It may just be time to call it quits. I'm tired of the endless circle of talking and arguing that always leads us to the exact same thing...I cheated. I'm being very blunt here. This is going to be long. I'm writing this for me to clear my mind after tonight as much as anything.
I never intended to cheat, never wanted to cheat...before I did it. I wanted to have a wonderful, safe and loving relationship with my boyfriend/husband. Ten years together (8 dating, 1 1/2 married at the time in 2001) had baggage, as we all do. But we were married and building our young lives together.
And then it just stopped. I was working out of town a lot, long hours and "climbing the corporate ladder". I was tired and I was lonely. But I wasn't cheating and didn't. I wanted my husband. I would be on my way home for the weekend, planning out how I wanted to attack him when I got home. I wanted his kiss, his arms, his body, love and affection. And I got there and I got nothing. I would plant a kiss on him that would set most guys on fire and he would pull away and tell me about the mail or a tv show or any other random thing.
He was being resentful and jealous. He didn't like my career, though he liked the money I made and was proud of me, he too was lonely. He wanted sex also. But he wanted kinky, wild sex that involved me being an exhibitionist and voyeurism (him and others). We'd played around a little before we were married, but never anything too crazy, in my mind. But he started talking about involving others and fantasizing about it. I was uncomfortable and it made me feel unsafe and not special. My H knew how I grew up...alcoholic father, divorced parents and told by my own father that I wasn't quite good looking enough for my H and he'd eventually cheat on me. He knew these things and yet he wanted what he wanted. If I wouldn't give it to him, then he would give me nothing. Not even the basics.
And as a work conference rolled around (that I begged him to go to with me and he wouldn't because he didn't want to and he didn't like my coworker's spouse that was going) and I got a little down and a little drunk and made friends with a guy (OM) at the conference. We had all been goofing around as a group and dancing and this group of guys were flirting with me heavily. I needed that. It made me feel on top of the world considering my own H barely noticed me.
I went home and told my H about the flirting and even tried to make him a little jealous. But I got really nothing...in fact, he liked it too. He wanted me to tell him about it during sex. I wish I hadn't but I went along. At least we were just fantasizing and we were being intimate. A compromise perhaps.
But as the weeks went on, we were both still unfulfilled. I wanted him to make love to me and not bring other people into it always. He wanted me to push the fantasy a little further. He made it clear that he did not want me to cheat, but he used the OM in our fantasies asking about things I'd like to do with him or have him do to me. I went along because by this point the OM and I were talking on the phone a few times a week and flirting. I could tell he liked me, wanted me. That gave me a boost in confidence, which I in turn used to fuel my H's fantasies, hoping that was all they were and would ever be.
Then after a couple of months of me flirting and meeting the OM for lunch occasionally (EA at this point only), my H lets me know that what I'm doing is still not what he really wants. Ultimately, he really wants to involve the exhibitionism/voyeurism with other men seeing me and wouldn't even rule out the idea of a threesome. I was hurt, disgusted, mad...and there was someone whispering...I'd never treat you that way, he's an idiot...and I went down the rabbit hole.
I liked it. I liked feeling wanted for just me and feeling "exclusive", by that I mean not wanting to be shared or even have the idea of it. That's why it last 2 1/2 months. It was nice that he was jealous of my H. He didn't like to think of us together at all and he was jealous of other guys. Not crazy jealous, just protective jealous. The "they can look, but what's under the clothes is mine and they can't have it" feeling. It wasn't real, but it felt that way at the time and I'd never felt that way.
I should have left my H. Maybe we shouldn't have ever even married or took the plunge from friendship to dating at such early ages. We weren't good communicators. I'm codependent and he's passive aggressive. We had some wonderful times and made some beautiful memories. But sex...sex, fucked us up.
When my H finally confronted me about his concerns regarding my friendship with the OM, I laughed it off. Nothing physical had happened and it was just a few flirty lunches. I didn't want to stop...it was only when it started that my H even seemed to notice/want me again. So I laughed it off and continued. He made it clear that he didn't want me to cheat on him. But he also didn't want to just have boring married sex for the rest of his life. I don't feel boring. I'm actually quite adventurous and playful...was then and am now...but it wasn't to the degree my H wanted. If I wore something sexy and flashed him something, that was fine, but he wanted me to flash other men...put on a show. But it's for you! Nope, that's boring.
