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LostandConfused3 posted 5/24/2014 12:04 PM

I don't even know where to begin. We are in our 30s, I've never been married and have no children. When we met, he told me he'd been divorced and had 3 children, all from that relationship. We met about 3 years ago and hit it off instantly. He moved in with me by bringing me home one night and never left. This was about 1.5 weeks into our relationship and we have both said we moved way too quickly way too soon. About 3 weeks after we met, he decided he wanted a facebook but said he didn't know much about computers. I created an email address for him and a facebook acct. A week or so later, I was checking it and found some emails where he'd set up accts at sites similar to I was floored. We'd been together less than a month! He was telling me how much he loved me and we were in the honeymoon stage. WTF?!? I confronted him and he denied it. His ex or his sister must have done it to mess with him. Really, that's your excuse? I should have left then and regret that I didn't. One day he's in the shower and I decide to snoop in his phone. Hindsight says if you have to snoop in his phone after that short amount of time, there's a problem. I found a text from his sister saying, "Its not fair to XXX and the kids. You need to figure out if you're going to be with her or get a divorce. XXX needs to be able to move on with her life." His response was, "I know". Again, floored. I immediately confront him and he was all "my sister doesn't know what she's talking about. Now it's possible the text from his sister came first and then I found out about the emails because I initially believed him about his sister not knowing what she was talking about and I would have blown it off, had it not been for his response. He acknowledged it! And every time we talked about it after that, he said he didn't remember what his response was and of course the conversation was conveniently deleted. The next month, the kids are talking about another kid all of the sudden. I ask them who they were talking about and they said "our brother". I about passed out. I asked him about it and he said the boy was a foster kid. Ok. Few weeks later, someone I know through work saw a pic of my BF sitting on my desk. She says "OMG, are you dating him? He's my nephew's dad." Again, about pass out. Confront him and there's a weird history with the mom (the aunt confirmed this before I confronted him) and he never thought he'd see his son again. But you don't lie about your child!!! He regrets everything about it and I push him to have a better relationship with him. He's done a lot better about it over the last year than he did at first.

A few months go by and we are having the normal new relationships issues, trying to find our footing. Only issue I'm aware of is him not having a job. We sat down and I explained that I couldn't and wouldn't pay for everything myself and I needed help. He did get a job but his work history has been very spotty for the entire time we've been together. His job is about 20 minutes away and ends up meeting someone and one day she texted while he was in the shower. "Oh it's a work friend". I find out of course it's not. I have no idea how long it went on and he of course denies any physical contact. I threw him out and he begs me back. I stupidly let him. A month or so goes by and I find a text to his subordinate reminding him to clock him in early the next morning and that he would be there about 9 or 10. He left our house at 6. Of course, denies anything happened. "I wanted to sleep in with you [it was a Saturday] but forgot about a deadline so I just went ahead and went in at normal time". I ended up calling her, looking for him and she denied knowing him.

Before this happened, we had been talking about marriage. Evidently because I'm an idiot. The text from his sister kept popping in my head so I asked to see his divorce papers. Oddly enough, he just couldn't find them. So I told him to go to the county courthouse and get a copy. He procrastinates until I pitched a fit and he finally goes to the courthouse to get the papers and comes home empty handed. The divorce was never final. Now his sister's text makes sense and he is STILL denying she knows what she's talking about. I flipped the fuck out on him. Papers had been filed (and I did inadvertently get proof of that, via a conversation he had with the "ex" on speakerphone where she confirmed). I insist it get finalized or he get out of my life. Looking back, THAT is when I really should have walked away. I had no business coming in between a marriage. The divorce took TWO years to complete, due to lack of money, he was going to fight for custody of the kids, a bad lawyer, etc.

During this time, we continue to live together, fight like crazy, and just have an overall unhealthy relationship. Fall of 2012, things take a turn for what I thought was the better. Between Christmas and NYE, he gets a text that says, "this is the day my grandma died 2 years ago, I'm gonna light a candle for her and I gotta get the hell outta my house". He has this listed under a guy's name he works with. But he has 2 numbers for this guy. He comes up with every excuse in the book, all flimsy and see through. At this point, his phone is in my name so I look the number up on the bill. Sure enough, there's TONS of texts back and forth. I explain that a) that text is something a dude would never say to another dude, b) I can't believe he would do this to me AGAIN!, and c) I told him to call her right then in front of me and end it. For the first time ever, he didn't act remorseful. He got ugly and said no, it's too late to call. I said, "Fuck that, she just texted you at 10 pm." We went round and round and I didn't back down. He finally calls and it went to voicemail. I told him to leave one and he wouldn't. After a couple more hours and horrendous fighting, I gave up and went to bed.

