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Six months out and unable to cope...

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HurtinginSoCal posted 5/23/2014 22:22 PM

I thought we were doing so well but, found myself in a downward spiral again. I'm constantly on the verge of tears, especially when I look at him. I don't know if it was the wrong MC, but we stopped seeing her two months ago because we seemed to be getting more out of books we were reading. And here we are six months and 10 days since D-Day, 3 weeks longer than what the physical part of the affair lasted even though the way was being paved a good year and a half prior to the first kiss. Now were really into all of the "one year ago moments".

A year ago last weekend we were celebrating friends getting married and I was next to my husband thinking all was well and remembering our wedding day, but he was probably thinking about her and wishing he never married me. A year ago I was working on my daughter's eighth grade class promotion luncheon at school and he was at work crossing boundaries, getting his ego stroked, and looking for that opportunity of a first kiss with her. Sitting next to him at the promotion ceremony and super excited our daughter was named student of the year, I had no clue things were so bad that that very week he already kissed her and would continue to have at least three kissing, holding hands, sharing deep secrets, best friends sessions and "I love yous" at least three times a week, not to mention all the thinking of you, missing you, I love you texts and emails for the next five and a half months. Some of these emails and texts as I lay next to him in our bed.

Here we are, six months out, and I pulled out of a weekend trip with friends. Arrangements were such that he still had to go. There are other reasons, too, why I didn't go, but I think I just wanted him away also. In this 24 hours of his absence I've decided if it weren't for the kids, I'd have left or told him to leave. I love him, but am not in love with him. I'm so hurt, so frustrated, so angry, and will never forget. I had decided to stop being the victim, but while I watch him with untrusting eyes and heart, to see how sincere or obligatory his words and actions are, I find myself wanting to believe my own words. I don't know if I do... You know, you tell a lie so many times you start believing it? I'm not lying, but don't feel it as much as I want to with what I say. My heart hurts so much!

I hate to admit it, but I've been thinking of leaving him. Problem is I can't...I wouldn't know where to start (I'm a SAHM), I won't uproot my kids unless it was a family decision, and there's no way I will leave my children. That leaves me stuck, and right now, miserable.

[This message edited by HurtinginSoCal at 11:46 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]

StillLivin posted 5/23/2014 22:38 PM

I hope he showing with actions his true remorse.
I'm sorry. I hope this wave of hurt passes soon.
Maybe this will comfort you, she is just a skank. Everything was a fantasy based on secrets and lies. He is still with you and she has to feel like the piece of shit that she is. Maybe she fantasized in taking your place and all she did was succeed in getting taken out with the trash.
Six months is so soon after DD. I'm a year from DD and 8 months since I found out we were in false R when he walked out. I still have some bad days, but the hurt does get exponentially better after a while.
If you truly aren't happy, there is always a way to leave. You can start your exit plan for the future.
However, if you still feel love, and he is truly remorseful, sometimes just waiting a little longer will give you more clarity on what is best for your situation.
Rest while he is gone and try to do something soothing and relaxing.

jjsr posted 5/23/2014 22:48 PM

I think at 6 months out you are feeling what most people are feeling. I would certainly find another MC. Interview several. Find one that will hold both of you accountable for your own stuff. I am almost 3 years out and its only been in the last 6 months or so that I have felt normal from all of this.

HurtinginSoCal posted 5/24/2014 09:53 AM

Thank you for your replies. He is definitely remorseful. He says every day he is working to be the best husband that he can be to me...the husband that I deserve. When I'm in a low he tells me how justified my feelings are and apologizes.

I know the WS is supposed to be there for the BS, but honestly I hate hearing "I'm sorry" any more. I believe he is but those words have been said by him so much they've lost meaning. Does that make sense? And Its just strange for him to be comforting me because of the pain he created. It just seems like an oxymoron that the pain causer wrong doer is the all good comforter. I (all of us BS) did not deserve this. He'll tell me he doesn't know what else to do or say, except show me every day, and then has asked what I want. But the reality is I can't have it.... I SO BADLY need it to not have happened and for him to have listened to me when I implored him to stay away from here a year or so before he started "paving the way."

But it can't be undone...

[This message edited by HurtinginSoCal at 9:55 AM, May 24th (Saturday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/24/2014 10:42 AM

Hurting, you're making decisions based on financial need and not emotional need or what you need in order to flourish. That's always so sad to see.

Since you're a SAHM, why don't you start working on getting a degree so you can eventually get a good job? If you don't want to do that, why don't you sign up with a temp agency and start going out to temporary assignments, getting workforce experience?

Wouldn't it be much better to be able to make choices based on what's good for you and what will help YOU grow and prosper rather than choices based on financial dependency to your husband?

