SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

justafarmgal posted 5/23/2014 22:42 PM

My 14 year SO is a truck driver and he is gone Monday thru Friday and home on the weekends. I went on vacation to see my kids for three weeks and came home on Valentine's Day late at night. We spent several hours chatting before going to bed. He had to leave the next morning for Oregon, he asked me to ride with him but I said no because I was just recovering from the flu. He left; we talked on the phone as usual, several times a day. On his return trip his calls were lessening and when I would call him he would talk for a few minutes and say traffic was bad and had to let me go. His ETA home had been changed as he then had to go out east.

Once he finally returned two and a half weeks later he was distant and would leave for several hours. We would make a date night plan but as the time approached he didn’t come home or respond to my texts and would come home around 10:30 drunk and very defensive and said, ok, lets go out now...I refused saying it was too late and he was drunk.

A week later he tells me he is being sent to Texas for a month and of course I was bummed, but understood it was work. He left the 1st of April, and after three days his calls were now down to once or twice a day. When I called him he said he was working so hard at the time he didn’t have time to talk. When asking when he would be coming home he would tell me that he didn't know that his boss needed him down there. His family began asking me if I had heard from Tom and I said, no, it’s been 6 days. He wasn’t answering anyone’s calls or texts.

So, the phone bill came the 1st of May and usually I just toss it in the garbage because I pay the bill online. Well, the bill was unusually fat so I opened it and his call list was huge, like several hundred calls to one number from DeKalb, IL and was showing calls that lasted any where from 6 to 7 hours a day. My stomach wrenched and I began trembling. I went online and looked at the past bills and found the first calls began two days after he left for Oregon. The calls started about 15 minutes in length but continued getting longer and I learned he was calling the AP on the couple of weekends when he was home before going to Texas. The 30th of March he took me to the hospital where I was admitted for pneumonia for four days before he left for Texas. He called is AP and spoke for four hours while I was in the hospital.

Anyway, after learning about all of these calls, I finally called him asking who he was talking to on DeKalb. He said he didn't know anyone there, I said, you must because your calls are running 6 to 7 hours a day. He replied that it was just a friend. I said a OW isn't she, you’re having an EA? He paused and said, yes, but I never slept with her. I asked him to end the relationship and come home, he defiantly said, NO, I am not giving her up and never coming home and he hung up on me. I was so devastated! The next day I called again and asked him to please just drop the OW and come home, he repeated the same thing! I then took the evidence to his parents and showed it to them and told them he was having an EA, you don’t spend that many hours a day talking to just a friend!
The next thing I know, all activity on his phone had stopped, I knew he had got himself a new phone. His was in my name, I sent him a text saying I was disconnecting his phone and he never responded and when I called to cancel his phone there was a $280.00 cancellation fee.

The landlord stopped by that day and found me bawling my eyes out. He had been friends with my SO for over twenty years, he called my SO before I cancelled his phone and he told him he was putting the house up for sale and he had thirty days to move, he was so upset. SO called me and exploded, because I opened my big mouth and things were happening way too fast. No one has heard from him for three weeks!

Last Friday he finally called his parents and told them he would be home next week sometime and will move my stuff into storage unit and to tell me to start packing; he refused to give them his phone number. I have no idea when he will be home or when the move will happen, he has completely cut off all communication with me.

I don’t understand how a four month EA trumps a 14 year relationship. A year and a half ago we moved to WA, he went in to a deep depression and I contacted his family and they brought him home got him on antidepressants and after a year he wanted me to return to MN because he loved me so much and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, so I moved back here a year and a half ago. Now this happens. I am on SSD and have the phone and cable and other bills in my name, medical expenses and I can’t even afford an apt so I am moving in to my older motor home that can’t be driven because it needs so much work which he was supposed to do and never did, and I can’t live in it here during the winter months. I am so screwed and I feel so lost and confused, he is supposed to be returning next week and I don’t know how to handle the situation when he returns, I don’t know how to handle seeing him and having to work with him moving. He plans to live in his truck. I understand the relationship is over and I feel so used, hurt, confused and angry. Don’t know what happened!

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 5/24/2014 01:17 AM

Hi, justafarmgal, and HUGE (((HUGS))) for you! I'm so sorry for the way you got here, but you just found the best place you never wanted to be.

Right now, you just have to take care of yourself and remember to breathe, eat if you can (if you can't try Ensure or something similar), try to sleep when you can, and get to a Dr. as soon as you can. I know you said you can't afford it, but there are lots of organizations set up to help with that type of thing, so check with your local churches and care centers to see if you can get that appointment covered.