2013 passes and while I found no more evidence of him cheating, things did not get any better. I couldn't get over everything he'd done, he continued to lie about everything else (even insignificant things), and it just went downhill. We go through the phases were we attempt to fix things but we just couldn't.

2014 arrives and we get a new apt in an attempt to have a fresh start. I'm going to working and going to school and he gets a job 8 hours away. We can't afford for him to not have this job. Jobs here for his line of work are either non existent or don't pay nearly enough. Problem is, 8 hours away doesn't do anything to help with the lack of trust. Just the opposite. A few weeks ago, we were texting back and forth while he's at the bank, waiting to deposit his check. He regularly sends me pics of what he tells me he's doing to instill a little trust. So he sends me a pic of the line at the bank and suddenly he starts taking 10-15 minutes to respond. I ask him what the deal is and he calls and says he has to go pick up his coworker whose truck had died. I ask him to send me a pic. 20 minutes goes by and no pic. I said never mind because it shouldn't have take 20 minutes to send me a pic. He sent me a pic a little while later but I never responded. He texts several more times that night, saying he doesn't know what he did to make me mad, but he wishes I would talk to him. Now, this is a man who has been very possessive and territorial. He doesn't let me out of his sight without knowing exactly what I'm doing and where I'm doing. And he would blow my phone up in the past if he went a few hours without hearing from me. I went a WEEK and didn't respond to his texts. He never so much as picked up the phone to call and see if I was alive. I was so hurt and so angry. He apologized but I'm not over it.

This week has been awful. Constant fighting. We finally had some peace late Thursday night after a long, rough conversation. Yesterday, he was supposed to come home. He calls me at 6 and says his boss wants him to work 4 or 5 hours today and he doesn't know what to do. Hours have been cut back drastically over the last few weeks and I had to postpone my LASIK due to that. He feels really bad and said he's between a rock and a hard place. He wants to come home and spend time with me but he can't complain about not having hours if he turns them down. The phone cuts out and half hour goes by. Normally he calls back, but he didn't so I call him back. I asked him what happened and he said he'd been playing phone tag with his coworker. I said, "oh, I didn't realize he was more important than me". He said he wasn't but he was really annoyed, could he call me back? I told him not to bother and when he came in town this weekend, he could just stay at his mom's. We haven't had contact since then.

He swears he doesn't want anything but a life with me and I am the reason he's out there so we can have a good life. He says he misses me like crazy and he would come home in a heartbeat if he could find a job that paid enough for us to pay our bills.

Since he's gotten this job, he's been very...not him. When he's at work, he's very short (I get it, he's at work and he's busy) and his tone of voice just isn't very nice. I told him that wasn't going to fly. When he's not at work, he's the sweet man I fell in love with. Work is the only place/time he's like that and this is an job where no women work, except the boss's wife and I've met her and know she isn't an issue. But lately his attitude has been awful. I finally called him out on it and he says he's stressed. 8 hours away, not enough hours, the stress of having 2 rents and not enough money to cover the bills, not getting to see me or his kids, the stress of what he knows he's done to me and now it's harder to fix it.

I don't know. In addition to all this, he doesn't think, he doesn't listen, he flies by the seat of his pants. Oh and he has a sexual addiction that he JUST came clean about when I found his google history a couple months ago. I had caught him with porn many times and he always denied it, even when I caught him red handed. So pathological liar and SA can be added to the list. So now that I've told y'all all the's why I stayed. I love him. He's my best friend. And when he's not doing all the stupid shit, he's really a fantastic man and boyfriend. He can be incredibly thoughtful, he takes good care of me, spoils me rotten with love and affection. And I'm certainly not perfect. I am very manipulative, I play head games (not intentionally but I still do), I am verbally abusive and have gotten violent many times, verbally and physically, and can't let go of the past to work on the present. And when things get rough, I want to quit. We are both incredibly immature in our relationship and we don't know how to fix it.

I don't know how to fix it, if I want to fix it, or where to go from here. If my friend were to tell me this, I'd tell her to pull her head out of her ass and leave him, pronto. I wish it were that easy. I know not being married and not having kids makes people wonder why I have stuck around. After 3 years of living together, our lives, our finances, and our hearts and completely entangled. It's not as easy as just "walking away". I've read the 180 and I'm prepared to implement it. Any advice is appreciated.

StillLivin posted 5/24/2014 14:26 PM

Is he divorced yet? If not, YOU are the OW. Even if he is divorced, why would you think he would treat a woman who he never made vows with and doesn't have kids with any better than the one he did make vows to and did have children with?

I don't know how to fix it, if I want to fix it, or where to go from here.

