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Newest Member: itaboutme (51710)

User Topic: Need advice on whether to tell adult kids that Xwh married Ow
Grace and Flowers
♀ 34431
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the title kinda says it all.

WXH has been acting squirrelly, and has not contacted his kids in months. (Both DSs are 20). I suspect he is on vacation, possibly his honeymoon. Even if it's not the case now, I know it will be soon.

Question is, when he marries her, do I tell the kids, or make him do it? I believe he should do it. I also know he won't....or if he does it will much later in the future, I feel like if I know he's gotten married, it would be lying not to tell the boys. But then, once again, I am doing the hard work with the kids while he does nothing.

Advice? Do I tell the kids, because they should know, or wait and make him do it, which may happen long down the road, or not at all?

"Absence makes the clarity grow stronger" - cantaccept

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
♀ 39891
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its there Dad's actions so he should be the one to tell. However if he drags it out so long that it becomes common knowledge via the grapevine then I would say something. They are 20 not 2.

FTR... What a douche !!!

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's his news to tell.

I found out that XH and NW got married before their wedding happened. They were married in secret 2 weeks after our divorce was final. The wedding was 6 weeks later. I found out almost a year after that.

My kids found out about the secret day a couple of years ago and asked me if I knew? Yes. Why didn't you tell us? It wasn't my news to tell, and I didn't want to hurt you.

Besides-they weren't in a place where they would believe he would do that. My telling them would have been interpreted by XH as attempts at parental alienation. I needed to be careful and protect my relationship with them. This was not a hill I needed to die on. Choose your battles wisely.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6649 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
♀ 28778
Member # 28778
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since your kids are now adults IMO you need to 100% hand the reigns of their relationship with their father over to them and stay completely out of it. It's not your job anymore once they are adults #1 and #2 it's not your job anymore once you are divorced.

[This message edited by trying_2_recover at 3:26 PM, May 26th (Monday)]

BW 51, divorced.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Washington
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trac-Fone is PD, so I do tend to filter his actions for the kids, when given the chance. Is it codependent spin-doctoring? Maybe. But if I can spare my kids pain (while doing my best to teach them what cannot be expected from a PD father), I do.

BS-me, 54
WH (Trac-fone), 54, PD
2 kids-DD27, DS19
multiple d-days
When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.--Viktor Frankl

Posts: 12641 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ 21737
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My own father did this, probably around 3 times. I knew about one marriage he had and the rest he never mentioned. I remember being a little kid and my sister and I went to visit him at his apartment. My sister made me walk over to the rows of mail boxes and find his name so she could see whose names were on his. Sure enough it said Mr and Mrs XX. I remember her saying, "I KNEW it!" LOL. Honestly? Our dad was a joke for pulling stunts like this and we knew it. Thank God for great stepfathers is all I can say.

Posts: 1540 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: SoCal
Grace and Flowers
♀ 34431
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I agree with the "his story to tell" stance. 100%. I'm just worried if the boys find out I knew and didn't tell them, they'd be angry at ME for keeping it secret!

It won't be a shock to either of them. I've warned them it will probably happen if it hasn't already. I'm just so over doing WXHs dirty work!!

Bright side....when I realized this morning they might actually be married, my only feeling was, "Meh". I waited a bit and checked myself again, and my only feeling about it is....who cares? I never thought I'd actually reach this day of, well I guess it's indifference. I've posted lately that I've struggled with old memories of us....but I have not missed the "current" WXH in a long time! I truly do not care what he does with his life.....and man, that feels really, really good. Especially when I wasn't sure I'd ever actually get here! So, yay!

"Absence makes the clarity grow stronger" - cantaccept

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
Topic Posts: 7

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