I'm going to post some links for you to read. Just copy and paste them into your the address bar of your browser or in a new tab, if you have that feature:

http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Keep posting here and we'll help you through this.

Nailinmyforehead posted 5/24/2014 03:41 AM

Hi there,
Just wanting you to know that you have been heard, and to tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers right now having to go through this. This is a horrible pain, but you can make it through it. Agreeing with the above poster, right now you need to take care of yourself! Read all you can here and post often. This is the best group of folks here that you reached out to.

justinpaintoday posted 5/24/2014 05:21 AM

Farm gal: Sister I am sorry for your pain. Please know you are not alone. Post here often and we will support you from here. I hope you have a friend of family to lean on in this time of need.

justafarmgal posted 5/24/2014 09:04 AM

Thank you all so very much for your support, I am so glad found this site.
I have been seeing a counselor for the past three weeks and she does help me a lot. My blood pressure is so high over this mess and normally its very stable at 100/60. When I was in the hospital my Ddimer test came back unusually high which can indicate a blood clot and the docs are worried that I may have a stroke over this, which scares the hell out of me!
I had tried to talk with My WSO before he went to Texas as I knew something was amiss, I thought it was his drinking or he had gone off his meds, telling him we should talk and try to work this out before it got any worse. He looked me on the eye and lied to me assuring me that he was taking his meds and he was just tired. How stupid could I be, I never thought or SOw!
I supported him for 10 years because he had gone thru a divorce, got a DUI and was making minimum wage and had huge child support payments. I was a widow for two years before I met WSO, I was a fool I was for all those years. WSO recently confided in a friend, now that he has a good job and making good money that he was tired of supporting me after a year and a half. What support? He paid the rent I paid the other bills and groceries. I told him before I moved back here that I couldn't work anymore, WSO said, don't worry honey, I will take good care of you! Boy, he did a good job at that, didn't he?! How in God's name can I stop the anger and anxiety? Docs gave me meds for nausea and anxiety but so far it's not working! I feel like a used piece of toilet paper. The anger part of me wants to castrate him and shove it down his throat! But, I know better, thats just dreaming. All these years he has used me, how could I be so stupid and love him so much to be so blind? There is no way in hell that I would ever consider taking him back. I would rather live in my car!

mchercheur posted 5/24/2014 10:25 AM

Welcome to SI (((justafarmgal))). I am so sorry you find yourself here with the rest of us BSs, but you will find a lot of help, comfort, support , & information here. We have all been thru what you are going thru & know exactly how you feel.

Sending you strength.

Skan posted 5/24/2014 10:31 AM

Hey there. I'm glad that you found us for support. I'm so sorry that you had the reason to come find us for support.

As to your motorhome. How about having it towed to an RV place and use your joint credit card to have it completely fixed up? That's your money too, and if he is the reason that you're losing your home, then he can just suck it up and pay for it. Frankly, I think that your landlord ought to be kicked in the ass for putting you in the situation of losing your home. That's not really a helpful way to show "support," and you might consider approaching him and asking him if he really wants to make you homeless. If it's a matter of getting the two of you officially out, so that he doesn't have your WH under his roof, then it seems that he could re-rent to you after that was done.

Can you perhaps call a domestic abuse hotline this weekend, tell them your situation, tell them that you need to see a lawyer for advice ASAP, and see if they can give you some low-cost referrals? I think that you're going to need to get some legal advice and hopefully, before your WH comes home.

Meanwhile, please look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Also, look on the first 3 pages of this forum and read the first page of any post that has a red "target" next to it. This is all good advice that you're going to need. Knowledge is power. Keep coming back for support and to vent. It's a holiday weekend, so it might be a bit slow, but we are all here for you!

4everfaithful83 posted 5/24/2014 14:34 PM

So sorry you are here justafarmgal - Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Just know that you didn't do anything wrong - Your WBF's actions are a reflection on himself, not you.

I know it's hard, but please take care of yourself! Make sure you eat and get plenty of sleep! Utilize the tools in the healing library, and post often! We are all here for you!

I don't think anyone mentioned it yet...but I would definitely go and get an STD test. Liars lie, that's what they do. You cannot just take his word that he was not physical with the OW (or anyone else for that matter) Especially because he was gone for so long and you have no clue what he was actually doing.

Do what you have to do to protect yourself. Do not feel ashamed, he is the one who has something to be ashamed of. And getting an STD test is something we have all had to do, unfortunately.

sending you hugs and strength today!

justafarmgal posted 5/24/2014 16:23 PM

Thank youall so very much for your support, I am so glad I have found you!

Unfortunately, we aren't married so there is nothing I can do legally. He has no credits cards, so that's no use. WSO has wiped me out of all savings so I can't even afford to have the motorhome fixed, damned part of it is, he knows how to fix it!

