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pastbroken521 posted 5/25/2014 08:03 AM

My husband is struggling andbi want to help him. I see him everyday in pain and it is killing me. It goes from sad to angry to hurt in a blink of an eye. We talk about the affair and he needs answers to things but some of it I dont remember and he says I am too vague on other answers. I want to help him but I dont know how. We were talking yesterday about how I answer his questions about thing how I skip right to the end of the affiar yet he is still at the beginning of it. He wants to know how I felt in the beginning and I wouldnt call it kove because I didnt kove my affair partner at all bit I dont know how to explain how I felt. I tend to jump to the end where I didnt care about ny affair and just wanted to come home to my husband and kids. But he needs answers but with every answer I give him I see his reaction and immediately begin to back pedal trying to find a better way to put it searching for help for him. I dont know if anyone can help but I sure could use some! He doesnt sleep well because all he does is dream about it he doesnt smile or laugh I killed the man I loved and I want to badly to make him whole again. Being to vague makes me look like I am lying or not telling the whole truth but I am some thibgs I just dont know how to put things. I am here for him and only him.ive always had a problem showing my emotions kind of soulless but I am not at all they in in my just buried deep

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/25/2014 08:31 AM

I can relate to feeling soulless.

Do you express yourself better in writing? Could you offer to write it all out for him?

It is natural, and understandable, for us to withhold details we think will further hurt our BH. If you're doing that, I encourage you to rip off the Band-Aid and get it all out now.

Your BH's hurt feelings, his anguish, unfortunately are normal too. You cannot really help him work through that. The best thing you can do, IMO, is to become a safe partner, to look deep within yourself and start changing the bad parts of you that let you make the horrible choice to cheat.

IDK how far out you are, but everyone around here says the anger tends to spike around 6 months post-DDay. True in our case. After 13 months, his angry outbursts have all but subsided. The hurt is still there, but he had to come to terms with what I did, and work through it, pretty much on his own.

with every answer I give him I see his reaction and immediately begin to back pedal

Yikes. Which may give him the impression that you're lying. Again I'm thinking a full, written timeline, including details of communication, dates, places, as best as you can, may be very helpful. Some people do two versions. An x-rated and a PG-13 if you catch my drift. Some BH's want every sordid sexual detail, others prefer not to know that, but the important thing is...give him the choice.

You already decided you knew best how to deal with your perceived problems in the M, and you blew it, big-time. Now it's time to follow BH's lead, and if he needs you to start at the beginning and fill in all the details, then that is what you do. Even if it hurts, or you're afraid he'll leave you if he knows the full truth.