SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Sadjacey posted 5/23/2014 21:28 PM

Eighteen months out and trust is so hard. I don't know whether I can ever trust him again.

StillStanding1 posted 5/23/2014 22:12 PM

Hi Sadjacey,

I'm 15 months out and I know exactly what you mean. I want to trust again... and somedays I feel like I do... and then the doubts creep in again. At some point, I just feel crazy.

I had lunch with my BFF yesterday and we talked about the trust issue. I couldn't answer my own question: "If I never regain the trust, can I stay in the M?" Time and positive actions will tell, I guess.

I just hate to waste any more time. Life is short. I'd like to glimpse into the future so I could make the best decision now. Sigh. Wishful thinking.....

jjsr posted 5/23/2014 22:58 PM

Something our MC taught me is that if he is doing the work, you have to trust his new behavior. Its not easy but it does get easier IF the WS is doing the work.

PollyA posted 5/23/2014 23:50 PM

How do you decide what "the work" is? H seems to want to do the fun stuff, but none of the difficult stuff...

sisoon posted 5/24/2014 10:42 AM

It took seeing 30 months of consistent R behavior from my W for me to trust her again. 18 months seems too soon.

T/J - But, but, but ... Sadjacey, In another thread I read you to say you have a hard time being honest with your H. I urge you to start being honest yourself. That gives your H opportunity to win or lose your trust, and you'll feel better and be a better partner, too.

Take the risk of being honest. In the end, you'll be glad you did.

If I misread the other thread, and if you are honest with your H, please ignore this T/J....

jjsr posted 5/24/2014 17:32 PM

If he doesn't want to do the hard stuff then I would say you are not in R. Its the hard stuff that HAS to be done in order to R.

MoreWould posted 5/24/2014 17:46 PM

SJ

First, Year Two is the hardest for many of us here. You want everything to be back to "normal", but it's not, and in some very important ways it never will be. One way or the other, stay or go, you have to find peace with that.

Second, I pray you find "enough" trust, but you will most likely never completely trust him again. That just might be a good thing, but it hurts to lose your illusions.

I'm over 30 years out, happliy M'd to the woman that was once my WW, and later my FWW, and now once again, my W. I'm really glad we survived this shitstorm. But I learned never to blindly trust her, or anybody ever again.

I'm a MH, I don't even trust myself anymore.

Cynical? No, just realistic. If the one who pledged, in front of God and family, to be trustworthy to me forever can breach it, what should I expect from everyone else who took no such vow?

Trust. But verify.

Sadjacey posted 5/24/2014 18:15 PM

Sissoon, you're not mistaken. I find it hard to be open about my feelings with him - painfully honest about other things. Neither of us are good at talking about hoe we feel - and when I'm hurting my reaction is to close off. I know thats not good, but the result of talking about it is often more hurt caused by the way he responds. He doesn't mean to hurt me more, he just doesn't know how to help.

sisoon posted 5/24/2014 18:59 PM

I understand - you've taken the risk, and it hasn't worked out when feelings are concerned. Thanks for the clarification. I hope you can work it out.

hopefull77 posted 5/24/2014 19:03 PM

SadJacey
I hear you loud and clear...our ages and dday are the same...for me I want to trust soo bad...he has worked really hard to be the person he knows he wants to be and the person he was ....therapy has made him take a long hard look at himself and he is figuring it out...slowly but surely...he can't believe what he has done....
One thing I ask him when he says he is sorry for hurting me is this....ARE YOU SORRY FOR HURTING YOURSELF?
I found the first year was all about survival AND reconnecting ...the 2nd year seems to be more about me facing and accepting my/our new reality....I will trust again ...I want too...but never blindly...ever again...
I/we are doing well because he is doing EVERYTHING right ...as he should....when he feels like shit...I let him...
He changed the course of our marriage...he owns that