Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Is your new beginning 'never to date again'

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Pages: 1 · 2

BrighterFuture posted 5/24/2014 17:11 PM

Just wondering how many have made this choice. I'm so so scared of going through this again I'm almost to the point I feel like I don't want to date. I guess I feel like protecting myself and scared of trusting someone and being vulnerable.

nowiknow23 posted 5/24/2014 18:07 PM

I almost never say never. Dating has not been a part of my new beginning, and it won't be a part for the foreseeable future. I have zero interest in it, and I've got plenty of other irons on the fire that are far more important to me and demand my full attention.

That being said, this - I guess I feel like protecting myself and scared of trusting someone and being vulnerable - may be a good indication that you aren't ready yet. That doesn't mean that you have to lock yourself away in the tower, by the way. You can go out. Meet people. Do fun things. Socialize. Learn something new. Try something you've never tried before. Uncover old interests you've left behind.

Many people recommend trying Meet Ups if you aren't ready or willing to date, but want to meet people and get out more.

tesla posted 5/24/2014 18:22 PM

Dating has not been a part of my new beginning. I went on one date a couple months after the D and I just found myself uninterested in investing the time. I suppose part of that is not wanting to be vulnerable again. But part of it is because I'm rediscovering myself and I like being a mom. I like being a teacher. I like working on my house and yard. I like pursuing my master's degree. I like being in control.

I won't say never because I also like being open to new possibilities...but I'm in a good why mess with a good thing?

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to date. Take time and find what you need...give yourself space to heal.

IrishLass518 posted 5/24/2014 18:26 PM

I don't date right now and I haven't since, well since I was dating my xWH. I enjoy my freedom, my friends, my family, work, school and my downtime. I have thought maybe I might date someday but meh, someday isn't in the near future. I have tons of stuff I want to get done for me first. Part of that is getting to a place where IF I let someone in and IF they messed up like this, I want to be secure enough in me to just walk away. No more co dependency.

PhoenixRisen posted 5/24/2014 19:01 PM

I OLD a little after D. It's not for me. So I'm just doing my own thing right now (kids, work, home, yard, travel, etc). I kinda like it. Being single isn't really about fear of dating/intimacy. It's more about freedom and independence. If I want to go to Paris I don't have to put it off because my SO doesn't want to go. I just plan it! If I want to paint my living room I don't have to check in with someone about the color - I get the one I want.

There is that old saying from Love Story:
"Love means never having to say you're sorry"
well... okay but I like this one better:
"Being single means never having to compromise again!"

SBB posted 5/24/2014 19:39 PM

I don't think I'll date seriously for another decade or so. My girls are only 6 and 3 and I just can't see how I would ever risk this again by bringing someone into their lives. Let alone sharing my life with someone again.

I'm enjoying the freedom of not having to be accountable to anyone but myself. That would be hard to adjust to again.

So yes - I think for some time my NB will be never to date again. I don't believe I'll ever meet anyone that would be worth the risk. I also don't trust my picker. Who knows what the future holds but TBH I wouldn't date me right now.

I think it's important to have some time alone without fretting. If I end up alone I'm good with that - I'd rather that than WH#2.

I still love men and have a lot of respect and admiration for the good and great guys in my life. I just don't want to buy the cow.

Gemini71 posted 5/24/2014 19:49 PM

I'll never say never. But it's just not a priority for me to date again. I'm going to rebuild my life and enjoy myself before I think about adding complications.

Williesmom posted 5/24/2014 20:41 PM

I didn't date for about a year after my D. I called it "sexual hibernation".

I date now, my I like my alone time also. I don't know if I could ever live with someone again.

StillLivin posted 5/24/2014 23:18 PM

Right now I'm in this category.
I'm just....tired.
I have no problem going out with friends even guys, but it is strictly platonic, and it is just doing fun stuff with folks that have mutual interests with no pressure involved.
Maybe one day, but I just don't have the mental or emotional energy to deal with a man right now. I haven't gotten my shit together, and there is much on my plate at present.
But never say never.

Bluebird26 posted 5/25/2014 02:57 AM

I am fair to busy to even consider dating. Won't say never but he would have to be pretty bloody fabulous to give up my freedom.

justjim posted 5/25/2014 05:08 AM

Unfortunately, it seems that people no longer know how to "date". Dating used to be an interview process that folks used to gradually become more and more familiar with potential mates.

