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Broken613 posted 5/26/2014 10:08 AM

So, I’m the fool.
Despite my post count and user number, on Saturday May 25th, at 10:07pm, I received my very first real D-day. The previous one I had come to realize was not really as earth-shattering as I thought. But this one stings like a mofo.
I finally got the login for our bank right (long story) and discovered all the money. He was out “with friends” (read: that bitch) and refused to come home. It took him 10 hours to tell me the truth, but I already knew who it was. He was violently ill throughout telling me. I laughed when he puked. Not ashamed to say I’ve gone a bit mental. And on Saturday I was down right cruel and mocked him.
My gut told me something was off last July. Important lesson: NEVER IGNORE YOUR GUT. EVER. I couldn’t find any evidence, but all their talking has carried on at work. I’ve 2x4 myself to death in the last 34 hours. I’m ashamed to say I slept with him last night. I needed to be wanted. I feel like an idiot for that.
My husband is in “love” with his co-worker. The bitch I had warned him about 5 years ago. He has loved her since the Fall of last year. He told her at a concert they went to together (I thought he was with friends). She rejected him. He says nothing physical has happened and my gut says he’s telling the truth but I am doubting everything now.
I was reticent to post anything. He has been doing all the right things - apparent (see below) transparency with the phone, answering my questions without anger or defensiveness, even if it’s the same one over and over, let me rage at him and holding me. I got a few “I don’t know” and “I don’t remember” but I know that’s to be expected at this point. He’s still foggy. He was doing everything I could ask for until this morning. He was angry and asshole-ish this am because I think he realized he has to go to work and see her.
He has bought over 3000$ in gifts for her on the credit card - which is not in my name - and from our bank, which is joint. He has lied to me about where he has been and what he was doing on the rare weekend days I work.
I know what you are thinking - no one spends that without getting anything in return. My husband would. He's a KISA and I have met this woman - she is a user. I might be in denial. I likely am, but seeing the heartbreak on his face when he told me she rejected his "ILY" was apparent. And devastating. Fuck.
I have control of the bank now. And the c/c is so jacked up he couldn’t charge anything anyway. I am undecided on whether or not to call HR at their company. They will both likely lose their jobs if I do. And that is a definite divorce for us.
I am angry, hurt and unsurprised.
He sent an NC text, but she already knew I knew as they talked on Saturday as I found out. She is worried I want all the money he’s spent back. I do. Oh, I do. But not nearly as much as I want my husband’s heart back. I can’t watch them at work. I think he sent he further texts after, because I noticed on the call log on the phone that the text to her is there, but the answering text (Sure okay no problem!) is not, meaning he probably deleted others and accidently deleted that one. I haven’t called him on that though. I need to wait and watch.
I'm sorry I'm all over the place - I can't seem to get anything straight. I'm happy I only have a four hour shift this afternoon.
ETA: I want to 180, but knowing my husband he'll think everything is a-ok and not get it. Seriously. He can be that slow.

[This message edited by Broken613 at 10:11 AM, May 26th (Monday)]

angerisme posted 5/26/2014 10:29 AM

The 180 is not a "message" that you send. It wont matter if he "gets it" or not. The 180 is for YOU. The goal or function of the 180 is to separate your emotions from his. It is a surgical excision to remove him from your heart, your mind, and ultimately your life.

The 180 saved my life - literally.

I printed it and put it on my bathroom mirror. I wrote down specific behaviors that I had to accomplish daily. Before I found the 180 and really committed to it, I spent 3 years in a bed willing myself to die. It literally saved my life.

I now have a Ph.D. and a business...and I could care less what he all!

Broken613 posted 5/26/2014 11:07 AM

Logically, I know that. It doesn't seem like I can grasp any of it right now.

Uhtred posted 5/26/2014 11:55 AM

I'm sorry that this is happening. It's not like the hurt isn't enough already but then they choose to continue to push it until you snap. I have no advice but am sending my support your way.

Sadmumma posted 5/26/2014 12:13 PM

Very gently here... Your husband claims to be "in love" with her. To be so, there must be a connection of sorts even if it is 'only' an EA. His physical reaction is very severe for someone who "hasn't done anything". Either way, you can't "make" him see anything... So yes, the 180 is a bit hit and miss at first... And when your raw it seems it could be a tool to make them de fog. But it's not. It's a tool for you.

You need to establish some boundaries within your M, in terms of moving forward. nC, transparency, IC, MC? Only you and WH can know what you guys need. R is a gift that should not be offered lightly. While every fibre of your being is probably screaming not to let "her" have him... YOU are the prize. Know that. Don't accept anything less.

angerisme posted 5/26/2014 12:19 PM

Broken it will feel very difficult to grasp much of what is happening right now. I'm sorry you are feeling so hopeless. You should know things always get better if you take control of your life. Make a decision for what you want. Then decide what you will and will not accept. If he cannot live withint your guideliness then ask him to leave so YOU can get on with your life. You have to have a direction and a goal...and remember this one really does not matter if he did or did not have sex with this woman...what matters is that YOU are an amazing person who will survive this and you will be happy again. REMEMBER THAT ALWAYS!