Take advantage of being home every day and use it to your advantage.

Good luck to you.

4everfaithful83 posted 5/24/2014 20:15 PM

HurtinginSoCal - Don't be so hard on yourself. 6 months is still pretty early in the healing process.

I hear you on the "One year ago moments" I'm currently right in the middle of A season, with my first DDAY antiversary coming up in June.

Those thoughts of "One year ago..." are terrible. Truly they are. One year ago today my WBF was in the middle of his A. Just writing that hurts like hell.

We have actually been doing really well in R, until we reached A season and now I feel as if I've taken a couple steps backwards. I've had a couple of crying meltdowns (which I haven't had in quite some time) But you know what? I'm proud of all I (and we as a couple) have accomplished. And you should be too.

Just take it one day at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow, next week or next month. Just worry about today, and what you can do today to move forward. Tomorrow is a new day.

When they say its a roller-coaster, they aren't kidding! Try not to put any rules on how you should feel or be acting during this recovery time. Especially in the first year. Everything is so fresh and it's a really difficult thing to overcome and get through. You've made it this far though!

I would definitely find a new MC, and keep communication with your WH going. Make sure he knows how you feel.

Just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone tonight!

Sending you strength!

Katz13 posted 5/25/2014 23:07 PM

I am also in the midst of the "one year ago moments". Please know there are others in the same crappy boat. My H is doing all he can and I too am sick of hearing him say, "I'm sorry!" I flat out told him that that is what you say when you accidentally step on someone's foot. Those words have no comfort.

upinflames8 posted 5/25/2014 23:27 PM

For me, three months felt worse than day one, six months felt worse than three months. Some time between 6-9 months was when I stopped having emotional shitstorms. We are a little more than 18 months out and I can go a week or so without thinking about it. At times I become upset, but not frequently and a lot less severe. I lost friends during the time I was trying to heal and then I get mad about that too. If you aren't in independent counseling, it might be a good thing for you to try, if you can.

HurtinginSoCal posted 5/26/2014 00:54 AM

Glad to know it's "normal"...and I would say glad to know I'm not alone, but this place sucks and I would never wish it on anyone (except OW, of course).

Funny you mention that, upinflames8, as I was thinking today IC might be a good idea. Between church, things I've read this weekend, and radio (3 songs from a short playlist I made after D-Day, came on the a row), I was getting the message I'm not going anywhere, but things going through my head...things I've known and things newly realized, can't be said to him. Yes, I'm holding back on feelings to him, but once they're said to him, I can't take them back. I guess right now some things on my part are just better left unsaid to him, but I probably need to actually say them and IC might be the best place for that.

Thanks all for the input. He'll be home tomorrow and I have a little more clarity now...

lbuzz posted 5/26/2014 06:58 AM

I am only six weeks from d-day, but I am also having some of the same feelings. I just had an emotional meltdown last night. I am also a SAHM and am feeling that I would leave him if it weren't for my son, although I don't really know if that is true. I also wish I had more financial options right now as I think the trapped feeling is not helping things. I do plan to try some temp jobs. I homeschool my son though, so everything feels challenging and like a huge shift.

In any case, I'm also in socal--Culver City--in case you ever want to talk to someone local in the same boat. I personally find my isolation in being unable to find someone going through the same things is adding to my difficulty. I've started attending some support groups, but the meetings are not directly related. They are supportive and in person, which I'm finding helpful. I think IC might help me too.

Hatemyhusband posted 5/26/2014 07:49 AM

Ok, I'm six months out. My H is remorseful too. I don't have to stay for financial reasons. (Well, my kids would be impacted, but not majorly)
I, too, know he would have been gone if I didn't have kids. I would have never let him back in after D day. That thought screws w my head bc I keep saying "then am I just doing it for the kids"
I can see u are thinkin the same and also thinking "am I just doing it bc I have to financially". Those two things will always cast doubt in your R. I get it
Here is what I am doing (advice from MC). I'm looking at it as I am dating my H. I'm trying to find out if this man is the one I want to marry. I'm not looking at the relationship in eyes of the past. I'm looking for whether or not I still want to date this man. This helps me feel less trapped and less miserable

Now, I do still think about, cry over and trigger from affair. But I don't let the two mix in my head. When I need to talk about the A, I don't analyze if I want to remain married. I am dealing w my cheating husband during those times. After, I move away from my cheating spouse and go back to the man I am dating
I guess I'm compartmentalizing. In a whole different way than he did

May not be the best way, but it works for me.

And... I'm really verbaliZing my happiness when I feel it. Today he started unloading dw before I got up. I kissed and thanked him. He also ran out for coffee for us, but picked the kids up a donut. I acknowledge the sweet gesture and joe the kids will love it.

