Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...
Thanks for the responses guys
I think Sunvalley really hit it the nail on the head!
I never thought of it that way...but no wonder I have doubts. No wonder I feel lost. Staying with my WBF DOES go against everything I stood for before DDAY (and still stand for, obviously).
if I did good things and was a good wife, then I felt I had some control in my life and this would never happen to me. It's a hard pill to swallow to realize that we really cannot control anything by being all in or doing good things. I wish it were that simple, but this truly was the WS issue, not ours and there was nothing we could have done differently to prevent their choices.
OUCH! And yes...100% yes. Exactly how I feel. It's really scary to realize that you can do everything right (in your eyes) and be the best person you can be, and at the end of the day, none of it matters. You can't control someone else's actions. I think I've always known that, but I never had it blown up in my face like this before.
I agree with all of you that I should work on myself and I understand that.
It is really hard though. That also feels like going against everything I stand for. Like I said - I love the way I love. I don't feel like I should have to change who I am to make my relationship better. I think the way I love is one of the best things about me. I'm trusting (or was) I support my WBF, I give him the space he needs.
I'm OK with him taking trips alone. He's an adventurer, and I can't always keep up with his crazy trips, like motorcycle trips across the country. Have you ever been on a motorcycle for more than a couple hours? It hurts your ass like hell!! LOL But we take plenty of trips together.
I'm not controlling, I cook, I clean, I listen. I support. I'm in no way perfect, but I love him, and with that love comes a sense to protect him and make him as happy as I can.
Anyways...I could go on and on...but I think you all get my point. I LIKE THE WAY I LOVE. If I have to love someone at a distance...with my heart wrapped in a metal box to deflect any shrapnel that may come flying at it...then I don't want that.
Detaching from my WBF and becoming more independent just sounds like letting go. Giving up. (it's not like I don't have my own life now, because I do) Maybe there's something wrong with thinking that way. But geez...I'm 31 years old. How do I break that? LOL seems kinda impossible...
Thanks for listening.
On a side note -
Yesterday went well. We ended up meeting up with some friends and taking our jet ski's out on the river. It was an amazing 84 degrees and the sun was shining! We even brought our dog with us! (He loves the jet ski!) I only had one time where I really got sad. I looked at the time and realized that one year ago, at that very moment, my WBF was with the OW. I turned and mentioned it to my WBF. He held me tight and whispered in my ear :
I'm sorry. I'm hear with you now. I want to make new memories with you. I love you.
I am really glad that I made it through this holiday. Even though my WBF's texting relationship with the OW continued until DDAY (June 24th) he did not see the OW after Memorial Day. I don't know why, but I find It easier knowing that at least they weren't seeing each other during this time (one year ago).
Your guys comments really lifted my spirits and helped me feel not so alone. I can't even tell you what the means to me. Thank you.
Together 9 years
DDay: June 24, 2013