I am also doubting a trip away he had where he has told me they spent their last night together but he was there for 3 nights and I know she was in the city for a fashion week thing (bluergh she is not a fashionista at all!) and now I am doubting they only had one night together. Why wouldn't they spend the whole time together?
I asked him about that trip and he says it is only the one night but I can't believe it so now it is like being told some more TT as I can't believe him.
And when I got really upset and was crying I told him about laying next to him and how I was feeling and he said they never lay like that together. Yeah that is crap - of course you would have - you just had mindblowing sex how ever many times over night - of course you layed in each others arms seeing you were so in love.
This is fucked. I believe him when he is remorseful, that he only wants me, that he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me, that he just wants me and our family, that he is so sorry and hates what he did to me.
But I can't get rid of what happened. How do I ever move on from that? I don't want to divorce him, but I don't know how to move forward. I would rather not wake up tomorrow - so I don't have to try to push these thoughts away everday. So I don't have to try to forgive someone for something I have always thought was unforgiveable. I just want it to have never have happened, but I know that can't be and I am so fucking pissed off that I have to live with the consequence of this. I almost wish he had just fucking left me when he told me and been with her. I might have one day gotten over him not wanting me anymore. Maybe I could have moved on. But now I know there is that 5 months that he didn't want me - he just wanted her. How can I get over that. I was supposed to be his only, we made promises to each other and he threw that all away for a 9 month EA/PA with her. How can I get over this.
I just don't even want to go on, but I have to for my kids - they don't deserve this anymore than I do. I just don't know how to be strong anymore
BS (me) 40 WH 38 OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
married 19 and 7 kids
He has now decided he can't do it anymore and left
Slight T/J: If it helps, for me, this gets less and less intense as time goes by with a FWH that is being open, compassionate, and supportive to me. Maybe it's de-sensitizing, maybe it's me learning to self-smooth, but earlier, I would have told my FWH about how I was feeling, had him comfort me, and he would definitely have told me how sorry he was to have been the cause of such a trigger. He's sitting right next to me now, and I could have turned to him with this, however, I chose to tell myself that that was (possibly) then, this is now, and that this trigger was mine to choose to banish. But it takes time. Time and a FWH that is proving himself every day.
Right now, your reactions and feelings are bang on. These triggers, these thoughts are SO very raw, it's like having saltwater poured on an open wound. Of course it hurts how could it not? Of course you don't have trust right now. How could you? What you are feeling is very, very valid. And very, very real. Please, keep talking to him, keep posting here, and know that what you are feeling and thinking are justified. Get those thoughts and feelings out, don't stifle them. Don't let them fester. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
