A year ago last weekend we were celebrating friends getting married and I was next to my husband thinking all was well and remembering our wedding day, but he was probably thinking about her and wishing he never married me. A year ago I was working on my daughter's eighth grade class promotion luncheon at school and he was at work crossing boundaries, getting his ego stroked, and looking for that opportunity of a first kiss with her. Sitting next to him at the promotion ceremony and super excited our daughter was named student of the year, I had no clue things were so bad that that very week he already kissed her and would continue to have at least three kissing, holding hands, sharing deep secrets, best friends sessions and "I love yous" at least three times a week, not to mention all the thinking of you, missing you, I love you texts and emails for the next five and a half months. Some of these emails and texts as I lay next to him in our bed.
Here we are, six months out, and I pulled out of a weekend trip with friends. Arrangements were such that he still had to go. There are other reasons, too, why I didn't go, but I think I just wanted him away also. In this 24 hours of his absence I've decided if it weren't for the kids, I'd have left or told him to leave. I love him, but am not in love with him. I'm so hurt, so frustrated, so angry, and will never forget. I had decided to stop being the victim, but while I watch him with untrusting eyes and heart, to see how sincere or obligatory his words and actions are, I find myself wanting to believe my own words. I don't know if I do... You know, you tell a lie so many times you start believing it? I'm not lying, but don't feel it as much as I want to with what I say. My heart hurts so much!
I hate to admit it, but I've been thinking of leaving him. Problem is I can't...I wouldn't know where to start (I'm a SAHM), I won't uproot my kids unless it was a family decision, and there's no way I will leave my children. That leaves me stuck, and right now, miserable.
[This message edited by HurtinginSoCal at 11:46 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]
I know the WS is supposed to be there for the BS, but honestly I hate hearing "I'm sorry" any more. I believe he is but those words have been said by him so much they've lost meaning. Does that make sense? And Its just strange for him to be comforting me because of the pain he created. It just seems like an oxymoron that the pain causer wrong doer is the all good comforter. I (all of us BS) did not deserve this. He'll tell me he doesn't know what else to do or say, except show me every day, and then has asked what I want. But the reality is I can't have it.... I SO BADLY need it to not have happened and for him to have listened to me when I implored him to stay away from here a year or so before he started "paving the way."
But it can't be undone...
[This message edited by HurtinginSoCal at 9:55 AM, May 24th (Saturday)]
Since you're a SAHM, why don't you start working on getting a degree so you can eventually get a good job? If you don't want to do that, why don't you sign up with a temp agency and start going out to temporary assignments, getting workforce experience?
Wouldn't it be much better to be able to make choices based on what's good for you and what will help YOU grow and prosper rather than choices based on financial dependency to your husband?
Take advantage of being home every day and use it to your advantage.
Good luck to you.
I hear you on the "One year ago moments" I'm currently right in the middle of A season, with my first DDAY antiversary coming up in June.
Those thoughts of "One year ago..." are terrible. Truly they are. One year ago today my WBF was in the middle of his A. Just writing that hurts like hell.
We have actually been doing really well in R, until we reached A season and now I feel as if I've taken a couple steps backwards. I've had a couple of crying meltdowns (which I haven't had in quite some time) But you know what? I'm proud of all I (and we as a couple) have accomplished. And you should be too.
Just take it one day at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow, next week or next month. Just worry about today, and what you can do today to move forward. Tomorrow is a new day.
When they say its a roller-coaster, they aren't kidding! Try not to put any rules on how you should feel or be acting during this recovery time. Especially in the first year. Everything is so fresh and it's a really difficult thing to overcome and get through. You've made it this far though!
I would definitely find a new MC, and keep communication with your WH going. Make sure he knows how you feel.
Just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone tonight!
Sending you strength!
Together 10 years
1 doggie, 1 Cat
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...Working at it every day.
