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Working through the pain

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RomanticInnocenc posted 5/23/2014 01:00 AM

I'm lost in the pain. I'm 4.5 months out, I know, not that long. We have shared some really good times, he is following the remorseful wayward spouse handbook to a t, and when he makes mistakes he comes here or talks to his IC. We are becoming more and more in sync with each other, he is noticing me in new ways, taking what I am saying to him and actually internalising it. If only our entire relationship could have been like this. The trouble is, I can't enjoy it and its killing me. I feel like I deserve this type of relationship, I've worked hard for it even before the affair and yet I can't appreciate it or participate/reciprocate it. The pain of his actions overwhelms all of it. And I know I have to feel the pain, I have to work through it, face it. I'm just not sure how at the moment. I wake every morning, some after nightmares all night, with the flood of the affair pervading my thoughts. I freak out at every move WH makes, is he lingering in the bedroom to long with his phone, is he leaving too early for work etc. I then sit at home and most of the time am zombied out on this website, searching for... I'm not even sure. Giving my 4 month old son as much as I can, and I have to say, ashamedly, some days that consists of his basic needs a cuddle, a quick song and back on his play mat to play. Then I try to distract myself, I read books about affairs or about other topics, drown myself in TV, stare at the roof as I lie in bed. It all swirls around in my head no matter if I'm having coffee with friends or in the shower. The pain isn't going anywhere. I'm in IC and after I see her I feel more calm, centred etc, yet not long after I'm spiralling down again. Do I need to look at AD's, am I just being weak? I'm lost.

PollyA posted 5/23/2014 01:35 AM

ADs are a tool to help you get through.

When you have knee surgery, they give you pain meds so that you can work through the pain to get through.

Ads are the exact same tool.

Would you take an aspirin if you had a headache?

Be good to yourself. If you can feel better without some crazy negative consequences, please, take the road that is going to help.

That said, only your doctor and you can decide. Mine suggested I not get ADs. I regret that choice!

LosferWords posted 5/23/2014 17:04 PM

You aren't being weak at all.

Have you brought up the topic of AD's with your IC? At the same time, an IC isn't always the right person to make that call whether or not you actually need AD's. I ended up having to see a psychiatrist that my IC referred me to, in order to help diagnose my depression and get me on the correct regimen of meds. Your doctor might be a good resource, too.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are hurting so much. Hang in there, and know that we're here for you.

Crushed15Feb13 posted 5/23/2014 17:20 PM


I know I had bouts of sort of paranoid thoughts - more like panic attacks with rapid breathing and racing thoughts. So sorry for your pain.

I am leary of ADs - I refused them myself. I'd be concerned about ADs especially if you are nursing?

Peace and Strength to you.

sisoon posted 5/23/2014 17:51 PM

Gently, you sound pretty normal for 4.5 months out, especially with an infant.

Your IC may have some techniques available to help you process your feelings, so ask - but you may already be processing them just fine. If so, hang in - you'll probably feel better soon (again, within the context of caring for an infant).

RomanticInnocenc posted 5/23/2014 19:29 PM

Thanks everyone for your words and perspectives. I'm not a person who likes to take drugs of any sort, even panadol. After my c-section, just 5 months ago, I was off the heavy drugs after 2 days because I hated how they made me feel. I generally prefer to feel the pain so I know if I'm over doing it or not. I'm not a martyr though, if I need to take them I will. I've never taken ADs and I don't really want to start. I just want to be the mother my son deserves and fulfil my part in trying to R our marriage and live in a relationship I've always wanted. It's so unfair to have to go through all this pain and for someone to show they can change and give you the relationship that you've always wanted, and you can neither believe they are honest or that they won't just wait until your back is turned to begin their deceitful behaviour again.

Sisoon I value you telling me you think it's quite a normal place to be at 4.5 months in and that does provide me with some comfort.

jjsr posted 5/23/2014 22:56 PM

You are so normal for being only a short time out from dday. I would like to suggest to try and do some things for yourself. Get out. Take the baby for a walk. Join the Y. They have daycare for the baby and you could swim or exercise etc. Go to the library and read something other then books on infidelity. Its hard but one of the things that helps is to put your mind on other things. Put yourself first

RomanticInnocenc posted 5/23/2014 23:10 PM

Thanks jjsr, all great ideas for getting out. I think I needed the reminder of not obsessing so much about the affair. I'm so afraid to let it go at the same time. As soon as things start to feel normal I kind of panic. I feel jealous of those that can say I know he loves me and is sorry. How do they know that? If I could believe that then maybe I could let go a little. But the magic four letter word gets in the way... Time... *sigh* just gotta keep on keeping on I guess! Thanks again.

BreatheAgain10 posted 5/24/2014 00:22 AM

I'm so afraid to let it go at the same time. As soon as things start to feel normal I kind of panic.

RI, I can relate to this feeling... Early on after DDay, I would go thru these phases of mistrust whenever things started to feel normal or even good in my M. Almost as if I were so afraid of being so vulnerable and happy because I was scared to have it ripped from me again.
With true remorse and hard work from your fWH helping you heal, this feeling can and will subside. But like you acknowledged, it takes time.

[This message edited by BreatheAgain10 at 12:24 AM, May 24th (Saturday)]

918Mama posted 5/24/2014 00:27 AM

I think at the point you are now, I still was barely sleeping. I had kicked my husband out and stayed up every night until I saw the sun come up. Only then would I be able to sleep. My world was so upside down, the only truth I knew was that the sun would come up the next day. I needed to see that sunrise to believe it. That's how much I could t trust anything I once knew.

Now, two years later, the pain has subsided considerably. I never thought I'd survive. Now, I have moments of completely unexpected peace, happiness and joy. More than ever before d day.

Just keep taking one day at a time and love that baby. Hugs friend!

RomanticInnocenc posted 5/24/2014 00:37 AM

Thanks breatheagain10 and 918mama. It's nice to know I fall in the range of 'normal'. I was just brushing my hair in the mirror a second ago and looked at myself and thought... You are not living, you are surviving. We tell the waywards all the time to let go of the outcome and sometimes I think we forget that we too need to, to a degree anyway. I can't control him and I've just learnt that I really have little control over my own life, because it is influenced by others and their actions. I'm not saying I'm now cured, but I think I just need to take steps toward living, rather then surviving. I'm not sure how to do that yet, but it's food for thought.

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