After paying my few bills, storage unit, car insurance and prescriptions I have a little over $600.00 a month for rent , groceries, gas and will need to get insurance on the motorhome while living in it.

My credit is ruined so if I do find a place to live, once they check that...forget it. Talk about stupidiy! Argh!

But, WSO now has a great paying job, plans to live in his brand new 2015 truck from his work, with all the emenities and his money is all his own. I can't believe I let this happen at my age. My family, his family are all shocked and devastated! Here I am packing like a fool for what I need in the motorhome, storage and for a garage sale to try to raise some money!

How can a man do something like this in a matter of four months? Obviously, when WSO didn't have a pot to piss in for 10 years, then I was great. Now that WSO has been doing it for 18 months, he's tired of it and found an EA with OW. I hope OW just relishes the prize she think she just won. I would love to wrap him in a big bow and hand deliver him to her. The OW is his next victim and I hope they both rot in hell.

He is alienating his family and friends and it makes me wonder if he even cares about the pain he has inflicted on so many people? I sincerely doubt it!

I will get checked for STD's even though it has been quite a while since any activity as we haven't seen each other much since January 17th, but who knows how long this kind of behavior has been going on!

Thanks for the input and suggestions, I sincerely appreciate your support!

justafarmgal posted 5/25/2014 15:02 PM

WSO is due to return tomorrow and I am a nervous wreck. Can't seem to focus on anything, total lack of motivation, my stomach is in knots, I try to eat but it comes right back up. I am shaking and keep having panic attacks.
Will never be able to understand how a 65 day EA can destroy so much! My heart just hurts so hard, it almost takes my breath away. God, please give me inner peace, strength and courage to deal with tomorrow. Still NC by WSO, so don't know what to expect!

k94ever posted 5/25/2014 15:38 PM

Have you checked to see if MN recognizes common-law marriages?

After so long together you might have some monetary avenues to follow.

k9

justafarmgal posted 5/25/2014 15:52 PM

Thanks, K94ever!
I will do some checking into that...never thought about it. Although he doesn't own or have anything, don't know what good it would do, but will check.
Thanks!

justafarmgal posted 7/1/2014 01:53 AM

Well, I have moved into the Motorhome, have been here since since the 1st of June. WSO promised he would dewinterize the motorhome so I could live in it, which he did. He said he would return the next weekend to get it leveled as it had been sinking in the mud from not being used for 18 months and would replace the ballasts in the ceiling light fixtures because they did not work, and that he promised to make the repairs to make it road worthy. He came the second weekend to level the unit, I offered to help, he said, no. Ok, I will be inside and if you need help or anything just let me know. I wasn't going to follow him around like a dog at his heals. Well, he was having major problems getting it leveled and he came to the door and began screaming that he had had enough, he hated this fucking motorhome and doing all the work by himself and he is out of here and that I can put away all the things he taken out and used. I asked about fixing the lights? He replied, "You have a fucking flashlight...use it!!!" and he stormed off and left. As he stomped off to his truck, I lost my grasp of being calm, collected and kind and then proceeded to break my own vow of never calling anyone names...I blurted out, "Well, you chicken-shit mother fucker!" I have not seen or heard from him since. I refuse to contact him. He knows he dumped me into a shit hole with most things not working and he knows living like this is extremely difficult. How does someone, who borrows $3000.00 from his parents to move me back here, telling them how much he loved me, I am the only one that understood him and he didn't want to spend the rest of his life without me. Then in less than 16 months he begins a 3 month EA and refuses to give her up and dumps me like a sack of garbage to be thrown out? What kind of person does something like that? He refused to discuss anything regarding his EA or the oOW, he never apologized for the hurt he inflicted and showed no sign of remorse. He is in financial trouble from not paying 5 year old bills, he sleeps in his truck during the week and spends his weekends on the couch at his parents home. I have learned that he is not a man, but in fact a self serving coward, caring only of his own needs and desires. Friends and my counselor all say he will be back, it may take while, but he'll be back because I took good care of him for so long. If he came crawling back, doing pushups with his tongue, I will just close the door. The pain he has put me through, the shattering of my self esteem and plans for our future that he blew apart? There is no way, I deserve better than that! Plus, I really don't think he has the balls to come back!

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/1/2014 08:52 AM

Honestly, your best bet is to get your ducks in a row and disassociate yourself from him financially - in every possible way - NOW, before he does yet another stupid thing to sink you even further into debt. He sounds like a 20 year old kid who doesn't have his shit together and has to sleep on people's couches.

There's a much better life out there for you.