Sorry, but it sound to me as if your gut is not lying to you. There is a link on the upper left hand side of these pages called the healing library which i suggest you go into and read as much as you can.
I hear you when you say your embarrassed about this but, you may be surprised with friends and family when you do tell them how supportive they are. I know i was. If this leads to divorce you'll have to tell them anyway. Regardless you can always talk to us and get some support.
Weekends are slow here but let me assure you that more support is coming.
I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. You have NOTHING to be embarrased or ashamed about. You should be able to tell the people who love and support you. They may not understand, not having been in your shoes, but they should be there for you.
YOU didn't cause this. You deserve love and support.
Sending you big hugs and strength.
I wasted no time in telling my friends and family and I will tell you, I was (and still am) completely amazed at the amount of support I have received from everyone!!! Don't be afraid to reach out for support IRL (in real life).
Your feelings are normal, but you must take care of yourself. Eat, drink water, and sleep when you can. Read the healing library (in the upper left hand corner in the yellow box) and keep posting here. We're all here for you.
Many, many hugs and prayers to you for strength for you.
You can see more of my story on my blog here: http://thatcraftylunchlady.com/?p=833
"Never give up hope and let time heal you"
We also at times need to rely on those close to us who know where we are - and know where we have been. Your best friend could be a great source of understanding and relief for you right now. Please do not discount the power of having someone to stand beside you through this.
Though I maybe new to this type of hardship and pain - and also new to this web-site - I am not new to on-line support groups in general. I have assisted many people over time dealing with different hardship and issues. Unfortunately - this is different. This is a time when I need help. As much as I may have been able to help others in the past - I cannot help myself much right now. This hurts too much.
Someone recently told me there is nothing wrong in asking for help. If I can do it - I am sure you can do it as well. We all deserve the chance and opportunity to recover as best we can - and as fast as we are able to.
Please give yourself a chance and speak to your best friend.
I would do the same if I could - unfortunately the woman who placed me here was my best friend.
When my WW told me it took me almost 3 months to stop crying. I could barley pick myself up off the floor. The pain was so excrutiating. It feels like you';re being torn in half. DO NOT go through this by yourself. You need to buld a network. A best friend, a family member or 2, a pastor, counselor, here. This shit is really fricking aweful and the more support you attain the better your healing will progress.
When did you find out??? I am sorry to tell you your H is a liar. Believe nothing. If they are willing to betray ur M vows then lying about sex and anything else becomes easy.
Stay online with us. Post often and about anything on your mind. Read these forums and learn. If you connect with another poster then reach out a private message for support. I am so grateful for the support here. You will be too.
How long have you been married ? How long was he in school (that you paid for) ? How long ago did he begin working in that field ? Is he making a decent salary or are you the main income producer ? If you divorce, will his currently lifestyle change dramatically ?
If you have not seen a lawyer, you need to see one immediately. Find out where you stand when it comes to a divorce. Hopefully, you have paper proof or screen shot proof or whatever of the sites your wh has been visiting. If not, get it and keep it somewhere for which he has no access. Also, if you could find receipts or charges for the hookers (if he's on the sites, it's likely he's meeting up with one or more). Be sure you have documentation of paying his tuition & expenses.
I wouldn't recommend telling his sister…. she'll likely stick with her brother. Do you have a close friend you can talk with ? I did tell a couple close friends and they were my lifeline to sanity. I never would have survived this horror show if not for their constant and continued support. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't cheat. You didn't lie. You didn't betray him. So don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. What was kind of interesting is that when xh and I separated and I did tell friends what had happened, other betrayed spouses came out of the woodwork ! I had even more support from them. Even now, years later, they still check in / check up on me. You may find more support than you can imagine.
OH - and stop talking with him about anything personal. Don't ask questions like, 'why don't you like me.' Ignore him. Get angry. Protect yourself and be totally UN-interested in anything he's doing.
There is life after this storm. Without all the drama, it's often even peaceful !
I can understand where you are coming from with a new marriage. I found out 2.5 years in that he had been cheating for the last 3.5. Yep, most of our engagement, too. Why bother proposing to someone if you are about to start sleeping with someone else?!? I will never fully understand how someone could do something so horrible. If you just found out then the pain you are experiencing is totally normal. It is like surviving a major trauma. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and just getting dressed, going to work, and not having a complete break down until I got home later that night took all of my energy. Things like going to the grocery store and actually coming home with food seemed impossible. Try to take care of yourself during this time. Detach from him as much as possible. He isn't being remorseful and is not ready to do the work needed to mend your relationship right now. That doesn't mean you have to divorce him tomorrow, but it does mean that talking to him about whys and hows and such will only cause more pain. Read in the Healing Library about the 180 and DO IT. Do it now! You should try to find someone IRL you can trust to talk about this. For me I told my sister and the priest who married us and my therapist (had been our MC...he lied to her, too!). That was it for a long time. Pretending is hard, but you should keep in mind that telling people can have different results than you might expect and you can't un-tell someone. Do NOT tell his sister right now. Blood is much thicker than water. I told his mom (only after I decided to file for D) and she basically excused it and made it sound like it was my fault. HA. But, it really hurt and it still hurts me today. Keep posting, reach out, and don't talk to him. Don't do the "wifely duties". He isn't doing anything to keep you as his wife right now, so don't do it. Take care of yourself. I agree with the above person about seeing an attorney. Knowledge is power. I talked to one about a month after d-day and it was the first time I felt any kind of control over the situation. Stay with us. You can do this.
Keep posting and you will not be ALONE! Everyone who responds to you has experienced some if not all of what you are going through. Just look at some of the threads on JFO and the hundreds of posts they have gotten from people trying to help.
You should NOT be humiliated. No one is immune to have this happening to them. Go to JFO and read the long thread to "newbies"
You need to focus on yourself and try to stay off drugs or alcohol. Use this board as a way to help you cope. You will get good advice. The more details you give people the more they can understand the specifics to your situation. No one's is exactly the same.
hang in there. it will get better.
Secondly, there's NOTHING for you to be embarrassed or ashamed about. You did nothing wrong. He did you wrong and he should be the one embarrassed to not have been man enough to not only tell you the truth but man enough to have control and commitment for your relationship. He is nothing but a user, a leech and he's the one that should be embarrassed that he still hasn't matured/grown enough to handle his own responsibility.
Talk to your friends. This will also be a good opportunity to see who your true friends are. You need to talk to someone and it'll make you feel better and hopefully more empowered to buck up and get his sorry ass out of your place. You owe him nothing.