[This message edited by Broken613 at 10:11 AM, May 26th (Monday)]
The 180 saved my life - literally.
I printed it and put it on my bathroom mirror. I wrote down specific behaviors that I had to accomplish daily. Before I found the 180 and really committed to it, I spent 3 years in a bed willing myself to die. It literally saved my life.
I now have a Ph.D. and a business...and I could care less what he does...at all!
You need to establish some boundaries within your M, in terms of moving forward. nC, transparency, IC, MC? Only you and WH can know what you guys need. R is a gift that should not be offered lightly. While every fibre of your being is probably screaming not to let "her" have him... YOU are the prize. Know that. Don't accept anything less.
You are not a fool. You trusted, believed and loved your husband unconditionally~the same way that you wanted to be treated. He is the fool for not appreciating you and what you are. Your WH is in the fog. He has not gone NC with her, is not giving you full disclosure about contact and as such he is not acting remorsefully, he is still hanging on to the hope that she will reciprocate his feelings.
At this point, you need to save yourself. Make yourself the priority by starting the 180. As angerisme stated, the purpose of the 180 is to heal yourself and to protect yourself from any further harm by detaching and recognizing that you have value and that your thoughts and feelings matter.
If you have not already, start reading through the Healing Library. Start with FAQ for the BS. Also, please pay special attention to the threads with bullseyes next to them, they were exceptionally helpful to me.
Take care of yourself physically. Make sure that you are eating and drinking (not alcohol) on a regular basis. I survived months on scrambled eggs and toast. You need to stay strong. If you have having trouble sleeping, see your physician for some sleep aids. Lack of sleep will impact your ability to cope and make good decisions. Consider going to IC. I find that IC was a great help in working through emotions and making logical and sound decisions.
Start making plans. You have take a great first step by controlling the bank. Now start separating your finances. Start diverting your income into an account in your name alone. Do not use any of your funds to pay debts that he has incurred in him name alone, in particular the credit card. Gather information about your assets and debts. You are aware that he has spent money on gifts so start pulling this information together. Do not make any decisions about contacting the HR department at their company. If he loses his job and you decide to divorce, you do not want to be paying spousal support. This is something to consider.
It is really hard to find yourself here. It does seem surreal at times but the people here and the advice and encouragement provided will get you through this. Sending you grace, dignity and strength.
My husband is in “love” with his co-worker...
I hate to say it, but a man whose so in 'love' with a woman that he spends $3000 on her showering her with gifts and cries to you that he's brokenhearted because she supposedly didn't say "I love you" back to him has been a lot more than just her coffee buddy. He may be a KISA, but that doesn't mean she didn't reward him for his generosity thus ensuring the gifts will keep flowing since you say she's a user. Women have handed out sexual favors for a hell of a lot less.
So I'd definitely get a full STD panel, regardless of what your husband is telling you.
Because cheaters lie. They're experts at it. They lie and they deny, and they minimize everything. If you have proof that they slept together once, then that's ALL they'll admit to - that one time (even though it was probably 100's of times). If you have proof of them having sex 5 times, then they'll admit only to the 5 times. They will only admit to what you KNOW. Of course it's easier to get their BS to forgive them if they claim they were never physical with their affair partner. Unfortunately, ALL cheaters make this claim but for most, the ugly truth eventually comes out. They'll swear on their own children's lives, on their sainted grandmother's lives, and on their own lives that they didn't do anything physical - and they're lying right through their teeth at you.
So please, for the sake of your health, have a full STD screening.
Maybe you should make a polygraph test one of your conditions for reconciliation. If he has nothing to hide, he should have no problem having one administered. I know in the past when I used to get accused of ridiculous crap by my ex (he was a psycho and pulled nonsense accusations out of his ass) I would have LOVED to strap myself into a poly seat right then and there and taken it - just to prove him wrong. When you're really telling the truth you're just dying to prove it because you're so filled with righteous indignation so he should feel the same way if he's being truly honest with you.
I'm assuming this OW doesn't have a husband or a significant other? If she does, out her sorry ass to him immediately.
As I was writing this he called and I confronted him about the deleted texts. Apparently I can't read call logs. It has a (2) next to the first outgoing - it compresses and doesn't show each one. I have the same phone and just verified. Doesn't mean he didn't delete texts, just means that I jumped too soon. He was calm and not angry about it, though.
I am also talking to a fellow army wife and she has just told me that one of his good army buddies has been concerned about him and PTSD. He's been acting increasingly off in the last few years. This is going to be a hard ass road.
ETA - re: a poly. He said he's take one. Too broke to do it now, but I think I might ask for one. Also, no SO. Lives with her daughter and mother.
[This message edited by Broken613 at 3:33 PM, May 26th (Monday)]