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He just doesn't get it...

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April2013 posted 5/25/2014 10:46 AM

I feel tired of having to carry the emotional baggage around almost everywhere I go. I have pushed so hard, dug real deep, to allow myself to feel everything, but not allow those feelings to control me. I want to be here in the present. So much hard work has gone into change. His change for all the wrong he did. My change for before and after his wrong.

He just doesn't get that I still have dips, triggers, that bring discomfort. When I try to talk about what I'm feeling, he spirals into a self pity party and we end up in emotional duress. We had an amazing week, I had a moment (told him it was my thing and not at all that he is doing something wrong today) and it feels like it all gets lost and forgotten and we start again. If he would only remain calm and not take it personal, the moment remains small.

It's moments like this that I just get tired of dealing with it all. It has been a year since I discovered who he really is and we have worked hard, but we are not finished yet. He has changed the wrong behavior, but that isn't all that needs to be changed. If I am making changes to meet his needs, why can't he do the same for me???

Sometimes I wonder if the shoe were on the other foot, how would all of this feel to him...

Skan posted 5/25/2014 12:40 PM

Are you going to IC or MC together? If so, can you address it there? I'm fully in agreement with you. Him going into essentially a pity-party while you need support is just not acceptable. It's ME ME ME behavior and not supportive.

One thing that my FWH and I agreed to a long time ago was that neither of us was allowed to lost it at the same time. So if things went to shit while we were traveling, etc., only one of us could explode the other person had to suck it up and deal and then the 1st person had to dial it back and deal too. We extended that to also mean that only one person could ask for support at a time. If I triggered, it was HIS job to be fully present for me, to give me comfort, to hold me, to do what I needed. And to NOT inflict his pain on me. We could talk about it later, but his job was to be there for me. Period. If he had triggers, if he had pain, he could bring it up to me at a later time, or early on, if I simply could not handle it, he had his IC to talk to. But as soon as I was able to be present for him when his pain overwhelmed him, it was my job to be there for him when he had the need to get it out. And support him.

Are you able to approach him about this while you're both in a good place? Because if he couldn't get the fact that he needed to NOT have his pity partys when you're triggering, then I think the only other recourse is to boot him out of your presence when he starts that and essentially 180 him until he figures out that this tactic isn't going to fly. (((hugs)))

April2013 posted 5/25/2014 12:53 PM

Thank you for your support. We were in regular counseling the first 7 months, but then had to move to another state. It has been a struggle to find a good fit for counseling since we have been here. We start with a new one tomorrow, who uses the IMAGO technique, and we are hopeful that this will be the one. I have gone to an IC regularly, but he travels non stop for work and it complicates scheduling appointments.

I agree, bringing it up at counseling is the best route to take. With a mediator, and especially someone who will tell him where he is "right or wrong," he responds well and can suck it up. No matter when, if it's me and I bring up a current feeling, he feels bad. It just does no help, but instead makes it feel as though I just cannot talk to him. And so starts the cycle of unhealthy patterns all over again.

I am hopeful for that one moment where he finally gets it and we can get past this pattern.

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