Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...
(WBF and I left for vacation 2 days before the start of affair season)
Just got back from Vacation with my WBF. We had an amazing time! Saw Orca's in the wild (which was on my bucket list!), traveled Seattle, went to California and saw the Redwoods, climbed in underground Lava tubes, Went to Mt. Saint Helen's, Crater Lake...just an amazing trip.
But now that I'm home it's like a panic has set in inside me. While on vacation I was able to (almost) forget the fact that one year ago, my WBF was in the mist of the affair that would rip my world apart.
But now that I'm home and back to reality, its hitting me like a ton of bricks. My mind wonders to what I was doing one year ago...when I was oblivious to what was happening. I can't help but think that while I was in "La La" land, believing everything was fine, he was off crushing my very soul.
Took my dog to the park today to jog, since the weather was so nice. Found myself crying and having to get off the trail for a bit. I started thinking about all the things he's stolen, robbed and demolished from my life.
Like how about that nagging feeling of never knowing if I'm making the right choice by staying? How will I know if I'll regret it?
I started thinking about how we planned to have kids one day...and the simple fact that his actions have changed the very course or my life forever. Kinda like that scene in Back To The Future, when Marty's image starts to disappear from the picture...like he never existed. Maybe it doesn't make sense to any of you, but I feel like the children I might have had with my WBF are fading away from my life picture, along with the future we could of had. Because what if this is a deal breaker and I leave him????
I know these thoughts are self destructive. I try to focus on the good now. With my first DDAY antiversary coming up, I don't want to dwell on these thoughts. We are moving forward, slowly on this bumpy road. It is so damn hard. Every day is a struggle. I'm just hanging on for dear life.
Just feeling a lot of anger right now. I'm not even looking for responses. Just needed to post my thoughts. Thanks for listening guys...
Together 8 years
DDay: June 24, 2013