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If I want to R

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LostSamurai posted 5/26/2014 10:34 AM

If I want to R, what should I be doing as a BH? My WW hasn't demonstrated Remorse or anything yet as I am sure you read my threads. I am just curious to what I should be doing or what a FWS thinks I should do.

sisoon posted 5/26/2014 11:13 AM

If your WS is unremorseful, and you want to R, you have to choose between

1) suffering while your WS eats cake,
2) do the 180 now and possibly (well, probably) D later, and
3) D now and do the self-reclamation part of the 180 later (or stay in Victim, or...).

Son, I know that's a difficult message to hear, but I'd bet a lot that that's it - no other realistic choices.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:14 AM, May 26th (Monday)]

ItsaClimb posted 5/26/2014 11:26 AM

IMHO, R involves you working on you, your WS working on herself and both of you working on the marriage. I personally would find it very difficult to R with an unremorseful spouse, but obviously R and marriage are deeply personal issues, and each to their own.

So, if I were to give my opinion on what you should be doing, my advice would be to work on yourself. Spend some time working on FOO issues (we all seem to have them!) become stronger as an individual, read up on any issues you may have identified in yourself that need working on. And then, with your wife, work on your marriage. Communicate your needs and desires for your marriage. Perhaps read some books together. I know you are already in MC.


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