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Even the good days feel bad

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sunvalley posted 5/25/2014 19:15 PM

I feel like Im held prisoner of his past. I feel like the last year of my life has been spent piecing together the double life my H was leading. I spend every day whether good or bad unable to detach from the constant reminders and associations to the As. I have no focus on the OW (x4) anymore except disbelief of who they were still. And yet feeling this way just makes me feel like Im an entitled princess who cant accept that something bad happened in her life. We had a good day today. We had a nice busy family day and yet on the way home I was looking at my toes up on the dash of the truck, happy I finally found the time to paint my nails and then I was in a mind movie. I calmed myself using IC techniques and fWH was immediate in noticing my shift into it. He is remorseful as they come, but as others often state its just not enough to undo the pain. It just feels like I can do this, I can move forward with him and the second I get a reminder of the physical involvement of the PAs it just becomes too much and I get an overwhelming sense of I cant do this or its too much. I seem to manage the time spent, the online exchanges and the messaging...those I cope better with but the physical involvement is absolutely suffocating when I trigger. People go through hardships and have worse things happen I am sure, but my feelings of not deserving this and being above all this overwhelm me when I think about what he has done. I try to keep it in perspective, my friend just lost his young wife to cancer this week, and they were so calm and acceptingof reality....why cant I seem to do the same? I dont feel this is healthy for ME anymore. Grieving and remorse is one thing but I do feel Im livikg too much in the past and too focused on how Ive been wronged instead of appreciating the remorse, the attention and the lessons I have the opportunity to learn from. Inmy head Iknow what I can do to grow and learn from this but old habits die hard and I feel a lot of old coping mechanisms taking over.

[This message edited by sunvalley at 7:22 PM, May 25th (Sunday)]

brokensmile322 posted 5/26/2014 06:46 AM



It is very slow over weekends, especially ones with holidays.

Just wanted to say that what you are feeling is normal. Your register date was in March so I am assuming you are early into this process. I don't know your backstory.

There is no way 'around' feeling these things and coping and dealing with the A's and all the anguish and hurt that comes with it. You have to go 'through' it. You are not alone. Are you in IC? I really cannot say enough about how much a good IC helped me sort myself out.

Try to do something nice for yourself today.

lbuzz posted 5/26/2014 07:33 AM

My husband's double life ended about six weeks ago and lasted a few weeks. However, he also did the same thing about 15 years before. The same thing happening again is what is killing me, although it's really everything. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I empathize. I'm tired of just going into misery especially when it would normally be a nice family time. We just got back from a joint family vacation, which I found so stressful because of his affair. I feel a bit like I'm living a double life too because my feelings inside have to be so different inside from what I can express most of the day on the outside. I hate that. I'm going to try IC too as naybe that would help.

sunvalley posted 5/26/2014 11:41 AM

Thank you both. Brokensmile - it's been 10m, I wish I had discovered this site sooner though! Ibuzz - I'm sorry you've had to go through similar, and twice now.

I am seeing an IC, she has been a huge help in allowing me to release my obsessing over the OW. We also see a MC, who is a new one to us as others have let us down. I just feel ripped off still. I feel like I believed so strongly that if you did good things and were a good wife, who provided everything a H could possibly want, this wouldn't's been a hard dose of reality to realize that there was nothing I could do, because it wasn't about me. I find the hardest challenge is the physical images. I do ok with the rest cause I know they meant nothing to him and he used them, but I cannot erase that he was physical repeatedly with these people for years. I don't just feel ill and disgusted when I trigger, I feel almost an overwhelming anxiety that it's too much and I don't know how to handle it. The mind movies subsided recently, I was starting to feel a little more able to focus on my thoughts and emotions, then boom I get hit by a bad one and I feel like I'm back at square one. I almost feel like avoiding them means I'm downplaying the fact that he was physically involved with 4OW while married, and I can't even get hung up on how many others online that he 'tested the waters with' doesn't really matter how many there were to me anymore, cause I know the issue was within him but it's just so hard to block out the physical involvement or feel like the impact of it will ever lessen.

brkn_heartd posted 5/26/2014 21:44 PM

I understand the mind movies and how the good days feel. Honestly, it took me 4 years to really say I had a "happy day" for the entire day. However, I also knew that if I had divorced him it would take me a long time to heal from that too. This is normal, but it sucks. The positive is that your H noticed and responded. That is a huge deal.

You mentioned your friend losing his wife. There is a big difference. He had no choice. She did not do this to him, her time was over. He grieves for her, but knows what happened is part of life.

An affair has a grieving process. However, it was done intentionally, without regard to their partner. The WS shamelessly did what they wanted to do without worrying about the pain that was being inflected. This is no way, shape or form the same as dying. When the A is over, we must grieve our relationship, our partner's, ourselves and in the end, we are all changed because of it. This was not a natural part of life. The pain is very different. Our former partner is gone, and instead there is a stranger standing in their place....still living and breathing....leaving us to ask why?

Take care of yourself and know that it is normal. I am glad you have an IC, that helped me the most!

ItsaClimb posted 5/27/2014 02:10 AM

feeling this way just makes me feel like Im an entitled princess who cant accept that something bad happened in her life

I know exactly what you mean sunvalley. I sometimes feel almost like a spoilt brat - carrying on-and on-and on-and on, in the face of my husbands remorse and self-loathing.

I think that, at least for a few years, if we are fixated on some aspect of the A and if that aspect comes up again and again, there is a valid reason for that, our minds are processing the trauma of that aspect and we just have to "go with the flow" and experience those emotions and talk it out and whatever else comes naturally (shout and scream if needs be!)