Then came the damn journal. My H started writing in a journal I'd bought him for his songs/poetry. And I snuck and read it. What I thought were his true feelings were written in those pages. He swears now that somehow he thought I would sneak and read it and that it would make me NOT cheat on him. I still don't understand the logic to this day. As if there is any logic to any of this. But anyway...so the journal, full of things like:
I love my wife. She's the greatest woman I've ever known! But I'm not really attracted anymore. If I'm being honest, I haven't been for a while. Probably before we were married. We used to have fun and be adventurous. Then we got married and everyone always says that the fun stops when you get married. I didn't want to believe it was true. But it seems that it is and I am very depressed about this. The last few times I've made love to my wife, I haven't even been able to cum. I have to go and finish myself off. This happens all too often lately.
So that was supposed to make me not want to cheat. That was supposed to make me respect our marriage and vows and him. But it didn't. I still should have and I know that. I should have walked away. I should have. But I didn't. I loved him and I thought I could fix it.
And this story is told over and over again day after day and week after week. I'm not excusing myself, as much as it may sound like it. We all make choices. But we make choices based on our thoughts, feelings, needs and a whole host of other things. Sometimes we make good choices and sometimes we make the worst possible one. I made the worst possible.
So I lied about it. When my H confronted me again (once the PA had begun, we were together about 6 or 7 times), he knew I'd had lunch with the OM and lied about it. He confronted me with emails he found, etc. but he had no evidence of the actual PA (my H doesn't really believe in the whole EA or porn as cheating...which is a problem because both of those are his MO for boosting his self esteem). So I lied about it and admitted to flirting, meeting for lunches and dinners, kissing a couple of items, but nothing else. I thought I could end it, no more contact ever again with the OM and "save my marriage". It took time, but we both got better. We grew closer and had an easier time accepting some of each other's fantasies and needs, and realizing that some need to be just fantasy and that's ok.
And then December 8, 2013 came and we went to a party. My H was a little drunk and flirting with a girl that started flirting with him. This is a dangerous pattern that my H has fallen for way too many times and I was not about to sit and watch it. So we left, promptly after I watched my H slap this OW on the ass as she twerked it nearly against his crotch. I was livid and I laid in to him on the drive home. And finally at five in the morning the truth just came out. Yes, I slept with the OM...12 years ago. And it TT out for a few days. And the next weekend my H went and screwed that girl. Then a few days later he screwed one from our dating past that he'd been too flirty with. Then he made out with girls at bars and then a friend of mine caught him. He confessed and said he still wanted to be with me. He only half tried and it ended up he continued a PA with OW1 and EA with another woman from work that had been an EA two years earlier.
He got caught again, by me this time. A FB message I found. He confessed and cried and begged me to stay. I asked for a divorce and he begged no. So I stayed and I laid it out...we've both been shitty, terrible spouses at times and made some terrible choices. At this point we have to chalk it up to something we can't go back and change, but we have to be better. We have to understand how this happened, why and never ever let it happen again. No more misunderstandings, no more excuses. Just us.
That was in February and though I don't believe that he is still talking to the OW, any of them, I don't see or feel him trying. I've tried being patient. But I say things and do things to try to let him know I am trying, I try to show him emotionally and physically that I still love him, want him and want to heal. I read, I discuss, I read....he watches tv. He says he "hopes" things get better, but does nothing to make hope a reality.
We haven't had sex in five weeks. I have to cry and guilt him in to any major shows of affection, like holding me in the morning in bed after we wake up on weekends, or going to bed with me early at night, rather than staying up all night on the computer. He makes no special effort to show me he's trying. "I'm here aren't I?" Is what I get. Maybe a hand hold during tv, awkwardly and forced. Kisses polite enough for your grandmother and hugs with pats on the back like I'm a buddy. It all feels forced.
I love him. Still and always will. I want to scream from the mountains that this is the man I love and regardless of our pain and anger, despite our shitty actions, we are going to make it. Come he'll or high wart, we are going to make it. We love each other....we LOVE each other.
But I'm not patient. I'm lonely again. I feel so unwanted, so unsexy. And I could take some of this better if I didn't have the fresh feelings of being betrayed again myself. I'd take the punches, deservedly, and will still take a few. But not all of them. You don't get to say you are going to punish me, do it and then decide it wasn't enough...there's still more, or there's just nothing. But I hope it comes back. Until then, look what's on tv.
I've been a good person, save a few selfish and sad months in 2001. I would change them in a heartbeat if I could. But I can't. And I can't live there for the rest of my life. I didn't want to be there in the first place and should never have been or felt so lost. But I was, and it did and it is and will never change.
And he will never forgive. I can see it. I knew it then, which is why I lied. And I know I now. I want to make this happen, work, but I cannot and won't do it alone.
So I give up. I'm a quitter. I quit. I don't want to, but I will and have to. I'm not happy about it now and it's not ultimately what I want. But I'm a cheater and I don't get what I want. And now I have to be okay with that.
Sorry this was so long. Thanks for anyone who read. Peace to you and your families.