No, screwy thinking. You can NOT fix him. Only HE can fix HIM!
You need some serious counseling because you exhibit extreme codependence.
Honey, why is it ok for you to be with someone so not worth all the heartache? Why is a friend of yours (any friend) worth more than what you are worth to you?
No it is not easy to walk away from an abusive and toxic relationship when we are codependent. But if you EVER want to be healthy, you need to implement the 180 and definitely start making moves to set yourself up to live on your own. You do NOT need to live with him to be with him.
Though you should NOT be with him at all if he is still M.
Not one person on this site will support you or your relationship with this man if he is still M.
Another question, if he is still M, why would you settle for less than you should? What makes settling ok with you? Why don't you love yourself more than this.
Who did what to you to damage you so much.
I see your post and I just want to hold you like a little sister or child and take away whatever pain you suffered in your life to allow you to think you deserve so little.

Tearsoflove posted 5/24/2014 14:37 PM

Please reread your post. I can't give you a single reason to stay with this guy. He's a walking red flag. You stuck your head in the sand for a long time, including allowing yourself to be the OW in a marriage. Pull your head out of the sand and get into IC to find out why any part of you thinks this was ever a healthy relationship.

Oh, and there are a couple reasons why he's so "possessive" of you and needs to know where you are every second:
1. Cheaters project their behavior on to everyone else. They don't believe they are the only one cheating so they watch their partner's every move.
2. If he always knows where you are, he never has to worry about you surprising him with an affair partner.

Ditch this guy. And don't get in a new relationship until you've explored the reasons why you tolerated this one or your next relationships are likely to be just as unhealthy.

Skan posted 5/24/2014 16:36 PM

The way you fix this, is to disentangle your life from this man and run in the other direction. He cheats on you constantly. Without stop. He can't hold down a job anywhere near you. He refuses to tell you the truth.

Honestly, this IS as good as it's going to get. Run away. Fast. Before you end up pregnant and bound to his POS for the rest of your life.

twitching posted 5/24/2014 16:44 PM

Run away. Dump him and never look bacj. Honestly I can't even believe this is real. ??

Williesmom posted 5/24/2014 16:52 PM

This is a thousand different train wrecks. Walk away from this shit. You deserve so much more.

stronger08 posted 5/24/2014 18:53 PM

He has been playing you since day 1. He was looking for someone to take care and support his dead beat ass and you fit the bill. He has lied to you so much you really don't know who this guy is. But from where I sit I see a player and a fraud. Do yourself a very big favor and lose this dude before its too late. He has it all Wife, GF's, baby Mammas etc. Your just another person he is playing and I think you need to rid him from your life. He has no regret let alone remorse for his actions. But he sure has a shit load of excuses that you keep accepting. Your still fairly young, go find a man who will treat you right.

Chrysalis123 posted 5/24/2014 19:45 PM

He has been playing you since day 1. He was looking for someone to take care and support his dead beat ass and you fit the bill. He has lied to you so much you really don't know who this guy is. But from where I sit I see a player and a fraud


Please get to a therapist as soon as you can. Let the therapist read what you wrote us and go from there. You will not regret doing that.

Here is a great book to read: Why does He do That? by Lundy Bancroft

It will help you immensely.

I am glad you found us. Keep posting

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/25/2014 06:25 AM

Honestly, I didn't even read your whole post. After the 3rd paragraph I'd had enough.

Why would you even WANT to fix this train wreck? You can't fix it - the guy is a psychopath. He's a sneaky, good for nothing, lying, cheating, opportunist con man.

Cut him from your life. And don't even THINK about getting pregnant with this guy. Apparently, he's got kids all over the place but his lazy ass isn't even motivated to support them and he thinks it's just fine to let YOU support him while he spends his day trolling AdultFriendFinder. What a complete loser.

I feel bad for you because this dysfunction has become your new 'normal' and you can't even see what a losing venture this is for you.

Good luck.

teeghan posted 5/25/2014 13:34 PM

I have read this and just can not see how or WHY you would stay with a person like this. This is just crazy. Your wasting your life on a person who is NEVER going to change. You can NOT make him change. I wasted 12 years on a crazy prson - so trust me when I say to get out NOW....... LIKE YESTERDAY NOW!!!

GabyBaby posted 5/25/2014 14:21 PM

I've gone back and forth on whether I should post this reply, but you go.

First, I agree with the previous posters. Run.
This is not a "man" who is a partner in your life. From what you posted here, he's a parasite.

However, there are some things about yourself that I would strongly urge you to dig into with a professional before getting into another relationship.

Why would a person in his/her 30s think that moving in with a romantic interest only a WEEK after meeting is a good idea?!
Yes, at this point it was a couple of years ago, but it makes one question how sound your decision-making may be.
You posted that you were floored about some of his behaviors after being together only a month.
In truth, you didn't KNOW this person and you still don't. He has done little more than lie and spin tales to keep you under his thumb.