Broken613 posted 5/26/2014 12:57 PM

I don't know if I can do this. I don't even know if I want him gone or to work on it. Thank you for the words of support and advice. I feel batshit crazy. Thankfully no children, so at least my infertility came as a blessing at last.
It's so hard to watch my marriage crumble apart. When he came home from overseas 5 years ago I could see he had PTSD but he refuses to accept that. Not making an excuse for him - this is all part of his fucked up psychology.
I hate myself for feeling bad that he is hurting because he's losing someone else. I feel ashamed that I need him. I am also annoyed at all my "I" statements.
@Sadmumma - she's flirty and very much plays the damsel in distress. I've met her a few times and was not impressed with how she speaks to any of her male co-workers. All innuendos and winks. Gross.
@angerisme - I've set my firm guidelines. I was pretty on my game for the first 12 hours, then I lost the thread.

meplusfour posted 5/26/2014 13:15 PM


You are not a fool. You trusted, believed and loved your husband unconditionally~the same way that you wanted to be treated. He is the fool for not appreciating you and what you are. Your WH is in the fog. He has not gone NC with her, is not giving you full disclosure about contact and as such he is not acting remorsefully, he is still hanging on to the hope that she will reciprocate his feelings.

At this point, you need to save yourself. Make yourself the priority by starting the 180. As angerisme stated, the purpose of the 180 is to heal yourself and to protect yourself from any further harm by detaching and recognizing that you have value and that your thoughts and feelings matter.

If you have not already, start reading through the Healing Library. Start with FAQ for the BS. Also, please pay special attention to the threads with bullseyes next to them, they were exceptionally helpful to me.

Take care of yourself physically. Make sure that you are eating and drinking (not alcohol) on a regular basis. I survived months on scrambled eggs and toast. You need to stay strong. If you have having trouble sleeping, see your physician for some sleep aids. Lack of sleep will impact your ability to cope and make good decisions. Consider going to IC. I find that IC was a great help in working through emotions and making logical and sound decisions.

Start making plans. You have take a great first step by controlling the bank. Now start separating your finances. Start diverting your income into an account in your name alone. Do not use any of your funds to pay debts that he has incurred in him name alone, in particular the credit card. Gather information about your assets and debts. You are aware that he has spent money on gifts so start pulling this information together. Do not make any decisions about contacting the HR department at their company. If he loses his job and you decide to divorce, you do not want to be paying spousal support. This is something to consider.

It is really hard to find yourself here. It does seem surreal at times but the people here and the advice and encouragement provided will get you through this. Sending you grace, dignity and strength.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/26/2014 13:35 PM

My husband is in “love” with his co-worker...

LOL. How in "loooove" can he be with her if he was intimate with you last night? And if he can 'cheat' so easily on the woman he supposedly loves with you, why would he expect YOU to believe that he's never been physical with her? It doesn't make sense.

I hate to say it, but a man whose so in 'love' with a woman that he spends $3000 on her showering her with gifts and cries to you that he's brokenhearted because she supposedly didn't say "I love you" back to him has been a lot more than just her coffee buddy. He may be a KISA, but that doesn't mean she didn't reward him for his generosity thus ensuring the gifts will keep flowing since you say she's a user. Women have handed out sexual favors for a hell of a lot less.

So I'd definitely get a full STD panel, regardless of what your husband is telling you.

Because cheaters lie. They're experts at it. They lie and they deny, and they minimize everything. If you have proof that they slept together once, then that's ALL they'll admit to - that one time (even though it was probably 100's of times). If you have proof of them having sex 5 times, then they'll admit only to the 5 times. They will only admit to what you KNOW. Of course it's easier to get their BS to forgive them if they claim they were never physical with their affair partner. Unfortunately, ALL cheaters make this claim but for most, the ugly truth eventually comes out. They'll swear on their own children's lives, on their sainted grandmother's lives, and on their own lives that they didn't do anything physical - and they're lying right through their teeth at you.

So please, for the sake of your health, have a full STD screening.

Maybe you should make a polygraph test one of your conditions for reconciliation. If he has nothing to hide, he should have no problem having one administered. I know in the past when I used to get accused of ridiculous crap by my ex (he was a psycho and pulled nonsense accusations out of his ass) I would have LOVED to strap myself into a poly seat right then and there and taken it - just to prove him wrong. When you're really telling the truth you're just dying to prove it because you're so filled with righteous indignation so he should feel the same way if he's being truly honest with you.

I'm assuming this OW doesn't have a husband or a significant other? If she does, out her sorry ass to him immediately.

Broken613 posted 5/26/2014 14:03 PM

Thank you for the reminder to eat and drink. I haven't done either since Friday night when I suspected something big was about to happen soon.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon for an STD panel.
Good point about HR - I make next to nothing so I couldn't even pay a tenth of our bills alone, let alone pay alimony.
@Alone - That's what I said! I told him this isn't love. Not even close. In his defense (I feel gross writing it), he used to lend out large sums to male friends without a second thought. He's shit with money.

As I was writing this he called and I confronted him about the deleted texts. Apparently I can't read call logs. It has a (2) next to the first outgoing - it compresses and doesn't show each one. I have the same phone and just verified. Doesn't mean he didn't delete texts, just means that I jumped too soon. He was calm and not angry about it, though.
I am also talking to a fellow army wife and she has just told me that one of his good army buddies has been concerned about him and PTSD. He's been acting increasingly off in the last few years. This is going to be a hard ass road.

ETA - re: a poly. He said he's take one. Too broke to do it now, but I think I might ask for one. Also, no SO. Lives with her daughter and mother.

[This message edited by Broken613 at 3:33 PM, May 26th (Monday)]

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