[This message edited by sunvalley at 7:22 PM, May 25th (Sunday)]
((Hugs)))
It is very slow over weekends, especially ones with holidays.
Just wanted to say that what you are feeling is normal. Your register date was in March so I am assuming you are early into this process. I don't know your backstory.
There is no way 'around' feeling these things and coping and dealing with the A's and all the anguish and hurt that comes with it. You have to go 'through' it. You are not alone. Are you in IC? I really cannot say enough about how much a good IC helped me sort myself out.
Try to do something nice for yourself today.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
I am seeing an IC, she has been a huge help in allowing me to release my obsessing over the OW. We also see a MC, who is a new one to us as others have let us down. I just feel ripped off still. I feel like I believed so strongly that if you did good things and were a good wife, who provided everything a H could possibly want, this wouldn't happen...it's been a hard dose of reality to realize that there was nothing I could do, because it wasn't about me. I find the hardest challenge is the physical images. I do ok with the rest cause I know they meant nothing to him and he used them, but I cannot erase that he was physical repeatedly with these people for years. I don't just feel ill and disgusted when I trigger, I feel almost an overwhelming anxiety that it's too much and I don't know how to handle it. The mind movies subsided recently, I was starting to feel a little more able to focus on my thoughts and emotions, then boom I get hit by a bad one and I feel like I'm back at square one. I almost feel like avoiding them means I'm downplaying the fact that he was physically involved with 4OW while married, and I can't even get hung up on how many others online that he 'tested the waters with'...it doesn't really matter how many there were to me anymore, cause I know the issue was within him but it's just so hard to block out the physical involvement or feel like the impact of it will ever lessen.
You mentioned your friend losing his wife. There is a big difference. He had no choice. She did not do this to him, her time was over. He grieves for her, but knows what happened is part of life.
An affair has a grieving process. However, it was done intentionally, without regard to their partner. The WS shamelessly did what they wanted to do without worrying about the pain that was being inflected. This is no way, shape or form the same as dying. When the A is over, we must grieve our relationship, our partner's, ourselves and in the end, we are all changed because of it. This was not a natural part of life. The pain is very different. Our former partner is gone, and instead there is a stranger standing in their place....still living and breathing....leaving us to ask why?
Take care of yourself and know that it is normal. I am glad you have an IC, that helped me the most!
feeling this way just makes me feel like Im an entitled princess who cant accept that something bad happened in her life
I know exactly what you mean sunvalley. I sometimes feel almost like a spoilt brat - carrying on-and on-and on-and on, in the face of my husbands remorse and self-loathing.
I think that, at least for a few years, if we are fixated on some aspect of the A and if that aspect comes up again and again, there is a valid reason for that, our minds are processing the trauma of that aspect and we just have to "go with the flow" and experience those emotions and talk it out and whatever else comes naturally (shout and scream if needs be!)
In my experience, certain things have been like a thorn in my side and I have dwelt on them again and again in the last 20+ months, but eventually, I seem to have dealt with those issues and they don't bug me so much anymore. Sometimes, I no sooner finish dealing with one issue and a new one crops up out of the blue... annoying... but it's part of the process.
I think this is only a problem if 5 or so years out we are still ranting and raving about a particular aspect - then I think it would be time for some intense therapy to deal with the underlying issue.
I do't think you sound like an entitled princess at all. I do think it sounds like there is something that you still haven't processed and accepted about the physical contact in the A. Do you feel like you know everything you need to know? Do you have any looming, persistent questions?
Otherwise it may be a matter of having time and processing this pain. When you are in the truck with your WH and maybe family, it may not be the best time to let yourself feel this, so using the calming techniques is a great strategy. But when you are in a safe place, do you give yourself the chance to mourn, grieve, process the trigger? Have you journaled at all? That has helped me process my pain a lot, and to recognize and appreciate the progress that my WH has made.
There is a writing assignment on the web; you can use the link below or search writing to heal: https://www.utexas.edu/features/2005/writing/
The writing assignment suggests that you write about something traumatic and unresolved for 4 consecutive days for a set amount time. I have found that writing and revisiting the A have helped me to accept and process the A.
Be patient and gentle with yourself.
Married for over 15 years 2 beautiful sons
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
Are you doing IC also? That might be helpful for you too. We did both MC and IC. I will tell you the IC did the most for both of us. We did not use the same therapist for IC...we each had a different one. We also had a different therapist for MC. That helped I think.
Hugs being sent to you.
I've been looking for this link for 6 months. thank you!
