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Need advice on whether to tell adult kids that Xwh married Ow

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Grace and Flowers posted 5/26/2014 12:49 PM

Well, the title kinda says it all.

WXH has been acting squirrelly, and has not contacted his kids in months. (Both DSs are 20). I suspect he is on vacation, possibly his honeymoon. Even if it's not the case now, I know it will be soon.

Question is, when he marries her, do I tell the kids, or make him do it? I believe he should do it. I also know he won't....or if he does it will much later in the future, I feel like if I know he's gotten married, it would be lying not to tell the boys. But then, once again, I am doing the hard work with the kids while he does nothing.

Advice? Do I tell the kids, because they should know, or wait and make him do it, which may happen long down the road, or not at all?

monarchwings posted 5/26/2014 13:08 PM

Its there Dad's actions so he should be the one to tell. However if he drags it out so long that it becomes common knowledge via the grapevine then I would say something. They are 20 not 2.

FTR... What a douche !!!

Kajem posted 5/26/2014 14:37 PM

It's his news to tell.

I found out that XH and NW got married before their wedding happened. They were married in secret 2 weeks after our divorce was final. The wedding was 6 weeks later. I found out almost a year after that.

My kids found out about the secret day a couple of years ago and asked me if I knew? Yes. Why didn't you tell us? It wasn't my news to tell, and I didn't want to hurt you.

Besides-they weren't in a place where they would believe he would do that. My telling them would have been interpreted by XH as attempts at parental alienation. I needed to be careful and protect my relationship with them. This was not a hill I needed to die on. Choose your battles wisely.


trying_2_recover posted 5/26/2014 15:25 PM

Since your kids are now adults IMO you need to 100% hand the reigns of their relationship with their father over to them and stay completely out of it. It's not your job anymore once they are adults #1 and #2 it's not your job anymore once you are divorced.

[This message edited by trying_2_recover at 3:26 PM, May 26th (Monday)]

solus sto posted 5/26/2014 15:50 PM

Trac-Fone is PD, so I do tend to filter his actions for the kids, when given the chance. Is it codependent spin-doctoring? Maybe. But if I can spare my kids pain (while doing my best to teach them what cannot be expected from a PD father), I do.

cissi posted 5/26/2014 16:02 PM

My own father did this, probably around 3 times. I knew about one marriage he had and the rest he never mentioned. I remember being a little kid and my sister and I went to visit him at his apartment. My sister made me walk over to the rows of mail boxes and find his name so she could see whose names were on his. Sure enough it said Mr and Mrs XX. I remember her saying, "I KNEW it!" LOL. Honestly? Our dad was a joke for pulling stunts like this and we knew it. Thank God for great stepfathers is all I can say.

Grace and Flowers posted 5/26/2014 16:26 PM

Yes, I agree with the "his story to tell" stance. 100%. I'm just worried if the boys find out I knew and didn't tell them, they'd be angry at ME for keeping it secret!

It won't be a shock to either of them. I've warned them it will probably happen if it hasn't already. I'm just so over doing WXHs dirty work!!

Bright side....when I realized this morning they might actually be married, my only feeling was, "Meh". I waited a bit and checked myself again, and my only feeling about it is....who cares? I never thought I'd actually reach this day of, well I guess it's indifference. I've posted lately that I've struggled with old memories of us....but I have not missed the "current" WXH in a long time! I truly do not care what he does with his life.....and man, that feels really, really good. Especially when I wasn't sure I'd ever actually get here! So, yay!

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