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SoftCocoa posted 5/25/2014 20:12 PM

I have no one to talk to. I can't tell my friends or family. Im miserable. I found on our cell phone bill where my husband has been texting escorts, on online dating sites. He claims he didn't cheat. I don't believe him. He broke my heart when he sent a picture of his penis to someone else. We don't have sex anymore but maybe 1 a week. Im tired i have told him I want a separation but he hasn't left. Im so broken, I had a miscarriage a year ago. I have accepted the fact that he is no longer attracted to me or if he ever was, I have accepted the fact that he probably just married me to use me for a place to live. I've asked him about it and I get no answer from him. I wish I could tell my best friend about all this but I am so embarrassed and ashamed. All i can do is pray. Im so tired of crying. I have no one to talk too

K Phantom posted 5/25/2014 20:35 PM

Hi Soft and welcome to the club no one wants to join.

Sorry, but it sound to me as if your gut is not lying to you. There is a link on the upper left hand side of these pages called the healing library which i suggest you go into and read as much as you can.

I hear you when you say your embarrassed about this but, you may be surprised with friends and family when you do tell them how supportive they are. I know i was. If this leads to divorce you'll have to tell them anyway. Regardless you can always talk to us and get some support.

Weekends are slow here but let me assure you that more support is coming.

Jrazz posted 5/25/2014 20:41 PM

Welcome to SI, SoftCocoa. We are here for you. The weekends are a little quiet, but things pick up during the week.

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. You have NOTHING to be embarrased or ashamed about. You should be able to tell the people who love and support you. They may not understand, not having been in your shoes, but they should be there for you.

YOU didn't cause this. You deserve love and support.

Sending you big hugs and strength.


LeftOutintheCold posted 5/25/2014 21:29 PM

SoftCocoa - so sorry you are here and hurting! The first thing I must tell you is that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. You have done nothing wrong. I totally get how you're feeling because I felt it too, but I quickly learned, this betrayal is not a reflection on me as a person. It is a reflection on the cheater - THEY are the one with a problem and the one who needs to be embarrassed by their actions.

I wasted no time in telling my friends and family and I will tell you, I was (and still am) completely amazed at the amount of support I have received from everyone!!! Don't be afraid to reach out for support IRL (in real life).

Your feelings are normal, but you must take care of yourself. Eat, drink water, and sleep when you can. Read the healing library (in the upper left hand corner in the yellow box) and keep posting here. We're all here for you.

Many, many hugs and prayers to you for strength for you.

BlackHorse posted 5/25/2014 22:37 PM

Sometimes we experience truly painful events in our lives when we need to find assistance to help ourselves in anyway we can. You sought out an on-line support group in the hopes of finding a way to come to terms somehow with what has happened and how you are feeling.

We also at times need to rely on those close to us who know where we are - and know where we have been. Your best friend could be a great source of understanding and relief for you right now. Please do not discount the power of having someone to stand beside you through this.

Though I maybe new to this type of hardship and pain - and also new to this web-site - I am not new to on-line support groups in general. I have assisted many people over time dealing with different hardship and issues. Unfortunately - this is different. This is a time when I need help. As much as I may have been able to help others in the past - I cannot help myself much right now. This hurts too much.

Someone recently told me there is nothing wrong in asking for help. If I can do it - I am sure you can do it as well. We all deserve the chance and opportunity to recover as best we can - and as fast as we are able to.

Please give yourself a chance and speak to your best friend.

I would do the same if I could - unfortunately the woman who placed me here was my best friend.

- BlackHorse.

jjsr posted 5/25/2014 22:43 PM

First I am so sorry. I want to tell you, you have nothing to be ashamed about. You didn't do anything wrong. If you feel like you cant talk to your friend go to your local county health dept. They have people there or they could give you leads on someone to talk to. Sometimes they take payment on a sliding scale. You need someone to help you deal with this so you can make the right choices for yourself.

justinpaintoday posted 5/25/2014 22:52 PM

Soft: You are no longer alone...this group is amazing!!! This is the island of emotional misfit toys. We have all been kicked and betrayed and have felt alone and worthless. But dear lady YOU ARE NOT alone. Feeling like your whole world is crashing down is absolutely a normal response to the betrayal you have received. It's call shattering.

