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killinmesoftly posted 5/25/2014 10:05 AM

So my W finally told me it was over 1.5 weeks ago, I've since moved into an apartment and is making it home. She have had no contact with me and she never confessed to her A with the OP..

When will I stop missing her and wanting my Marriage back. This is the most painful thing I've ever endured. I saw pics of she she took off her ring and has moved on.. How can I just move on?

Ashland13 posted 5/25/2014 11:43 AM

I'm really sorry, Killinme.

It is hard to imagine that a day will come when it will lessen, for I never thought it would for me. I was about a year to take off my rings, FWIW and about a year for the shock I think you may be in to wear off.

You are not alone in her lack of confession to you. I was told that x here "could not face me with the truth" and he did not confess to me. Rather, he confessed to my mother and wanted my family to do it for him. They did not. The he pasted it all over the internet for all the world to see, before I knew a thing. Anyway...

Some of the tools I used were tough to learn. First, in the early days, I kept reminding myself that he is not who he was, who I fell in love with is gone. When I could force myself to pretend that person was actually dead, I could begin to close the door. Now, I think of x as two people-this odd, very changed man who comes to collect my children and return them every other weekend. It is a stranger.

People in this situation often go no contact for many reasons. X here did it supposedly because he could not face the pain and agony he caused me, nor the sound of my voice-he did the same as you have to the point people thought he was dead-he went into hiding and left me with kids and all the bills late.

It will take time, another four letter word, but you will, in stages, see the truth and be able to move on. Not looking for pictures or looking up her name is a good start, though the withdrawal stages are very hard.

Anything else you can do to stop the thought patterns in your head will help intensely and to recognize that it is in your head, but not in your daily life, may help. That's how I do it.

And on Si there are tips like the healing library.

I'm sorry.

killinmesoftly posted 5/25/2014 22:07 PM

Thank you.. Its crazy bec she was the cheater.. all I want is to hear her tell me why she left me bbut instead she chooses to be a coward and avoid/ignore me..

I will try the she is dead thing and pray it works.

Ashland13 posted 5/25/2014 22:27 PM

Crazy is a really good word for it.

I don't want to be mean because you still care, but she sounds like Perv, who's a real coward. He did the same thing your W is doing, I think I said. Later, like a year or so, one of his family members told me he told them, "he couldn't face me."

For me, not hearing from him was about the hardest part. It leaves a void like a hole that appears to have nothing to plug it in. The first thing I did was look around my surroundings and tell myself, "I'm ok. I really am. I'm alone. He's not here and I'm still ok." And I told myself that more and more often when I was very down.

I just reread some of your first post and wanted to attempt an answer because I remember. The pain. It was like no other emotion on this earth, indescribable at times. I could not wait for childbirth, at one point, so that I would have a distraction from the emotional pain.

I cannot say when you will stop missing her, but it happened for me as a process that came in stages. What helped was to continue telling myself that he is not the same person I married. Even though we lived under the same roof, he was living an entirely different life than I. I was the only one living the dream of the marriage and finishing the house. He had long moved on but couldn't leave til he found someone to live with and share expenses. I became just a situation and his equity.

This idea amazed me because we had a very open floor plan and he was home most every night, until the calls came he was staying later and later at a job that didn't pay overtime?

I am sorry for your pain. For me, it began to stop in stages, also, kind of like the ebb and flow of ocean waves. I learned to appeal to my senses because I couldn't seem to reach my own mind and I learned small meditation skills when it was at it's peak. Not "ommm" or anything but counting and breathing, sense of smell, or things I did with hot and cold type ideas.

I, too, lost a house and had to learn how to live in an apartment. Now, I'm learning that it's ok because it can't be taken away by him or her. They've stolen all they can from me. All I have is the clothes on my back, my kids and piano.

It helped to stop looking at pictures...deleting my facebook, not looking at his twitter or myspace or whatever pages...you can even search and find where a person's cell phone is and when I stopped this cyber nonsense, I felt better over time.

In time you will be able to move on, though everyone's journey of healing is a different one. It also helps me to think of life now as a day's time-not the past, not the future, but what does today need? What do I need to do today? This helped intensely and brought me back to basic living, where I do not worry so much if I will always be alone, because "always" has not happened yet. Only the part of today gone by has.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 10:33 PM, May 25th (Sunday)]

Williesmom posted 5/25/2014 22:59 PM

It doesn't matter why she did it. Even if she told you tomorrow a list of reasons, it wouldn't be the truth.

It's not about you- she's fucked up.

littlefoggy posted 5/25/2014 23:18 PM

I try to remember the person I miss is not the person he is now. Like Ashland said, 2 people.

The person I married is gone. Way gone. And is replaced by this terrible person. In my case, STBX makes it very easy.

I still miss the person I thought I married. But I am forming new relationships to replace the one that I lost.

NC helps, so much.

Take it second by second. Then minute by minute. Then work up to days. And weeks...

It happens, but you have to feel all the feels along the way. Feel them and deal with them. Heal them. And then you move on.

Brandon808 posted 5/26/2014 08:06 AM

(((killinmesoftly
I know what you're feeling. I went through something similar with a gf who I lived with for 5 years. She ended the relationship without any explanation, without any attempt to fix the issues and without admitting she was cheating.

The other posters are right that the reasons won't matter. Why? Because they're broken reasons from a broken person.

If you're not in IC I would recommend finding one. It helped me and I am continuing to go.