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Crisis time - need support

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Sadjacey posted 5/26/2014 07:20 AM

Bit of back story needed - WH has travelled a lot with work, often in Asia - started with happy ending massages there and has had sex with prostitutes there (in our home city as well). He lost his regular job almost a year ago and is now building an alternative - and is actively chasing work in Asia. Today he rang to say that one of these h as come off - he will be away for a week or so, I was really upset - illogical I know. Didn't want to talk to him, monitored his email all day - to find he ws chasing up other potential work in Asia after me being so upset. Came home - he was out at a regular game with the boys - to find flowers and a note that told me he needs his own life - he wants to share it with me. He doesn't expect me to feel good about him but he'd like me to feel good for him. Have barely stopped crying since. Looked online for somewhere else to spend the night, but haven't gone through with it - he has a course to present tomorrow and it seemed unfair. Am I overreacting here? I'm devastated - couldn't he have waited to chase this sort of work until I was feeling a bit safer? About to take sleeping pills (not too many) and go to bed - he isn't home yet. I don't want to talk to him.

authenticnow posted 5/26/2014 07:31 AM

couldn't he have waited to chase this sort of work until I was feeling a bit safer?
Yes, he could have, but he didn't because he is putting himself first.

I don't think you're overreacting and I'm sorry that he isn't considering your needs when making his decisions.


Skan posted 5/26/2014 14:21 PM

The only person that needs "their own life," is a single person. If he truly wants to act like a single person, perhaps you should see a lawyer about setting yourself free as well (((hugs)))

karmahappens posted 5/26/2014 14:33 PM

I am sorry. That is selfish and thoughtless of him.

If it were me I would give him his own life.

Take back yours. Start healing you and walk in a direction that is healthy for you.

His actions show you where he is right now, believe it.

You deserve so much more. (((Hugs)))))

hear-me-roar posted 5/26/2014 15:56 PM

Through his working so much in Asia, I believe he has become addicted to the free-&-easy kind of sexual behavior that is the normal in many parts of Asia. There are areas/towns where anything goes. He would not feel threatened because he is so far from 'home'. He has disconnected from life in the States and fallen into the black-hole of Asian porn. I would not be surprised if he has not already established a 2nd 'home-life' there. Talk about a sick ego-boost. I have a friend who's H worked in China. She found out all of his doings there. He told her that because he is there so much, that he has to have this other life to be fulfilled. He wanted her to see that it was life there. Then, when he was in the States, she was his life here. Well, she divorced him and got all of his money here.

I have a business friend who goes to Asia to buy product for his business. He says that it is everywhere. And, that many you meet try to sway you to go to these areas because they get a cut. Of course, you have to be 'that kind' of person to make that choice to be involved with that lifestyle. Did he ever try to find work here, when he lost his job? I think you should "feel good for him" and send him on his merry way. But first, get your fortune cookies in line with a lawyer. Because of the story you tell here, I would secure myself financially first. Actually, I think you are UNDERacting. You've got to wise-up. I think you are on the unfair side of the marriage here.

I know part of your topic is 'need support'. But, I cannot say I support the namby-pamby way you help yourself. If he "needs his own life", then he should be the one looking for somewhere else to spend the night, not you. Believe me, I am all for you to have a great life for yourself. Please, take your freedom and get into new things to do with new people. Also, think about having some disease tests done with a doctor. He could have it all!!! You will get through this, but, I see you doing it for yourself to be free of him. Peace to you.

mychild posted 5/26/2014 16:37 PM

Hi (Sadjacey):

I'm not sure you are actually in reconciliation, my dear. It really does take 2 to do so. You may actually just be getting by, like most of us maybe? I know I am getting by, though others may call it reconciliation - it's not, I'm here only because of my child, so I'm getting by and my child is THRIVING. So being a perfect parent, pat on my back, yes, I'm getting by - by my choice, being strong as possible.

So I think you are getting by, living on your strength (yes, you are strong - you've gone thru a lot.)

And he can have the sick Chinese prostitute life style (or any type of prostitute lifestyle he wants) here also. With all due respect, any culture that comes here, whether any Eastern Culture or Western or any in between - they don't just bring themselves, they bring their culture. Here in LA - there is a very heavy Eastern Massage culture, of which my husband indulged in heavily along with the other strip parlours which are in every culture, so just letting you know it's very much here and if he wasn't getting it there he'd get it here. Prostitution is accepted much better in Europe, also. When I lived in England as a teen, I was looked upon as a prude for my American standards not accepting porn and prostitution was prudish with all my very educated friends, you see, because it is the right of every woman to do whatever she wants with her body and is the right of every man to do what she will allow and I disagreed for civilizations and family well fare and I was laughed at a lot.

It's all about respect and every and all runaway cheaters, male or female, have decided long ago, way before the cheating, that what they want counts most and what they can get away with they will and it's all out there for the taking.

You should talk to him - he needs a piece of your mind as long as you decide to stay, in my opinion only. AND you have every right to say - sorry but no China, no Korea, no Asia whatsoever EVER. Of course, like I said he can get it here (anything is available in the United States too) where my husband did. I can't imagine what he'd do in an actual Asian country - where I've heard it's more ok - where here, "normal moral non- prostitute sex selling persons try to take a stand some of the time. Mind blowing, I'm sure, for those men who are into any sexual deviance. It's so sad to me that still in this day and age, the more rights women are given the more so many choose the right to sell their bodies (it's their right) - so sick. But I expect soon in this country prostitution will be legal like pot is in many areas. Anything goes now here and everywhere it seems.

Anyway, you have the right also - to demand no more travel. My husband is never allowed to travel. If he wants his child to live with him 24/7 then no travel. And no cheating and no porn and no anything whack... He has just passed his polygraph with a poly guy that does 98% sex or cheating tests. His father has done this work his whole life and has learned from the best and I met them both and the tester is as satisfied as possible. NO, I'm not bragging, I'm saying what it takes to STAY with me.

So what does it take, Dear Sadjacey, to stay with you?

Hugs and Hugs and super hugs.

[This message edited by mychild at 4:52 PM, May 26th (Monday)]

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