When my WW told me it took me almost 3 months to stop crying. I could barley pick myself up off the floor. The pain was so excrutiating. It feels like you';re being torn in half. DO NOT go through this by yourself. You need to buld a network. A best friend, a family member or 2, a pastor, counselor, here. This shit is really fricking aweful and the more support you attain the better your healing will progress.

When did you find out??? I am sorry to tell you your H is a liar. Believe nothing. If they are willing to betray ur M vows then lying about sex and anything else becomes easy.

Stay online with us. Post often and about anything on your mind. Read these forums and learn. If you connect with another poster then reach out a private message for support. I am so grateful for the support here. You will be too.

Gotmegood posted 5/25/2014 23:19 PM

Cocoa- I'm sorry for your predicament and your pain. Listen, I completely understand your isolation and you immediate reaction of humiliation and shame. I felt the very same when I found the text on my WH's phone from a skanky prostitute. But you know what I've come to grips with, 9 months later? HE is the one who did that, went there, behaved badly, chose unwisely, risked being infected w/ venereal diseases, broke a valuable trust, lied, and cheated. Not me.
You may never feel safe enough to share this with friends or family, I don't know your relationships; but I do know that you should, and will in time, get a better handle on who's issue this is.....who needs to do some serious self-reflecting, intellectually and morally.....HIM. You will find tons of support here.

Ostrich80 posted 5/26/2014 03:19 AM

There's always someone to talk to on this site. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your friend. Please listen to all of us when we say, you have not done anything to be embarrassed about, he has. He didn't cheat because your a bad wife or unattractive, or too fat, too skinny..whatever, he did it because HE is broken. His poor choices are not a reflection on you.
Post as much as you need, we are a pretty nice bunch who have all been hurt by the one we love. Welcome SoftCocoa

SoftCocoa posted 5/27/2014 19:56 PM

Thank you every one. Now today he has the nerve to be rude and hateful toward me. I told him I can't do this anymore and I got no response from him once again. I asked him why does he not like me, no response. I can't live like this. I would leave but this is my house. I had it before we even met. The more I think about everything the madder I get. He came into the lap of luxury. I had already bought the house, car paid off, stable job, no crazy ex. I supported him while he went back to Technical school and graduated. He has some nerve. I am so tired of crying. I don't want to cry anymore but the tears keep coming. I have to take either a benadryl or zquil to go to sleep. Since him and his sister are oh so close I wonder what she would think if I told her what her precious brother has been doing. I think I am going into some form of depression. It takes all my energy just to get dressed and go to work everyday. When I get home i don't feel like cleaning or cooking. All I want to do is sleep. Why should I do any wifey duties if he can't be a husband to me. I wonder if I had the miscarriage because of him.

LifeIsBroken posted 5/27/2014 20:41 PM

First, so sad you are here - that ANY of us are here, for that matter - but you're in a good place for support.

How long have you been married ? How long was he in school (that you paid for) ? How long ago did he begin working in that field ? Is he making a decent salary or are you the main income producer ? If you divorce, will his currently lifestyle change dramatically ?

If you have not seen a lawyer, you need to see one immediately. Find out where you stand when it comes to a divorce. Hopefully, you have paper proof or screen shot proof or whatever of the sites your wh has been visiting. If not, get it and keep it somewhere for which he has no access. Also, if you could find receipts or charges for the hookers (if he's on the sites, it's likely he's meeting up with one or more). Be sure you have documentation of paying his tuition & expenses.

I wouldn't recommend telling his sister…. she'll likely stick with her brother. Do you have a close friend you can talk with ? I did tell a couple close friends and they were my lifeline to sanity. I never would have survived this horror show if not for their constant and continued support. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't cheat. You didn't lie. You didn't betray him. So don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. What was kind of interesting is that when xh and I separated and I did tell friends what had happened, other betrayed spouses came out of the woodwork ! I had even more support from them. Even now, years later, they still check in / check up on me. You may find more support than you can imagine.

