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Strugglestreet posted 5/26/2014 01:57 AM

When I first found out about my WH's A (a little over a year ago), all I wanted to do was save my marriage and keep my family intact. As the months have gone by, I have ridden the dreaded roller coaster, but kept holding on with the hope that I would get past this betrayal.

The truth is, I am leaning more and more toward leaving my WH . He has been a model remorseful spouse, but the more I come to terms with it and work through my shock, the more I feel that I don't want to be with someone who has done this.

I believe he was suffering depression, and he has definite FOO issues, but these factors to me are not a good enough reason for his poor choices. Yes he is broken, but he wasn't brain damaged and was aware of the choices he was making……I mean is this whole 'broken person' thing just a really good way for us BS to justify that our wondering spouse had something 'wrong' with them, which ultimately pushed them to make a poor choice??? I don't buy it at all.

Sorry if I sound like I am rambling, but does or has anyone else felt this way? I think ultimately, i feel that staying with him means I have no self worth and I will tolerate being treated this way. I am so conflicted and it is driving me nuts!! Aaaaggghhh

TheWrongedMan posted 5/26/2014 04:37 AM

Hi, I know exactly how you feel - I'm giving up too. I'm waiting for some big breakthrough when she 'gets it', cracks and starts being her old self again. However, am now realising that what happened (ons) was not a one off misjudgement but a symptom of a much deeper depression or malaise that she is wallowing in that I don't understand fully, and I don't want her to drag me down with her. Am also suspecting she isn't really a very nice person which is strange...

devasted30 posted 5/26/2014 05:02 AM

Struggle street, you are not alone. I grapple with those same thoughts on a daily basis. In many ways, my M is so much better than it was. But, honestly, how can I live with someone who lied and cheated on me for years? My circumstances are different than yours. I am just starting my retirement, I have been with my WS for 31 years and obviously, I am much older then you. If I was younger, I would probably leave. I do love my WS. He is being remorseful and doing all the right things, but yes, there is that nagging thought of how can I live with a man who did this to me? I can tell you that at 19 months out, it is a little easier but since he continued to lie to me until last August, it is very hard to come up with a good argument. Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it? You have to do what is right for you. I keep asking myself, do I still love him? Is he remorseful? Is he working on himself and trying to help me? As long as the answers to ALL 3 questions are yes, then here I am. But, if ever there is a no, I am gone. Ultimately, you must do what is right for you. Give yourself time. This is very much life grief, as there are many stages and you will fluctuate on a daily basis between love/hate, stay/go etc. if you still feel like this in another few months, I think the universe will give you a clear and decisive answer.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 5:04 AM, May 26th (Monday)]

TheWrongedMan posted 5/26/2014 05:12 AM

My wife is okay six days out of seven but on the one day when she throws a strop and starts feeling sorry for herself and making excuses, I feel like we are back to square one again.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/26/2014 05:54 AM

Not everyone has it in them to reconcile, nor should they be made to. I chose not to and I've never regretted it - not for a second.

And yes, I'm fed up with the nonsense about how cheating MUST be the result of something from one's childhood or something from young adulthood and that's why they did it and blah blah blah. I think most of that crap is psycho-babble. For some odd reason, everyone always wants to put a label on it rather than just admitting that sometimes, it's nothing more than plain old selfish, asshole behavior - and NOTHING more.

Someone must be a 'sex addict' if they're a serial cheater or cat around. One must be 'addicted to porn' because they watch porn. Talk about over the top.

My ex-H from 25 years ago was the biggest skirt chaser on the planet and took any opportunity that fell in his lap. He was one of 7 kids and the rest of the siblings didn't act like him and have enjoyed longtime, successful marriages. They all grew up in the same house with the same parents and the same circumstances, yet my ex-H seems to be the only one of them who wanted to be led around by his genitals.

Shall we blame that on "FOO" issues? Funny how none of the other 6 kids - who grew up right along side him - ever behaved like that.

Pffft. Psycho-babble.

There's a label for his behavior, alright. It's called 'ass-hattery.'

Strugglestreet posted 5/26/2014 22:47 PM

Thank you all so much for your replies. I am just very confused at the moment, and can't see how putting myself through this much pain to save my marriage is really worth it after what he has done

PollyA posted 5/26/2014 23:17 PM

what it's it that continues to be so painful?

marionwendy posted 5/27/2014 00:21 AM

I feel exactly the same way as you do. I struggle daily with this issue and wonder if I'm cheating myself from the life I truly deserve. I also do not believe in the pyscho babble! Bull crap! I think about the things my WH told me when I found out and now 9 months out I wonder what kind of person he really is! I look at him sometimes and wonder really what the hell I am doing? Why am I here? Who is he? 22 yrs and all of a sudden he cheats? Bull shit! Just last night I told my husband that if our house sells I want to try it on my own for a while... His response was ( that's not right because we are married) ... Huh where was that thought when he slept with his skank? I cry on a daily basis and think of myself as the weak one. What kind of person causes this much pain to another? Oh sure now there is remorse and constant texts and I love you, your my soul mate and my best friend and my life is nothing if your not in it! Blah blah blah why did you not think these things last year? So I Hear You Loud And Clear! I Agree With You! I Know My Decision Is Becoming Clearer And Clearer Every Day!

Strugglestreet posted 5/27/2014 01:12 AM

Polly A - I am in pain mainly because i feel that no matter how much remorse he shows, or how much work he does, it will never change the fact that he made the decision to sleep with another woman behind my back. How can I rebuild a relationship if the person I thought he was never actually existed??

