The saddest thing is that I think she's right.
I've wanted it to be not true, so I've been hanging on. When asked, "what can he do to trust him again"?, I honestly had no answer. After 8 of our ten years marriage him having sex with over 100 strange men on craigslist, I guess I don't have to "prove" my steadfastness.
I asked him to leave tonight and for the first time, he kept that promise. Of course, it's only for two days! I'll be out of town after that.
At least we'll save the money we've wasted on MC.
You are better off with him gone. This goes beyond not being able to trust him. He's just not good enough for you.
When asked, "what can he do to trust him again"?
After my second d-day, I answered, "Nothing. There is nothing he can do." In my mind, if he didn't understand and have compassion for the pain I went through the first time, then he obviously didn't love or respect me. He was simply a weak, selfish cheater and would remain so.
It's hard to see the road ahead if you're always looking in the rear view mirror.
Two children, innocent victims (15 & 17)
Married March 1996
Divorced January 2016
This is a good place, with good folks in all stages of the journey you're undertaking now.
Good luck; stick around!
married 19 years
separated since 3/2013 (in house until 8/2013)
D FINAL! Sept 10 2014
D-day Dec 21 2013 (after separation)
2 sons 17 and 13
OW = family friend and WH work colleague, going on many years (I was clueless)
There is a support group for stright spouses that is really helpful too.
If my H were gay, it would be easier for me than this. Every counselor we've had (3 now) has discussed his sexuality at length and my H is definitely bisexual with romantic interest only in women. He still loves all the girl parts. He also has no romantic interest in men. His encounters were often ten minutes! I ended up with his "gay hook up site" email and conversed with several of his hook ups, pretended I was H, so got what seems to be the truth.
I believe he's at least a BIT of a sociopath. He doesn't consider other people's feelings and boundaries. He used the men he had sex with to feel popular and hot. He's over 50 now and if a gay man was willing to "do" him, his ego was inflated and he felt powerful. Several of the emails from his hook ups actually kinda called him a jerk for never staying around to say "hi". He never knew most of the guy's names, and they knew him as "Bob Smith" (a puuedonym), so those that he did know their names, he probably didn't know their real names.
This is no way excuses him. It just makes it more cringe-worthy.
Were all his affairs with men? If they were, I would be concerned that he is in denial. Either way, the straight spouse group would still help you.
Sorry you have found yourself here. :(
He says his porn usage led him to up the titillation factor. He says he contacted women a few women on craigslist, and that they needed to be "wooed". (all this is what he says, not what I know, so I take it with a grain of salt). He claims he wanted NOTHING to do with wining and dining, just hook ups, and the women wanted relationships. Gay men just wanted to orally please my H, since he's physically lucky.
It's so funny how I have a lot of questions about his behavior, but don't really think he's gay. He definitely enjoyed the sex with men. They kowtowed to him. The thing that pisses me off the most is that I knew about this interest and was OK with us maybe doing something wild together. He claimed he'd lost interest!!
HOW can people be so bad? Yes, I'm being judgmental. WHY do people have no morals? Why do people put other people's lives in danger. All the while having a fake "nice" face.
I'd rather deal straight on with evil.
Well, I'm off to watch cute animal videos! I love having the apartment to myself...
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
And, yes, I fear recidivism. I'm so conflicted, it's ridiculous. Although you all get to see me as waffling...he knows there is NO WAY I'm going to have sex with him unless I feel safe.
Until he knows what is the flaw in him that allowed him to say "yes" to cheating and endangering my life, and can convince me that he's "fixed" that flaw, I will NEVER be able to have a wifely experience with him.
Oh, wait. I'll also never allow him to live with me again. I'm going out of town for two months. I want NC. This is likely the end.