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Newest Member: Thefighter (60790)

User Topic: Infidelity as abuse?-WS welcome
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I read an article (and I really cannot remember where, sorry-will try to relocate it) referring to infidelity as a form of abuse. It said that the gaslighting, blameshifting, and the overall acts of betrayal are abuse to the BS. I see the points, sadly. I am not trying to beat anyone up here, but just wondering what others think of this?

Me FBS around 40
Him FWS early 40s (lovemywife4ever)
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
"Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last" - MLK Jr

Posts: 2184 | Registered: Dec 2013
♂ 38303
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For sure.

Posts: 5172 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: North of Chicago, Illinois
Darkness Falls
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. It is abusive.

WS, 5-month EA/PA '09-'10

Divorced from (2010) and remarried to (2014) XBH

1 1/2-year-old daughter and another baby girl on the way

Posts: 4312 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ABSOLUTELY!!! It is a form of emotional manipulation against the best interest of the BS. It is abuse.

I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 37933
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gaslighting is always a form of abuse. I only *kind of* knew that because I experienced it, but it is covered in Lundy Bancroft's book, which I love.

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 43221
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mental abuse for sure....

3 adult children 1D 2S
LTA 2010-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful

" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now." R.R

Posts: 2485 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way my ws handled his A was most definitely abusive to doubt. I really though I was going crazy and he not only made me feel that way but he benefited from it. How do you Do this to a person your supposed to love. His treatment of me was more hurtful than the A itself.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 41441
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent time in a shelter and they give you a pamphlet that describes 8 forms of abuse pictured as a "wheel". 4 of the items are often used by WS's:
1-using coercion & threats
2-using intimidation
3-using emotional abuse
4-mimizing, denying & blaming
The fact that they chose to conceal & blame the BS instead of immediately stopping the A shows they used these forms of abuse. So yes they were also abusive.

Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 460 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: SWFL
♂ 41294
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I certainly found it abusive. But more than the Affair itself, I found the NPD-ish refusal to repent and turning sorrow into anger and vituperations towards me instead tremendously abusive.

At least some researchers also call it a form of domestic violence.


research found that common characteristics of abuse and infidelity include:

- The Recurring Cycle. As with domestic violence, infidelity can become an ongoing feature of some relationships.

- Similar Phases. Ongoing infidelity sometimes follows a path similar to the well-documented domestic abuse cycle. A typical cycle might include a tension build-up phase, the infliction of pain, a brief period of remorse and guilt and then the reconciliation phase, followed by a return to tension build-up.

- Apparent Indifference of the Betraying Partner. Apart from brief periods of guilt and remorse after critical incidents of abuse or infidelity, the betrayers/abusers tend to be insensitive to the pain and distress they inflict on their partners. They often continue their infidelity or abuse without accepting responsibility for the anguish they cause.

- Similarity of the Responses of the Injured Parties. Those who stay for significant periods of time with partners who are unfaithful, often display the same psychological and social symptoms exhibited by victims of systematic abuse. Some of these symptoms include:

- deep personal suffering - low self-esteem and a sense of worthlessness - a sense of helplessness and a lack of control over their lives - a dependency on the betraying partner and a need for their approval and - a distorted sense of reality in which they can begin to believe that their partner's infidelity is their own fault.

In the case of Joanne, for example, over time she began to question what she had done to make her husband want another woman. She concluded she was worthless and unattractive. She blamed herself for being jealous and possessive. She tortured herself to the point where, she said, she thought she would go mad. She had lost sight of the simple reality that George's infidelity was both his choice and a breach of their mutual commitment.

- Breaking the Cycle. Behaviour patterns established by partners in abuse and infidelity situations can be difficult to change. Like domestic violence, unfaithful behaviour does not often cease of its own accord, but calls for definitive action on the part of either the perpetrator, the affected party or both.

Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
XBH and healing. D final March 2016
Her: Doesn't matter anymore.
DS13 Severe SN. DD11 Awesome

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
♀ 43525
Member # 43525
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It certainly feels like it has the impact of abuse. I'm actually a counselor (substance abuse) irl, and work with victims of domestic violence. In the last few weeks, I've been doing a strong personal inventory and realizing that many of the things that have kept me here are the same type of emotional struggles those victims have. The loss of self esteem, anxiety over behaviors which are usually signs of him straying, and the minimizing his behaviors are the strongest of those emotional changes I have seen in myself.
And I can definitely see the pattern similarities. I had actually never thought of it that way, but it does seem like a logical definition.

Me: BW 39
Him: STBXWH 47
Married 10 years
2 sons, 14 and 9
DDays 2004,2008,2012 and 5/8/14

Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


No one else has mentioned physical abuse. you dont have to be hit to be physically abused. WH had unprotected sex with a stranger, then had unprotected sex with me the very next day. I would not have given him my body had I known he was endangering my life. What he did could have resulted in an STD that could have killed me. It was a very known, very high risk. And he took it.

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 37725
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It certainly felt like abuse to me.

In one of our early discussions, I told my FWH that it would have been less painful (and perhaps even more honest) if he had just beaten me black and blue, given the emotional pain that resulted from the A.

Me: BW, age 69
Him: WH, age 67
Married 22 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 497 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ 40032
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes its abuse. Physical abuse as well since BS is exposed to risks of stds and other diseases without their knowledge or consent. I firmly believe adultery should be classified as a form of domestic abuse and that we should have the option of charging our spouses and AP.

This would have deterred my fWH if it were considered a domestic abuse crime. This would help people realize how serious and dangerous adultery really is. I also believe that this would help minimize violence related to jealous wife or husband rage because they would have a way to get justice and restitution. Currently the adulterer gets to destroy the lives of their spouses or family without any true consequences. We are being socially conditioned to minimize the fallout which does and will continue to have dire consequences for our society.

[This message edited by whattheh at 10:06 AM, May 26th (Monday)]

M 35+ False R 2013-15 True R 2016-present. Online cheating, IRL cheating which all started with porn compulsion and ERD supplements
2 PA 2 ONS. Cheating 2009-12 Stalker MOW 2011-present

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 13

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