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another relationship whilst separated

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softcell posted 5/23/2014 11:06 AM

I don't know where the best place is to post this thread but here goes. Last year my H and I separated, we'd been married for 23 years and struggled for the past several to sort out our issues, his depression, my lack of support etc., culminated in us growing far apart and we no longer knew which way to turn so I told him I wanted out and we parted.
We were apart for 5 months and during that time I met somebody else and got into a brief rebound relationship. My H and I at the time weren't talking and at that stage there was absolutely no chance of us ever getting back together, we were planning our divorce and he was in the process of buying out my share of the house. He found out I was seeing somebody else and that caused untold bitterness and anger and made me so depressed I was on the verge of suicide.
Forward two months and I had split from the OM and had the time to get my head back together only to realise that I still loved my H, despite everything that had happened between us so took the plunge and asked him if he would be willing to talk to me again and discuss the future. We emailed each other initially, then talked face to face and realised we wanted to be together and try to make a success of things so we reunited.

We've been back together for 3 and a half months now and have been taking things slowly but getting on very well, the old hurts and resentments have been eradicated and we have begun with a clean slate, so to speak. My problem is feeling that my H is keeping his distance and not letting himself get emotionally attached to me, when I have discussed this with him he says he was ripped to shreds and no longer trusts me not to hurt him and he can't bear the thought that I was with somebody else during our time apart. I completely understand how and why he feels this way and am doing my best to put my own needs on hold but I can't deny that it hurts me to feel this way.
I have told him I love him several times and am loving and affectionate, and trying to be as caring a person as I can but it's tearing me apart that he won't let me in or reciprocate these feelings.

How do I proceed, how am I meant to respond, is it fair to tell him I need something back from him to help to rebuild the bond. He has said he wants us to be together and wants to be with me but doesn't know how to let his barriers down.

Has anybody else been in a similar situation?

Darkness Falls posted 5/23/2014 14:49 PM

I've been in that situation from the other side. I cheated and my XH said he needed a divorce in order to reconcile ( don't laugh too hard) so I moved out and we were heading to D. Not sure if we'd filed yet before he f'd my former best friend, but she moved in with him about a month after I moved out.

Although I'm still bitter about WHO his rebound *was*, the fact that he had the relationship I don't hold against him. I think the timing was suspect and it showed a lack of good judgment on his part considering she ended up stealing from him within 6 months and tthen left him for a coworker, not to mention the fact that he was just putting a Band-Aid on his feelings over my betrayal...but he didn't owe me fidelity. We were getting divorced.

I feel the same way about your situation. Your husband probably wonders about your ability to move on so quickly (assuming your impending divorce wasn't due to infidelity) and is hurt over the relationship you had...but again, as you said, you had the expectation that there was no hope of reconciliation. Some people are against dating during separation; others are OK with it. Sounds like your husband is the former; you, the latter. That is the real issue, IMO; the fact that you have conflicting values on the matter---not that you did it in the first place.

omoiyari1985 posted 5/23/2014 17:29 PM


[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:51 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]

softcell posted 5/24/2014 03:17 AM

I have given my H no reason to be suspicious about anything and have had no contact with the man I was seeing since the beginning of this year and my H does not regard what happened as infidelity, he apreciates that we were separated at the time and were planning to divorce. It was a mutual decision to reunite and although he found it initially strange that I had turned round and said I still loved him he had also hinted that he wanted us to get back together too, having been together 25 years it's understandable that we both still had strong feelings for each other.

I appreciate it is going to take time for him to trust me not to leave again but what I need to know is this, we split because things had reached a point where we could no longer see a way forward because we both were full of anger and resentments towards each other and as a result grew apart.
We had not had sex for a year and he hadn't told me he loved me for a similar period of time, we had become strangers living in the same house. I ended up in a rebound relationship because I felt so deprived of those things and took them from the first person who offered them.

We are trying to build on the positives and ignore the past issues that no longer seem relevant, but my issue is that he is holding back from me. His lack of attention, the lack of sex and the way I felt unloved was key to my decision to leave him intitially. He is affectionate towards me now with hugs and kisses but there is a distance there, he rarely initiates sex and when it happens there is no deep feeling, he won't hold my hand in public or put his arm around me and he won't say he loves me or compliment me in any way. This is again contributing to me feeling hurt and unloved and although I understand the difficulties he is facing in learning to trust me again, I need those things from him to feel closer and rebuild our bond. Surely to make our marriage work we should be meeting each others needs and working on becoming closer or am I being selfish here? Am I expecting too much?
I have talked to him about this but he tells me not to worry, that it will all work out in time, but I don't know how to deal with a situation that makes me again feel how I did in the past. I need to know if it is fair of me to say I need that from him and how I ask for this without seeming to be inconsiderate.

BrokenButTrying posted 5/24/2014 03:50 AM

Hey Softcell,

Welcome to SI, this is a great place. You'll get lots of help and support here.

Are you in any sort of counselling? If not I think it would be wise to get yourselves in marriage counselling. You cannot rug sweep those past issues, rug sweeping breeds resentment and creates further issues. Deal with them in counselling, it will hurt and it will be hard but you must do it.
Counselling will give you the room to express your feelings in a safe place and will give you the tools to communicate effectively at home too.

You both need reassurance from each other that history isn't going to repeat itself but both of you seem afraid to be vulnerable with each other in case you get hurt again.

It's a tough situation to be in, I feel for you. Keep posting on SI, it will help.

Sending strength.

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