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coming clean advice please

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ginger91181 posted 5/24/2014 22:51 PM

I have had more than one A on my husband since we have been dating, 17 years, married almost 10. I hid from them. He found out about both of the major ones from other people. I never had any intentions on him finding out. Each time I have been confronted I gave him TT and lies. I told him the worst that happened with the most recent A, when he confronted me a little over a year ago. It did take me a day or two to get it out to him. I thought that I did the right thing by giving him the sexual facts about it. I didn't think about the little details. And yes over the years other things had happened and I never came completely clean about the first major A. I know that he does not trust me, as I have my own issues, especially with lying, manipulating, hiding, faking, amongst others (not excuses for what I have done). It took over a year of him telling me exactly what he needed for me to finally listen. He wants a list of all details and every lie I have ever told him. I finally started working on it, I have a hard time remembering a lot so I started writing notebooks to myself (and open to him) of every detail of my life for the past 17 years. Not only everything I did, but also my feelings at the time, of in all honesty everything that I remember. I am going through every text message and email that we sent each other. I am also writing this to learn about myself as well. I have issues that need to be changed and managed. When I am done with this, I plan to write him a fact list, with no feelings written in. It has taken me a few months so far, I am 4 notebooks in, and still have a year of texts and emails to go through. He is frustrated, and I completely understand why, it has taken me so long to do this for him, and he is asking himself if he will ever get what he needs from me, and all honesty. I am honestly writing all truths. The problem I am having is that to write this, I need my own quiet time to myself to put myself in the zone of the past. This is how I remember things. We have 2 kids, 5 and 8, I work from home taking care of my mother who lives with us, need to do some extra online work, trying to keep up the house, doing spring cleanup, still have deep conversations with my husband, and get the sleep that I need. He helps around the house as well and works full time. I am struggling to prioritize all of this. I know he wants this done ASAP, and I understand that. To do this right this time, I need to write every single detail to come clean with. I want to make this work between us, I am understanding him and myself more every day and I am changing my old ways and doing what I need to do to be the best me I can be. I am worried that he is not going to wait long enough for me to give him what he needs. He asked me if he will ever get all of this from me, even by his death bed. Also he said he flipped through what I wrote so far, and said there are things missing already (I wrote this as a timeline). I am not making excuses, in all honesty have wrote everything that I remember in the past 17 years. Sometimes I do think of little things and I will write it in. I know I messed up. I am doing the best I possibly can to help him. I have destroyed him. I know I love this man with everything I have. I am doing it right this time, Iwant it to work between us, and I will not make these same mistakes again. Sorry for the long post, any advice will be greatly appreciated.

anothermoron posted 5/25/2014 00:05 AM

hmm...It sounds like youre doing the right thing. I mean truth is what he's asked for, and that's what youre giving him. but it does seem to be taking you quite a long time. Could you just give him a summary of the really bad stuff? That, presumably, is what he's after. there cant be much satisfaction in seeing a list of the occasions on which you told little white lies about what you gave the kids for lunch, etc. And if he is after a list of absolutely everything, even the tiny insignificant stuff, well that suggests a bigger problem that a list isn't going to solve. Another possibility is that he trusts you so little that he wont even believe the truth any more. Thats certainly an issue I have with my BW. Do you have any sense for what he wants to get out of all this?

ginger91181 posted 5/26/2014 11:59 AM

Thank you for your reply. He read this post and said your advice is very helpful. We talked some more about it and I finally understood that it is my own problem, he is not asking too much, it is that my expectations to myself are too high and I am avoiding what is truly important. He just wants truth and honesty, and to come to him without him asking and telling me what to say. I started with this kind of thinking today and I feel that this was an accomplishment. Doing things the right way and respecting him, which is what he truly deserves. Respect and honesty. Thank you for your comment, it really helped me think about things in a different perspective.

william posted 5/26/2014 14:16 PM

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