OH - and stop talking with him about anything personal. Don't ask questions like, 'why don't you like me.' Ignore him. Get angry. Protect yourself and be totally UN-interested in anything he's doing.

There is life after this storm. Without all the drama, it's often even peaceful !

badmedicine posted 5/31/2014 23:04 PM

Hi SoftCocoa,

I can understand where you are coming from with a new marriage. I found out 2.5 years in that he had been cheating for the last 3.5. Yep, most of our engagement, too. Why bother proposing to someone if you are about to start sleeping with someone else?!? I will never fully understand how someone could do something so horrible. If you just found out then the pain you are experiencing is totally normal. It is like surviving a major trauma. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and just getting dressed, going to work, and not having a complete break down until I got home later that night took all of my energy. Things like going to the grocery store and actually coming home with food seemed impossible. Try to take care of yourself during this time. Detach from him as much as possible. He isn't being remorseful and is not ready to do the work needed to mend your relationship right now. That doesn't mean you have to divorce him tomorrow, but it does mean that talking to him about whys and hows and such will only cause more pain. Read in the Healing Library about the 180 and DO IT. Do it now! You should try to find someone IRL you can trust to talk about this. For me I told my sister and the priest who married us and my therapist (had been our MC...he lied to her, too!). That was it for a long time. Pretending is hard, but you should keep in mind that telling people can have different results than you might expect and you can't un-tell someone. Do NOT tell his sister right now. Blood is much thicker than water. I told his mom (only after I decided to file for D) and she basically excused it and made it sound like it was my fault. HA. But, it really hurt and it still hurts me today. Keep posting, reach out, and don't talk to him. Don't do the "wifely duties". He isn't doing anything to keep you as his wife right now, so don't do it. Take care of yourself. I agree with the above person about seeing an attorney. Knowledge is power. I talked to one about a month after d-day and it was the first time I felt any kind of control over the situation. Stay with us. You can do this.

mightsurvive posted 6/1/2014 08:14 AM

Can you see a doctor? In this tough time it really helps to get on an antidepressant even if it's just fit a few months. Also if he won't leave and you truly can't live like this do the 180 and start the D process. Focus on you and take back control. Stop giving him the power as you do when you ask him what he wants.

Be strong

emptiness2014 posted 6/1/2014 08:15 AM

Find just one person you can tell. I promise, it seems embarrassing at first. But the only person that should be embarrassed and ashamed is your husband. I read somewhere "keep telling your story and eventually it becomes just a story". It's so hard, I know. But it really does feel better to tell someone you trust. I did it by text at first, because it was hard to say those words.

Badhurt posted 6/1/2014 08:43 AM

Soft Cocoa,

Keep posting and you will not be ALONE! Everyone who responds to you has experienced some if not all of what you are going through. Just look at some of the threads on JFO and the hundreds of posts they have gotten from people trying to help.

You should NOT be humiliated. No one is immune to have this happening to them. Go to JFO and read the long thread to "newbies"

You need to focus on yourself and try to stay off drugs or alcohol. Use this board as a way to help you cope. You will get good advice. The more details you give people the more they can understand the specifics to your situation. No one's is exactly the same.

hang in there. it will get better.

Losconang15 posted 6/1/2014 09:03 AM

I haven't been able to read all the previous posts. But first off let me say I'm sorry you find yourself here. It's a great place with support although I'm sure no one wanted to be here.

Secondly, there's NOTHING for you to be embarrassed or ashamed about. You did nothing wrong. He did you wrong and he should be the one embarrassed to not have been man enough to not only tell you the truth but man enough to have control and commitment for your relationship. He is nothing but a user, a leech and he's the one that should be embarrassed that he still hasn't matured/grown enough to handle his own responsibility.

Talk to your friends. This will also be a good opportunity to see who your true friends are. You need to talk to someone and it'll make you feel better and hopefully more empowered to buck up and get his sorry ass out of your place. You owe him nothing.

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