Ama, that is exactly how I'm looking at this. To him, he didn't even notice the change. And, admittedly we jumped in quickly, and couldn't sustain that level with "normal" life happening around us.
He is almost the perfect guy for me. Absolutely everything I've ever looked for. Former pro athlete in the sport I played in college, just finished his PhD in a field similar to my father's field. Very cute. Devoted Dad. Divorced almost 3 years and hasn't dated at all in 3 years to focus on his PhD. Amicable divorce. He is 4 years younger than me, which is my typical date/relationship age and he typically dates older. We have a ton in common. We chat like magpies. Everything was just easy. We were very happy to have met each other, and he told me that.
And, the communication was excellent.
As his stress levels have increased over the job hunt, and the reality that he is not going to be close to his dd, he has "pulled in". I let it slide for a little while, then the beginning of this week I tried to point it out and it really didn't go anywhere. Thursday I didn't hear from him at all, then Friday woke up to sweet texts like nothing happened, which, admittedly, ticked me off.
Yesterday we had a more serious email discussion.
He basically said, "You are ending this because I"m not consistent enough for you?"
I replied that consistency/security is very important to me. More than I realized. I understood his stress levels, and the loss of moving away from his child and how much he is hurting. BUT, I also need consistency. It is a huge juggling act, I get that, but that doesn't negate my needs too.
Part of me feels like a bitch. I know the guy is under tremendous pressure with the job hunt. I am supportive and sympathetic. That doesn't mean he gets a pass on how to treat me. We still have dates planned days in advance, I asked for that and he followed through.
So, I'm left with a great fit guy (except may be LDR shortly…), who is everything I've been looking for, that "click" just happened but I went in with eyes wide open, and now the communication doesn't make me feel secure probably due to his stress levels.
I know other people have had this issue too…when his dd is with him, he poofs. Almost 100%. He lives in a studio apartment, so there are no doors and no privacy. He can't talk on the phone. But, he doesn't even look at his phone. He will text/email until the moment he gets her, then I won't hear from him for days. He is 100% focused on the time he has with her. I told him all I require was a text after she went to bed…and he can't seem to do that either. Or, didn't do it last night.
The deal is, either I'm important enough to you to warrant a few texts or Im not. He doesn't see it that way, he sees it as over compartmentalization. Super focused on one thing at a time and that is all he can manage.
I"m basically asking him to change to keep the relationship going. He wants to text/call when it suits him and I need a consistent schedule so I feel secure.
It is going to suck if this breaks us up. I'm kinda just letting him think about it and working it out on SI/friends. But, yes, I will end this if he has no interest in meeting my needs. I'm not playing any games with him or wishing/hoping he adapts. Either he does or he doesn't.