Now days, it seems that it is more like "Hello, I'm Jim". "Well Hello Jim, I'm Loosey. Wanna come to my place for the night?"


Enjoy your wine. Take some time to understand how lucky you are that the crazy revealed itself now, rather than later when your heart was even more vulnerable.

You're going to be just fine.

littlefoggy posted 5/25/2014 06:18 AM


Certainly not dating right now.

cayc posted 5/25/2014 06:59 AM

Dating for me has ebbed and flowed. Sometimes I"m up for it, and others times it's just in my way and this thing that challenges me, but not in a good way.

I didn't date too soon after my D, but my first dating forays did make me panic. It was hard being around men, being my normal friendly self, and realizing that I had no history with them, no memories to recall, didn't know if I could trust them and so on. Basically adjusting to the uncertainties of meeting new people and not giving them my power took quite some time.

It wasn't until all of that was worked through and gone that dating actually turned into something where I was receptive to getting to know someone and didn't feel badly about but rather, hmm, new person, cool!

There is no requirement to date. Dating doesn't have to be part of rebuilding your life. Had I been your age when all of this happened to me? I probably would have relaxed and waited longer to date. I think I felt pressure because of my age, I felt a little like goods nearing their expiry date on the shelves that everyone passes over to buy something fresher.

Dang girl, you've got sooooooooooo much time in your future for a do-over. What's the rush in making any kind of pronouncement? Hang out and live your life. Your heart will tell you when you're ready to look around at some new people and see if they are candidates for sharing your life. You've got all the time in the world, so until then, if it makes you feel badly, don't do it and no need to apologize for not doing it.

BrighterFuture posted 5/25/2014 09:53 AM

It's been 15 months of no sex no dating for me. I'm raising 2 small kids and pursuing a Master's degree graduating in 2015. I need to heal. No dating for me until 2016 or later.

FaithFool posted 5/25/2014 10:29 AM

Going into year 6 of flying solo, I'm turning into a confirmed old bachelorette here.

I met one guy on OLD a few years ago who was nice enough, but he misrepresented with old photos.

The bad teeth and the massive gut were kind of a turnoff. I wouldn't have had a problem dating the guy in the pictures!

Anywho, since then I just lurk and if I see someone interesting someday I would consider it, but they'd have to be pretty much where I'm at with life for it to work (the extroverted introvert personality profile would be a good match).

I've become pretty involved with finishing my degree and doing what I want, when I want, and making time for song and dance required to date takes so much energy. I prefer to direct that energy to other things right now.

And when I see the anguish in the "he/she dumped me" threads it becomes even less attractive. I remember going through that in my twenties and so don't want to go there ever again.

But yeah, never say never. Stranger things have happened.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 12:26 PM, May 26th (Monday)]

Kajem posted 5/25/2014 13:28 PM

Not dating and really not looking to date. I am out making friends and learning my way around my new town.

justjim posted 5/25/2014 13:45 PM

Something tells me that OLD would not work out for me, but my profile might be interesting reading, though.

Maybe I will swear off dating, too.

Too_Trusting posted 5/26/2014 12:21 PM

I haven't dated since my SO died in 2006, and I have zero desire to date. Like others have said, I'm just content doing what I want, when I want, and answering to no one. I discovered some things about my SO after he died, and it appeared that he had likely been seeing his exW while we were supposedly in a committed relationship. After that discovery, I just realized that my picker was obviously broken, and it's like I flipped a switch and just couldn't be bothered to ever date again.

Of course, I'm in my 50's, and being in a relationship just truly isn't important to me. My freedom and independence seems to suit me much better.

fraeuken posted 5/26/2014 13:07 PM

I could have written every word nowiknow23 said.

I did date for a while as part of my NB in 2013 but made a conscious decision not to do that because I am not ready.

Meetups are fun, but mostly I just like to spend time with my girls when they are with me and focus on work when I have kid free time.

Good luck to you, BrighterFuture.

jilted12 posted 5/26/2014 19:38 PM

I wouldn't say never but I haven't dated yet & am not really looking to. OLD isn't for me but if I happened to meet someone in the course of my every day life that I was interested in I would do it. But since everyone I hang out with is married, I don't see that happening any time soon. As others have said though, my life is quite fulfilling at the moment & I'm enjoying being single again. My friends keep bugging me about it but I told them that the next man in my life will most likely be of the four-legged variety

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.