Please get out and for the love of gawd do NOT get pregnant.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 2:28 PM, May 25th (Sunday)]

GabyBaby posted 5/26/2014 10:19 AM

I hope you're still here and reading.
I don't think anyone is trying to beat you up, but instead trying to give you the perspective of people who are a little more objective and not mired in the situation.

Please pop in and let us know you're ok.

LostandConfused3 posted 5/26/2014 17:08 PM

I'm here. I've been trying to stay busy but I've been checking the responses. And I keep rereading what I posted. Not because I don't remember every horrible second but because it helps keeps me angry instead of hurt. I don't want to be vulnerable enough to hurt. If I'm angry, I'll make the steps to ending this.

The divorce was final about a year ago. I do know (for a fact) that they separated in 2008/2009 (I can't remember which) and he's had at least 2 other relationships since, that everyone was aware of, so I fooled myself into believing him when he said he thought it was final. He said they went to court and he had paperwork so he thought that was it. He says he doesn't know why it wasn't final but when he called around to lawyers (I was there and heard the conversations) every one of them asked him if he'd taking a parenting class. He said no and every one of them told him that's why it wasn't ever finalized. I also know that his dad would never have allowed him to be irresponsible like that, because if nothing else, his dad would have taken responsibility into his own hands and forced him to take care of it. He has never had to be responsible a day in his life until he met me. He has know idea how to do that or be accountable for his actions and behavior.

When I said I didn't know how to fix it, I was referring to the numerous problems I brought into this relationship, but never got around to mentioning. I probably am codependent but I don't really know what that means. I understand the definition, and I can point it out when someone else is being codependent but being in the thick of this situation, I'm lost as to how it applies to me. Will someone explain it to me, please? That said, I know that my issues aren't what brought some of this on. It might have contributed to some but if he wasn't happy, he should have left before he found someone else. I do not and will not take responsibility for that.
But I definitely had some faults and I'm so lost I don't know how to fix it. I am calling about counseling Tuesday.

I've been lied to and cheated on by every man I've ever dated. From the not serious, just went out on a few dates to the 4 serious relationships I've had. My mother made her preferences clear when I was a child and I was not one of them. She blatantly preferred my brothers over me and made no secrets about it. I've never been good enough. For anyone.

I guess I want to fix it for a few reasons. 1) I think he probably does love me. He does things on a daily basis that you don't do for someone if you don't love them. I have told him many times that I think he was initially attracted to me and never thought it would go anywhere, so he didn't feel the need to clean up his mess before he asked me out. Then he fell in love with me and didn't know what to do. He wanted me in his life but he didn't know how to fix all the crap in his life so instead of being honest and risk losing me, he drove it underground and the issues he didn't know how to fix and/or never had to be accountable for began overtake daily life. 2) I do love him, right or wrong. I'm not saying it's healthy but until I can get to the point of not loving him more than I love me, I'm always going to want to work this out. It's taken me a long time to realize that.

One of the issues we've had is that when things get even a little rough, I want to bail. That's always been my defense mechanism. So nearly every fight we've ever had (whether it was over his issues or even something insignificant that got blown out of proportion), I've told him I'm done. A couple of years ago, he went to my parents because he was at a loss as to what to do and how to handle me. Admittedly, I am a handful and I'm very difficult to get along with. I probably have a little OCD and I'm a perfectionist. I know that's rooted in my childhood due to my mom. That's some of my relationship immaturity. Their advice was to walk away. I'd come to my senses and ask him back. He reminded me of this a few days ago and his behavior has been very distant. It's like he's started the 180 on me! He says he wants to work things out but then the behavior doesn't match. He tells me he loves me and only me and I am the only one for him and he hasn't lied or cheated in a very long time. But then he doesn't send pics when he says he will, he doesn't call or text when he says he will. He keeps saying he wants my trust but I don't feel like he's willing to earn it because when he's tried in the past, it didn't do any good and he felt like he was spinning his wheels. To be fair, he's right. I didn't give him an inch. And I found fault with every single thing he did. I overlooked all the good and only focused on the negative.

And no, I am not getting pregnant. Got to have sex for that.

titanfour posted 5/26/2014 17:54 PM

Lots of things to process on this post. It looks like you've been reading around some so you know the 180. Continue reading, that's a good idea.

I completely agree you need to work on your issues as you see them and IC is a great step. Kudos for seeing that!

I can't imagine someone NOT knowing whether their D was final. Especially with kids. And its been years? Hard for me to buy that. If its not final, that seems like way to far in a gray area (maybe not even gray).

He has know idea how to do that or be accountable for his actions and behavior.

If you recognize this, you must also agree he is not ready for a relationship in any case. These qualities are and should be ESSENTIAL for you to have a relationship. Do not settle for less now you or will surely regret it later (IMO).

You deserve to be happy now and this is when you are planing seeds.

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