2 month PA/2 week EA
Funny you mention that, upinflames8, as I was thinking today IC might be a good idea. Between church, things I've read this weekend, and radio (3 songs from a short playlist I made after D-Day, came on the radio...in a row), I was getting the message I'm not going anywhere, but things going through my head...things I've known and things newly realized, can't be said to him. Yes, I'm holding back on feelings to him, but once they're said to him, I can't take them back. I guess right now some things on my part are just better left unsaid to him, but I probably need to actually say them and IC might be the best place for that.
Thanks all for the input. He'll be home tomorrow and I have a little more clarity now...
In any case, I'm also in socal--Culver City--in case you ever want to talk to someone local in the same boat. I personally find my isolation in being unable to find someone going through the same things is adding to my difficulty. I've started attending some support groups, but the meetings are not directly related. They are supportive and in person, which I'm finding helpful. I think IC might help me too.
Now, I do still think about, cry over and trigger from affair. But I don't let the two mix in my head. When I need to talk about the A, I don't analyze if I want to remain married. I am dealing w my cheating husband during those times. After, I move away from my cheating spouse and go back to the man I am dating
I guess I'm compartmentalizing. In a whole different way than he did
May not be the best way, but it works for me.
And... I'm really verbaliZing my happiness when I feel it. Today he started unloading dw before I got up. I kissed and thanked him. He also ran out for coffee for us, but picked the kids up a donut. I acknowledge the sweet gesture and joe the kids will love it.
This is the toughest journey I have been on. Please know u are not alone. The fact I made it six months tells me I am one freaking strong woman who. CAn do anything!
I believe what you are feeling is normal. Just to give you an idea - I pretty much hit rock bottom at about 9 months out. Had a bit of an emotional breakdown and raked my face, leaving big bloody scratches.. it was an awful, awful day! Since then I have had 2 low, lows... but other than that, I have seen pretty steady improvement.
The confusion you are feeling is also normal. My personal belief is that while we are still processing the trauma, most of us are unable to figure out exactly what our genuine feelings are. We are in an emotionally unstable state, so making proper decisions is not really possible. JMHO. I told my husband quite some time ago, that while I am committing to R, that decision could change when things settle down in my head. So far it seems that I am happy with my decision to R and I feel more convinced of that as time goes by.
Give yourself time. Watch his actions. Let your emotions settle.
I hate hearing "I'm sorry" any more. I believe he is but those words have been said by him so much they've lost meaning. Does that make sense?
^^ oh yes, I know what you mean! I eventually told my husband to stop apologising. I couldn't bear to hear it one more time. His actions are what shows me his remorse.
I found out tonight that, on top of EVERYTHING else he shared with HER, that he danced with her. Silly, that's what I am angry at, but I gave up dancing when I met my husband because he said he didn't dance....he has maintained that attitude all these years. And to find out he danced with HER? I was furious.
I asked him if he would still be here trying to work this out with me if we didn't have kids. He says yes, but I don't believe him....because I know I wouldn't be.
I understand those one year ago moments....he was with her on my birthday during a deployment last year, FORGOT my birthday completely and never even emailed (was out of country to use phone), and here comes my birthday again this year, and he will be deployed then as well.
Our 13th anniversary is coming up, the first one since, and I just want to jump in a hole and hide.
I homeschool my children and here comes a new grade for them both....another first.
It is an absolutely awful place to be and I am so sorry we are there together. But, you have made it this far for a reason, and I truly don't believe it all was financial, was it?
Hang in there, friend, and don't make any decisions while you are still so hurt and angry. I speak to myself when I say this, but your kids deserve a shot at a whole family. I came from a broken marriage as a kid and it devastated my adult life. Even though THEY are the ones who broke this, it's up to us to fix it. Even if the fixing results in our leaving, it has to be on our terms as whole individuals. I believe in you.
HUGS to you during this difficult time.
I think it's important to continually re-evaluate where you stand about your marriage and whether you want to continue. Someone posted somewhere on this website that it wasn't until she knew she could leave but chose to stay that she was on her way to reconciliation. For me, I need to see real improvements and changes in my marriage to feel like staying isn't a giant act of masochism. When we backslide into old patterns...those are the times when I don't feel like I can stay.
Early days...don't make any decisions yet. Be nice to yourself.