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User Topic: The common denominator is me...
TXMommy
♀ 28857
Member # 28857
Question  Posted: 11:17 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've only been in two major relationships in my life. The first was my highschool sweetheart. He was anything but a sweetheart, and it wasn't a healthy relationship. We were together from the time I was a sophomore, until I was 22... Were engaged, and 5 days before the wedding I find out he's been cheating on me . Definitely a blessing in disguise, but it was a traumatic experience to say the least.
The other is my WH, and that story is in my profile.
So, I can't help but feel there must be something wrong. I'm hesitant to write that there must be something wrong with ME, because there isn't anything I can think of that would be wrong enough for the only men I've ever loved to have cheated on me. Something I need to fix, something I could have done better, though? I know the blame is not mine. They made their choices. Still, the common denominator is me.


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Trudging through R.

Posts: 593 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
MovingUpward
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you're right that you aren't to be blaming yourself. They made their own choices. You can look at why you picked those two guys. You can look back and try to find the red flags that you missed. You can see if there were place where maybe counseling would have helped. The best that you can do with this is to make it a learning experience so as to not repeat it. So (((hugs))) dust yourself off and do some introspection.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 53322 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
justinpaintoday
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. Your picker might need a little work...sometimes we do attract a certain type of individual. Sometimes we may not have clear healthy boundries. Regardless the A are not your fault...but it's a great time to explore yourself and learn.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first time you were basically a child.
The second time around- well, we've all been there. There may have been missed red flags or not, but I bet you're more aware now.

In both cases, though, THEY made the choice to cheat. That fault lies with them.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6736 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
MissMovingOn
♀ 30720
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a total meltdown with my first therapist after DDay #3 (with current WH) over a similar question - What was wrong with ME that cheaters kept picking me? I hadn't had one "serious" relationship in my life that didn't end because of infidelity. Then the light bulb went on and I realized that it wasn't something wrong with me that was making them pick me it was something wrong with me that was making me pick them. My picker was broken. And after thousands of dollars of therapy I'm starting to understand why.


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
FINAL FINAL DDay - August 8, 2014. I AM DONE!

Posts: 420 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
Bobbi_sue
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both of my husbands cheated on me. There was nothing wrong with me nor was my "picker broken." We have to face the facts in the world we live in, cheating is rampant. The chances of being cheated on are great, even in a new relationship or marriage, after being cheated on in a past relationship or marriage.

I will say when I discovered that my current H had also cheated, I really did not have lasting thoughts there was "something wrong with me." Instead, I was thinking that "all men are horrible pigs and they are all cheaters." Of course that is not true either but in those early days, that was closer to my thought process.

I think saying our picker is broken has a bit of tendency to still claim the BS has more control than they do in most cases. You can pick well, but with time and circumstances in the future, you can't predict what might happen. It is a hard truth to swallow, but this is how I see it.


Posts: 5791 | Registered: Apr 2006
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TXMommy,

I'm in the same boat as you. I was engaged at 18, (knew him since I was 13) dated at 16. Engaged at 18- he cheated, OW called to tell me.

It took me 4 years to trust enough to let someone in. We married 3 years later. Had 6 pregnancies-4 surviving kids and 16 years together before I suspected anything was wrong. I had all the disrespect I could tolerate and told him to go to his parents for a week. We divorced 6 months later.

A year later I met a nice guy who's wife betrayed him, we were together 8 years when he admitted to an affair.

It IS my picker.

I never stopped dating. I have always been faithful dating one guy at a time. BUT I've never taken the time to rebalance myself by getting right with me. I always tried to do it while dating. The closest I came to being happy with myself was before I married XH. He turned out to be NPD - so what do I know!

In hindsight I can see that XH and XSO were both recently out of long term relationships when we started dating. I'm trying to find patterns so I can adjust my boundaries and narrow the choices for my picker.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5742 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
TXMommy
♀ 28857
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, y'all. I really appreciate the perspectives.
Even if my "picker" is off, and it very well may be… I'm still married to WH, and it doesn't change the fact that I'm pretty sure I married the wrong person.
That being said, due to many reasons, I'm not going to be divorcing. I guess I need to figure out my issues.
I know I probably need IC, but I don't even know where to begin to find someone I'm comfortable with. I went to IC once when I was in college. It was a terrible experience.

My jerk XF is definitely NPD. No doubt about it. I didn't even know what that was until after WH cheated and I found SI. I read about NPD, and it was JXF to a T.
WH isn't NPD… he is very selfish, though. There isn't anything I can do about that.


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Trudging through R.

Posts: 593 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
LeftOutintheCold
♀ 42856
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've actually been playing with this thought too. I'm currently in my second marriage. My first marriage also ended because of infidelity on his part. We were high school sweethearts and we were each others first everything. He joined the military, we had a baby, and bills got overwhelming. I moved back stateside while he eventually moved in with a German woman and thought he was going to keep it secret from me. Didn't fly. I divorced him, no questions, no debates. I left Germany a married woman and when I saw him again, we were divorced. I have also learned since then that he is a classic case of NPD.

It took me ten years after that divorce before I could feel like I could trust again and found my current WH. He is/was so unlike my first H that I often said my first marriage was just a test and that I had a REAL marriage with this man. Unfortunately, this marriage ended with infidelity too.

There must be something within me that leads me to broken men. This is something I must work on figuring out too.

Good luck (TXMommy) and thanks for bringing this topic up!!


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raising hand here-----I am also in this club.

I caught my first WH (10 year marriage, no kids)
in the act in our marital bed-----that ended that marriage. BTW, he went on to become a serial cheater, married several times after me & cheated on all of them.

I married my current WH (#2) because he presented himself to be the most honorable man I had ever met, with very high moral standards.
I was purposely looking for someone different from WH #1.
In fact, there were many things I was not happy about in this current marriage
(for example: where we lived, WH#2's FOO,which I compromised on because I thought current WH was worth the sacrifice, etc.)
that I put up with because I kept telling myself, "OK, I'm not happy with this specific thing, but at least he would never cheat on me."
Boy was I wrong.

I now realize that I never resolved some of the damage my self-esteem sustained from the first infidelity.
However, I have to agree with Bobbi_sue on this one.

You can pick well, but with time and circumstances in the future, you can't predict what might happen.

We have to face the facts in the world we live in, cheating is rampant. The chances of being cheated on are great, even in a new relationship or marriage, after being cheated on in a past relationship or marriage.


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 10

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