This is the toughest journey I have been on. Please know u are not alone. The fact I made it six months tells me I am one freaking strong woman who. CAn do anything!

MJane posted 5/26/2014 09:51 AM

I'm where you are Hurting - I don't need to stay for financial reasons but have the kids reason. I do and did love him but am finding it impossible to move on - particularly as am not convinced he understands the enormity of what he has done to me and to us. I am not an overly sentimental person but I do think a life partner is someone you can trust to be there in the bad times and I wonder if a man as weak as my H has shown himself to be can cope with what life can still throw at us - illness, the first sign of trouble (we had issues having kids - miscarriages) he took the easy way out and created a fantasy. I am wondering it is time I walked away - I don't want to regret anything but this being together is killing me and I feel so down some days - I don't recognize myself and I don't want this to define who I am or will become. I keep thinking I might be better off eventually alone but co-parenting...

ItsaClimb posted 5/27/2014 02:22 AM


I believe what you are feeling is normal. Just to give you an idea - I pretty much hit rock bottom at about 9 months out. Had a bit of an emotional breakdown and raked my face, leaving big bloody scratches.. it was an awful, awful day! Since then I have had 2 low, lows... but other than that, I have seen pretty steady improvement.

The confusion you are feeling is also normal. My personal belief is that while we are still processing the trauma, most of us are unable to figure out exactly what our genuine feelings are. We are in an emotionally unstable state, so making proper decisions is not really possible. JMHO. I told my husband quite some time ago, that while I am committing to R, that decision could change when things settle down in my head. So far it seems that I am happy with my decision to R and I feel more convinced of that as time goes by.

Give yourself time. Watch his actions. Let your emotions settle.

I hate hearing "I'm sorry" any more. I believe he is but those words have been said by him so much they've lost meaning. Does that make sense?

^^ oh yes, I know what you mean! I eventually told my husband to stop apologising. I couldn't bear to hear it one more time. His actions are what shows me his remorse.

foggydays posted 5/27/2014 03:01 AM

HurtinginSoCal- I am so sorry to hear of your recent downward turn. I completely understand. My WH's affair lasted six weeks, which I discovered early December of this past year, and we have had more ups and downs that I can imagine one couple having in that five months. I am also a SAHM Mom living in a military town with NO family to speak of within 1,000 miles either way, and my last job history and unfinished schooling as long ago as my oldest child (10).

I found out tonight that, on top of EVERYTHING else he shared with HER, that he danced with her. Silly, that's what I am angry at, but I gave up dancing when I met my husband because he said he didn't dance....he has maintained that attitude all these years. And to find out he danced with HER? I was furious.

I asked him if he would still be here trying to work this out with me if we didn't have kids. He says yes, but I don't believe him....because I know I wouldn't be.

I understand those one year ago moments....he was with her on my birthday during a deployment last year, FORGOT my birthday completely and never even emailed (was out of country to use phone), and here comes my birthday again this year, and he will be deployed then as well.

Our 13th anniversary is coming up, the first one since, and I just want to jump in a hole and hide.

I homeschool my children and here comes a new grade for them both....another first.

It is an absolutely awful place to be and I am so sorry we are there together. But, you have made it this far for a reason, and I truly don't believe it all was financial, was it?

Hang in there, friend, and don't make any decisions while you are still so hurt and angry. I speak to myself when I say this, but your kids deserve a shot at a whole family. I came from a broken marriage as a kid and it devastated my adult life. Even though THEY are the ones who broke this, it's up to us to fix it. Even if the fixing results in our leaving, it has to be on our terms as whole individuals. I believe in you.
HUGS to you during this difficult time.

BrokenheartedUK posted 5/27/2014 03:01 AM are still pretty early in this process. I've definitely found it harder now--much more painful then in the beginning--I think I was numb for months.

I think it's important to continually re-evaluate where you stand about your marriage and whether you want to continue. Someone posted somewhere on this website that it wasn't until she knew she could leave but chose to stay that she was on her way to reconciliation. For me, I need to see real improvements and changes in my marriage to feel like staying isn't a giant act of masochism. When we backslide into old patterns...those are the times when I don't feel like I can stay.

Early days...don't make any decisions yet. Be nice to yourself.

foggydays posted 5/27/2014 03:05 AM

HatemyHusband- I really like what you said about compartmentalizing with the dating your husband to see if he is the one, thing. I think I am going to have to try that....we have yet to seek an MC, but I KNOW I should be seeing one, at the very least. This whole thing has screwed with my normally very logical, practical head, and turned me into an upside down crazed sensationalist at times!!!

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