SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My h had a long affair with a younger woman with whom he still works.

When I found out she wrote to me about everything they got up to in bed and in the car and as my h was told to be honest with my questions he confirmed everything she said. In hindsight I should have never of read it or asked questions but you'll all know why I did.

Moving on to 4 years in r everything is going well ish but when I try and do something a bit different in the bedroom my h becomes shy and is not very adventurous, unless it is something we've done before. I'm not talking about anything too racey just trying to put a bit of spice and surprise into it!

Yet with her he was very adventurous, anywhere, any time. Why can't he relax and be more outgoing with me, I feel rejected and not as good/ sexy as her, although she was 15 years younger than me and 20 younger than him.

I've tried talking to him and he can understand why I feel how I do but offers no reason for it, so I can only assume the above is correct.

Have you sat down and had a long talk with him about this? Dammit, one of the JOYS of marriage is the ability to try new things in the bedroom with someone who, supposedly, can support you through this. I would be pissed off about this too. I do have to wonder if somehow this is triggering him, but who the heck would know unless he actually speaks up!

(some tmi, sorry)

I know exactly how you feel and I think you are spot on. You get creative, put yourself really out there, and then feel rejected. I struggle with this. I was reading in another post a few days ago and it hit me that I am always trying to make it good for FWW, probably as yet another defense/coping mechanism. She always wants oral performed on her, but never wants to do that for me. Its a huge reminder for me that it is what she did for OM. Reminder for me not when she does it, just when she rejects it (maybe reverse for her?). Then, the A is back it the room. I am sure its her shame coming out, and I don't want to drive her back to it either, so it is very hard to get past because even avoidance is itself a trigger at the worst possible time.

I can almost tell what she did after at this point by what she wants to avoid. Face-face intercourse, for example, is something she has since decided she didn't like so much. Took me over a decade to really put that together. She has always maintained that never happened, but I am left to wonder (and I have asked again). Some other things too. But these all go away if she has had anything to drink, which is rare. Its taken me a long time to get to this level of understanding.

I am sure you are reading your H right. You are providing a pleasure and for him its a very guilty one. These are aftershocks when DD is more and more in the past. I know my W is very concerned I (or others?) will think of her as a "slut" even wearing provocative clothing (so won't, and she says as much). Likely your H had no respect for the OW but he respects you and seeing you get adventurous this gets him conflicted.

FWIW, I think its inevitable, no silver bullet for this. If you're facing it head-on, you are doing better than most (Incl me). Understanding helps, especially if you consider the coping part. Sometimes not for a few days afterwards though.

Skan, you are so right one of the joys in marriage is the ability to try new things in the bedroom. I understand where TryingVeryHard is coming from. My husband of almost 20 years doesn't want sex at all, and hasn't come near me in over four years. And he's not affectionate in anyway. He says he's not gay and has absolutely no sex drive. When I bring it up he does't talk either. The most he's said in counseling is "I'm not comfortable talking about it." I understand your frustration. Good luck TryingVeryHard I hope he speaks up soon.

My ws had an entirely different sexual side with ow than with me. He can be a little shy at tines too. Our sex lives were really good but he got into stuff with ow that was totally different than with me. They viewed a lot of porn and.I assume were trying to be porn stars themselves. Even after DD during HB, he didnt bring any of it out of his arsenal. Somebody on SI mentioned the Madonna/whore complex and. I googled it. I saw a lot of the behaviors they described in my ws. He can be this other person with her but with his wife, not the same.. Check it out and see if it pertains to your situation.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:07 AM, May 25th (Sunday)]

I think in large part it has to do with respecting you and not wanting to go outside of the boundaries of that image he has of you.

The OW, however, was more of a sexual free zone for him. I don't think he cared what she thought of him or what he ultimately thought of her and that's probably why he had an 'anything goes' mentality with her.

Thanks for all the replies, it's good to know I'm understood.

It seems that he hates surprises. Since the affair anything a bit out of the ordinary, and I'm only talking about the odd massage or putting on the stockings, has to be pre arranged or at least pre hinted. I can't just do anything, apart from everyday sex, on the spur of the moment. Odd.

My h too was completely different with ow sexually and did the normal affair things with her, such as sexting, sex in the car etc, that would never come into our relationship because a) I would never take a photo of my bits, b) he would be too shy to do either of the above with me and c) I'd worry about getting caught! I can cope with all that and put that in the right compartment. However it is still something he experienced in our marriage without me and was more than willing to do.

What I get really upset about is how he talked to her about his fantasies, which he may have just made up on the spot but he still, apparently, engaged in this conversation and they carried them out. If I've ever asked him, even pre affair, to describe one he just laughs and says he doesn't have any. In other words makes no effort to play along.

Also it seems that whatever she wanted to do to him sexually he went along with. He says he didn't get a lot out of what they did and I do believe him, but again I with her he understood that doing what your partner wants is part of sex. (When I say he said he didn't get a lot out of it He meant it didn't move the earth for him more than anything else - of course he enjoyed it)

Don't get me wrong, our sex life has rebuilt itself quite we'll and he is an attentive lover but he just won't go the extra mile with me as he did with her.

From what I understand of their affair she was the dominant one in and out of the bedroom, although he played the dutiful puppy quite well. She was more sexually experienced than him, perhaps he was trying to prove otherwise? Or did there relationship have nothing but work and sex in common so had to improvise?

Secretly, I think she was just a better lover than me and he was more attracted to her. But then he'd have to have been more attracted to her to have the affair in the first place.

I don't think he cared what she thought of him or what he ultimately thought of her and that's probably why he had an 'anything goes' mentality with her.

Exactly. An affair is described best by the song lyrics "...I used her and she used me and neither one cared..."

If something goes badly, who cares? He just ends the relationship and finds the next neighborhood slut.