In my experience, certain things have been like a thorn in my side and I have dwelt on them again and again in the last 20+ months, but eventually, I seem to have dealt with those issues and they don't bug me so much anymore. Sometimes, I no sooner finish dealing with one issue and a new one crops up out of the blue... annoying... but it's part of the process.

I think this is only a problem if 5 or so years out we are still ranting and raving about a particular aspect - then I think it would be time for some intense therapy to deal with the underlying issue.

foggydays posted 5/27/2014 03:23 AM

sunvalley- I completely understand your post. The cursed mind movies destroy me EVERY bloody time! I will be going along, having a mostly up day, and BAM! They will hit and everything goes down with them. I always feel so guilty that I am fixated on these things when all around me, friends are losing husbands to combat and PTSD and suicides (military community) and I am over here crying because he didn't immediately respond the way I think I deserve to be responded to, etc. etc.
What our heads know, what our hearts know, and where our feet go can ALL be in different directions at times, leaving one feeling stretched too tight, like the skin that forms over pudding left out too long.
Give yourself time, be good to you, you ARE grieving! You are mourning the loss of your marriage as you knew it, but his body is still up and walking about messing with your head!

OnAnIsland posted 5/27/2014 03:35 AM

sun valley,
it sounds like you have made so much progress in accepting and healing yourself from this trauma. and you are only 10 months out! You are strong and brave and are doing a great job.

I do't think you sound like an entitled princess at all. I do think it sounds like there is something that you still haven't processed and accepted about the physical contact in the A. Do you feel like you know everything you need to know? Do you have any looming, persistent questions?

Otherwise it may be a matter of having time and processing this pain. When you are in the truck with your WH and maybe family, it may not be the best time to let yourself feel this, so using the calming techniques is a great strategy. But when you are in a safe place, do you give yourself the chance to mourn, grieve, process the trigger? Have you journaled at all? That has helped me process my pain a lot, and to recognize and appreciate the progress that my WH has made.

There is a writing assignment on the web; you can use the link below or search writing to heal:

The writing assignment suggests that you write about something traumatic and unresolved for 4 consecutive days for a set amount time. I have found that writing and revisiting the A have helped me to accept and process the A.

Be patient and gentle with yourself.

sunvalley posted 5/27/2014 09:54 AM

Thank you all. I'm glad, but not glad, to know I'm not alone. Yes, I do journal and yes I do feel I have all the details (MC thinks perhaps too many). I feel the focus on the PA part of things is because that's all I have to focus on. These were much older, unattractive women he prostituted himself to. WH grew up in a family filled with materialistic views and even though we have money, he has some serious FOO issues surrounding being given gifts for keeping secrets (on top of a lot of additional onion layers to peel!). These OW all paid for the hotels, gas, meals and bought him gifts just to spend time with him plus they fed his non-existent ego with validation and putting him on a pedestal (I'd probably do the same if I had a guy 20yrs younger than me). So ya, I don't have the emotional aspect to dwell on as much because I know he didn't care about them and that just leaves me the physical and while I am disgusted by who he did these things with, I'm also bothered by it still because I just don't get it. I have told him I would 'understand' better (I use understand loosely here as I'll never understand how someone can have an A) if these people were younger and more attractive then me, or wild in bed...but they weren't, so I don't understand what in him would WANT to do this. I guess maybe that's what I'm still so bothered by, is how was sex with old women appealing to him. Even the MC was shocked and said his situation is not the 'norm' which worries me about him I guess.

sunvalley posted 5/27/2014 10:12 AM

oh and I'm not knocking the OW by saying they're unattractive - I just mean to him. I know his type, and I even know what type of girl he would affair down with if he ever chose to go that route(he had a couple offers from 'friends' in the past). I just know that if he wasn't having some serious issues he would not have wasted an ounce of time on these people. He pretended he didn't know them when he was forced to be in public with them. And from his mouth directly he would 'never date them' even if he were single. It bothers me still that he could waste our M for people he feels so little for...people he wasn't even interested in physically. But even saying that doesn't get rid of the sick feeling I get when I get stuck on the PAs, so I guess I have some digging to do still.

brkn_heartd posted 5/27/2014 21:31 PM

Your story is not the typical story...however the feelings of betrayal don't change. Obviously your husband could benefit from Individual Counseling. He has some issues he needs to work out.

Are you doing IC also? That might be helpful for you too. We did both MC and IC. I will tell you the IC did the most for both of us. We did not use the same therapist for IC...we each had a different one. We also had a different therapist for MC. That helped I think.

Hugs being sent to you.

sunvalley posted 5/27/2014 22:37 PM

thank you. Yes we both have an IC of our own and mine has been very helpful...IMO he's had bad luck in finding a good one yet. First guy was the perfect IC for someone in the fog still, thankfully WH was disgusted by this and booked with another. He's had some good sessions with another, but she felt there was no more she could do for him and referred to a psychiatrist. Our MC asked to see him separately for a few sessions as well, which I appreciated even though I know many disagree with this method. I felt it was necessary in our case to get all the background info out without me having to sit through it yet again, and am happy she asked to do this. She didn't want to waste my time in MC going through the background FOO and core beliefs issues she felt she needed to address with him, for understanding of how he ended up in the As. I think maybe cause I told her I was sick about talking about them to some degree, she sensed it would be better to get to the bottom of his 'whys' without me there and I agree...I want MC to be about the M, not all his background issues and at least she is willing to spend the time on both. I understand that, and we will see how it goes as she is a new one. I will continue with my IC and she encourages me to bring certain things up with her, so that works too - she's not trying to go against my IC in any way.

rachelc posted 5/28/2014 05:59 AM

There is a writing assignment on the web; you can use the link below or search writing to heal:

I've been looking for this link for 6 months. thank you!

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