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WS friend vs Friend of the Marriage

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familyfirst posted 5/23/2014 10:26 AM

I have a friend who has been there for me for many many years. She watched my EA grow and turn into a PA. She didn't try to stop it, she even covered for me at times. She also encouraged me when I decided to break things off with AP and now encourages my efforts to improve my M. She is truly a friend to me, but I wonder if this is the same as being a friend of the marriage?

What did you do with your friends who knew about your A?

[This message edited by familyfirst at 2:14 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]

floridaredman posted 5/23/2014 10:39 AM

What did you do with your friends who knew about your A?

I cut them out. It was my decision to hurt my family and those that encouraged me to do so were also helping me hurt them. Your user name is family first, if your friend was not a friend to your family during the affair, she's really not their friend now. She is only going along with what you want. She's YOUR friend, not your family's.

Prayingforhope posted 5/23/2014 11:29 AM

Those friends need to go. I lost two of my oldest friends as a result of my A and two others who were dear to me. They all knew, they all covered for me, supported me, cheered me on at times, everything.

Yes, my closest one in passing mentioned once about the risk I was taking to ruin my marriage. That was a well placed thought (sounds like your friends have some of those as well) but in the end, he was silent partner to the A which means he was not a friend to the marriage. They can't gain that status back so out they go as part of the healing process.

Good luck! Losing friends is one of the hardest things I have had to do after losing my wife.

Badhurt posted 5/23/2014 13:29 PM


[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:46 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]

Wayflost posted 5/23/2014 13:35 PM

she even covered for me at times.

Think about this statement. She covered for you, and you don't know the answer of whether she is a friend of your marriage?

I cut those people from my life as well. I believe that there were good intentions, but the encouragement to do what it takes to make me happy was misguided. I'm not safe, so they aren't safe. I want friends who encourage me to talk to my BH. Not friends who "cover" for me. Real friends call you out when you are doing something wrong.

Is she a real friend to you? Maybe. Is she a friend of your marriage? No way.

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