I'm 15 months out and I know exactly what you mean. I want to trust again... and somedays I feel like I do... and then the doubts creep in again. At some point, I just feel crazy.
I had lunch with my BFF yesterday and we talked about the trust issue. I couldn't answer my own question: "If I never regain the trust, can I stay in the M?" Time and positive actions will tell, I guess.
I just hate to waste any more time. Life is short. I'd like to glimpse into the future so I could make the best decision now. Sigh. Wishful thinking.....
T/J - But, but, but ... Sadjacey, In another thread I read you to say you have a hard time being honest with your H. I urge you to start being honest yourself. That gives your H opportunity to win or lose your trust, and you'll feel better and be a better partner, too.
Take the risk of being honest. In the end, you'll be glad you did.
If I misread the other thread, and if you are honest with your H, please ignore this T/J....
First, Year Two is the hardest for many of us here. You want everything to be back to "normal", but it's not, and in some very important ways it never will be. One way or the other, stay or go, you have to find peace with that.
Second, I pray you find "enough" trust, but you will most likely never completely trust him again. That just might be a good thing, but it hurts to lose your illusions.
I'm over 30 years out, happliy M'd to the woman that was once my WW, and later my FWW, and now once again, my W. I'm really glad we survived this shitstorm. But I learned never to blindly trust her, or anybody ever again.
I'm a MH, I don't even trust myself anymore.
Cynical? No, just realistic. If the one who pledged, in front of God and family, to be trustworthy to me forever can breach it, what should I expect from everyone else who took no such vow?
Trust. But verify.
"Nothing can come between God and the soul." --Julian of Norwich