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Back To The Future...

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4everfaithful83 posted 5/23/2014 18:46 PM

An update:

(WBF and I left for vacation 2 days before the start of affair season)

Just got back from Vacation with my WBF. We had an amazing time! Saw Orca's in the wild (which was on my bucket list!), traveled Seattle, went to California and saw the Redwoods, climbed in underground Lava tubes, Went to Mt. Saint Helen's, Crater Lake...just an amazing trip.

But now that I'm home it's like a panic has set in inside me. While on vacation I was able to (almost) forget the fact that one year ago, my WBF was in the mist of the affair that would rip my world apart.

But now that I'm home and back to reality, its hitting me like a ton of bricks. My mind wonders to what I was doing one year ago...when I was oblivious to what was happening. I can't help but think that while I was in "La La" land, believing everything was fine, he was off crushing my very soul.

Took my dog to the park today to jog, since the weather was so nice. Found myself crying and having to get off the trail for a bit. I started thinking about all the things he's stolen, robbed and demolished from my life.

Like how about that nagging feeling of never knowing if I'm making the right choice by staying? How will I know if I'll regret it?

I started thinking about how we planned to have kids one day...and the simple fact that his actions have changed the very course or my life forever. Kinda like that scene in Back To The Future, when Marty's image starts to disappear from the picture...like he never existed. Maybe it doesn't make sense to any of you, but I feel like the children I might have had with my WBF are fading away from my life picture, along with the future we could of had. Because what if this is a deal breaker and I leave him????

I know these thoughts are self destructive. I try to focus on the good now. With my first DDAY antiversary coming up, I don't want to dwell on these thoughts. We are moving forward, slowly on this bumpy road. It is so damn hard. Every day is a struggle. I'm just hanging on for dear life.

Just feeling a lot of anger right now. I'm not even looking for responses. Just needed to post my thoughts. Thanks for listening guys...

karmahappens posted 5/23/2014 18:52 PM

I used to feel the same way. Going on vacation or a weekend away was so needed. Time to put stuff on hold for a bit.

When I got home I always felt like every bad feeling was being stored for our return and the flood gates would open. ....

(((Hugs)))

Hold onto the good to get you through the ugly.

4everfaithful83 posted 5/23/2014 20:03 PM

Thanks karma - Yeah vacation was amazing, and I was really happy to NOT be thinking about anything A related. But now that I'm home and back to normal life, its a lot harder.

Not to mention my first DDAY is coming up and I'm in the middle of A season... *sigh* its just a rough time. I appreciate your kind words!

titanfour posted 5/23/2014 20:43 PM

I can relate, the first time my W cheated we were engaged (but only 19). I hung in there, without any real support, and today I have all these great kids. I think maybe I should have let go then, but for me its all looking back, and my kids are a treasure for both of us.

Sorry this is part of your life, and sometimes I still feel anger - we all do. Its not self-destructive if you are reflecting. Involve WBF in your plight!

You can still make your plans happen! Maybe you stick it out, maybe not (can't really help you on that part), but you will make it.

4everfaithful83 posted 5/23/2014 21:31 PM

Thank you Titanfour!

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