I feel tired of having to carry the emotional baggage around almost everywhere I go. I have pushed so hard, dug real deep, to allow myself to feel everything, but not allow those feelings to control me. I want to be here in the present. So much hard work has gone into change. His change for all the wrong he did. My change for before and after his wrong.
He just doesn't get that I still have dips, triggers, that bring discomfort. When I try to talk about what I'm feeling, he spirals into a self pity party and we end up in emotional duress. We had an amazing week, I had a moment (told him it was my thing and not at all that he is doing something wrong today) and it feels like it all gets lost and forgotten and we start again. If he would only remain calm and not take it personal, the moment remains small.
It's moments like this that I just get tired of dealing with it all. It has been a year since I discovered who he really is and we have worked hard, but we are not finished yet. He has changed the wrong behavior, but that isn't all that needs to be changed. If I am making changes to meet his needs, why can't he do the same for me???
Sometimes I wonder if the shoe were on the other foot, how would all of this feel to him...