The truth is, I am leaning more and more toward leaving my WH . He has been a model remorseful spouse, but the more I come to terms with it and work through my shock, the more I feel that I don't want to be with someone who has done this.
I believe he was suffering depression, and he has definite FOO issues, but these factors to me are not a good enough reason for his poor choices. Yes he is broken, but he wasn't brain damaged and was aware of the choices he was making……I mean is this whole 'broken person' thing just a really good way for us BS to justify that our wondering spouse had something 'wrong' with them, which ultimately pushed them to make a poor choice??? I don't buy it at all.
Sorry if I sound like I am rambling, but does or has anyone else felt this way? I think ultimately, i feel that staying with him means I have no self worth and I will tolerate being treated this way. I am so conflicted and it is driving me nuts!! Aaaaggghhh
[This message edited by devasted30 at 5:04 AM, May 26th (Monday)]
And yes, I'm fed up with the nonsense about how cheating MUST be the result of something from one's childhood or something from young adulthood and that's why they did it and blah blah blah. I think most of that crap is psycho-babble. For some odd reason, everyone always wants to put a label on it rather than just admitting that sometimes, it's nothing more than plain old selfish, asshole behavior - and NOTHING more.
Someone must be a 'sex addict' if they're a serial cheater or cat around. One must be 'addicted to porn' because they watch porn. Talk about over the top.
My ex-H from 25 years ago was the biggest skirt chaser on the planet and took any opportunity that fell in his lap. He was one of 7 kids and the rest of the siblings didn't act like him and have enjoyed longtime, successful marriages. They all grew up in the same house with the same parents and the same circumstances, yet my ex-H seems to be the only one of them who wanted to be led around by his genitals.
Shall we blame that on "FOO" issues? Funny how none of the other 6 kids - who grew up right along side him - ever behaved like that.
There's a label for his behavior, alright. It's called 'ass-hattery.'
Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.
Marionwendy - I am sorry that you too are in this position, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!! Who are these men we married? Can't believe I have shared so much with him for so long, and never actually REALLY knew him
Please keep the derogatory names out of the Reconciliation forum.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
...i feel that staying with him means I have no self worth....
Your self-worth (and everyone else's) comes from within and is largely independent of what you do. It took me a long while to get my sense of self back, but I feel good about myself, even though I chose R.
The key is to figure out what you want. Since your H is remorseful, both R & D (and waiting) are open to you, so you can choose either outcome and hold your head high. You can choose either outcome and again feel great about yourself.
It looks like you're less than a year out, so uncertainty could even be a good thing for now.
I think the best route to finding the best outcome for you is, again, to focus on what you want and then go for it.
FOO issues, depression, etc., don't excuse cheating. How a WS reacts after D-Day can influence your decision, though. Immediately taking responsibility and working to resolve issues that supporting the A probably tend to show that the WS won't cheat again.
FOO issues, the fog, brokenness - may be explanations, but that doesn't mean you have to cut your WS any slack.
[This message edited by sisoon at 10:24 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)]
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
I'm trying to give it 6-12 months before making that decision like they say.
I loved him SO much, I held him on a pedestal.
I feel like I will never love him that way again. I am trying to figure out if he is worth any of my love anymore (besides being the father to my children).
I'm hoping counseling helps. (((hugs)))
Together 13 years, married for 8
I knew from the first that my husband was worth staying with. He made a horrible decision and he has paid dearly for it, but he was definitely worth keeping.
That is what you will need to decide. Is he worth keeping. The general wisdom on this board is that it takes two to five years to heal and that is the truth as terrible as it sounds.
No matter what you decide, you will get all of the support that you need from all of these grand people suffering the same pain as you. Hugs.