Marionwendy - I am sorry that you too are in this position, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!! Who are these men we married? Can't believe I have shared so much with him for so long, and never actually REALLY knew him

MJane posted 5/27/2014 05:33 AM

Hi Strugglestreet am nine months out and in same boat (posted an almost identical query yesterday). I hear you loud and clear on " it will never change the fact that he made the decision to sleep with another woman behind my back". I accept that there were some things in our M I was responsible (we had a rough time trying for children and multiple Miscarriages that made me depressed for a good while before I got pregnant and he then decided to cheat!) for but it comes down to this - this person person that I lived side by side with, who I thought knew me better than anyone, who I thought had my back treated me like I didn't exist - like the promises we made and the deep friendship we shared was nothing. I have a young family but I am thinking that being with someone so capable of turning away from us and thinking solely about himself can hardly be good for me or children. I struggle because I wanted to have a happy solid family (something I lacked growing up) but am starting to feel more and more that I deserve more than this. Is this what I dreamt of when I was younger - sharing my life with a person capable of very deep deceit? While part of me still loves him,part of me also despises someone capable of doing that - and if I'm truthful also despises the fact I have let him stay. I am in awe of those who truly reconcile here but as someone said above maybe for some of us R is not possible. I feel like his A has taken me hostage and despite having days go by when it isn't at centre of my thoughts I also have days when I cry so much in deep sadness that this is what my life is - I can't look at our wedding photos as they represent lies to me and looking at my son's baby photos makes me so sad as he cheated while I was pregnant and he was small....I wish a magic wand could make this go away but it can't so I need to come to a decision on whether this is worth living with or not...not sure where I will land but I wish you strength in your same struggle.

strad posted 5/27/2014 06:16 AM

Whatever is inside my XWH that made him feel entitled to take another man's wife for his own use, and justified lying to me about it for months (even after I knew about the affair)is now always there,and present. I wasn't interested in spending the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, seeing if that entitlement was chasing me. Life is way too short and precious to stay focused on a cheater.

Doubts posted 5/27/2014 06:53 AM

Ditto to many of the posts here. I am 1 year past d day and am at a very angry stage in this journey. I am in my late 50's and really angry he did this to us at a time in our lives when I am finally free from the child rearing years and my parents are gone. So instead of being free I am bogged down dealing with this emotional garbage.

staystrong101 posted 5/27/2014 07:01 AM

Struggle - I agree completely. I believe in any marriage there will be good times and hard times. If a person makes that decision to have an A, they are making a conscious decision to humiliate and hurt their spouse. It is not just a mistake. People have the ability to make their own choices. My HWH tried to give me all the typical excuses - "It's a Sex addiction, so I just can't help it.." "all men do this, it's just a guy thing and doesn't mean anything," etc. There have been times over the past 24 years of marriage when I was flattered by another man's attention at a party, etc. but every time I politely left the conversation to find my H. I made sure I did not go to certain places where a past BF would be, because why put myself in that position? I think people like to make excuses for their WS. Isn't it easier to give them an excuse and to think it's not really them and they didn't really mean to do this?? I realized the A's of my XWH were not a "mistake." Instead, they were a result of his weak character and selfish behavior. I believe I am worth more than this. If a spouse of one of my children ever disrespected them in this way, I would hope they'd have the strength and self-esteem to walk away. That's what gave me the courage to do it, and I am so glad I moved on.

Deeply Scared posted 5/27/2014 07:53 AM


Please keep the derogatory names out of the Reconciliation forum.

Thank you.

sisoon posted 5/27/2014 10:14 AM

...i feel that staying with him means I have no self worth....

Your self-worth (and everyone else's) comes from within and is largely independent of what you do. It took me a long while to get my sense of self back, but I feel good about myself, even though I chose R.

The key is to figure out what you want. Since your H is remorseful, both R & D (and waiting) are open to you, so you can choose either outcome and hold your head high. You can choose either outcome and again feel great about yourself.

It looks like you're less than a year out, so uncertainty could even be a good thing for now.

I think the best route to finding the best outcome for you is, again, to focus on what you want and then go for it.

FOO issues, depression, etc., don't excuse cheating. How a WS reacts after D-Day can influence your decision, though. Immediately taking responsibility and working to resolve issues that supporting the A probably tend to show that the WS won't cheat again.

FOO issues, the fog, brokenness - may be explanations, but that doesn't mean you have to cut your WS any slack.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:24 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)]

SadInNC posted 5/27/2014 12:59 PM

Hi Strugglestreet. I think you have to go with what is the best choice for the rest of your life. If you've been in R for a year and he is doing all the right things and you still feel this way..... Will it ever get better for you?

Mama3030 posted 5/27/2014 19:16 PM

It's only been three months but I'm going through this right now.

I'm trying to give it 6-12 months before making that decision like they say.

I loved him SO much, I held him on a pedestal.

I feel like I will never love him that way again. I am trying to figure out if he is worth any of my love anymore (besides being the father to my children).

I'm hoping counseling helps. (((hugs)))

Strugglestreet posted 5/28/2014 01:01 AM

It is nice to know I am not alone in feeling this way. I am slowly detaching, and at this stage plan to move home after Christmas. I may change my mind in the mean time, but I have felt this way for a while now so that is pretty unlikely

kansas1968 posted 5/28/2014 01:22 AM

I think everyone feels that way, many times during the horrible aftermath of an affair. I know I have. Next December will be four years, and I am really glad now I stuck it out. I would tell myself, "You can leave at any time" and that would get me through another day.

I knew from the first that my husband was worth staying with. He made a horrible decision and he has paid dearly for it, but he was definitely worth keeping.

That is what you will need to decide. Is he worth keeping. The general wisdom on this board is that it takes two to five years to heal and that is the truth as terrible as it sounds.

No matter what you decide, you will get all of the support that you need from all of these grand people suffering the same pain as you. Hugs.

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