SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband and I are 35, been married for 6 /12 years and I'm 35 weeks pregnant with our first baby. Last night I found sexually graphic and intimate text messages between my husband and another woman. When I confronted him he admitted that he has been seeing her for 2 months, though he is denying that they've had sex - only kissed and hung out. But how can I trust anything that he says when he's been lying and cheating on me for months? Our entire relationship (even when we were dating) we would argue about our differences in boundaries with the other sex, and before we were married I even found inappropriate messages between him and other women. But years later he swore he was ready to commit and would tell me the most amazing things about his love and admiration for me. I have loved him from the beginning and unfortunately I still do. :( We talked for hours after I confronted him last night, and he said to me directly that he doesn't want to be married anymore. That he's not happy, that we're just "not working." I asked him how he could do this to me, after all that we've been through to cheat on me while I'm pregnant, and all he kept saying was "I don't know" "I'm sorry I'm hurting you" "I'm just not happy." I am in complete shock at his betrayal. For a while, I have suspected that there was something going on with a girl from work, but when I confronted him he would deny it and then would shut down on me. We had actually started counseling two weeks ago to work on some of our communication problems, and he was diagnosed with depression shortly after which he has started individual therapy for. So when he kept saying he wasn't happy last night, I reminded him that he was just diagnosed with depression, his response was well actually the counselor and I are revisiting that because maybe I'm just not happy in this situation. So, I really don't know what I'm going to do. I am at my parents house where I know I will get a lot of support and love, and I am doing everything I can to remain calm and take care of myself. But it is so hard. If he was so unhappy in our marriage, why couldn't he just talk to me and let us work on our relationship? It's because he isn't in love with me anymore, and he doesn't want to be married to me. Our poor baby, will never know two parents in love…this is devastating to me. I NEVER thought I would be divorced. I never thought he would betray me with another woman like this. And now I'm thinking about all the things I need to do for myself and the baby like see my doctor to get tested for STDs and figuring out where I'm going to live, etc. …and in the meantime he is getting what he wants, which is to be on his own where he can have sex with this other woman. It makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know how to move on, I keep seeing those text messages where he was telling her that he was going to f--- her and how he really cared for her. This is a nightmare. How do I stop the negative thoughts, how do I move forward. HELP!!!!

Bravegirl. All of us BS go through this feeling and want to know how, why, what did I do.

The simple truth is WW who cheat are very selfish ignorant people who care for nobody but themselves period.

I know this is very difficult for you. We have all been there. I've been dealing with it for a year now. There is a cycle of emotions you will go through hurt, pain, anger, hate...etc. and it continues over and over.

In your condition I suggest you lean on your family for support. Put your health and your child's health first. I know it's easier said than done.

You can't make your WH feel what you want him to. My problem is even if you want your WH back. How will you ever be the same to be happy with them. It will always be in your head what they have done. WS to me are people living 2 lives and not having morals.

I would love to tell you out will be OK and there are some people here who have moved forward and that it does get better. As for me, I hold grudges for a while depending on the issue. Being betrayed by My WH is a grudge I will hold forever.

Your not alone. There are many here to help you. I think there are a few here that are pregnant with the same issues as you.

This is a good site to be a part of.

Hi Bravegirl,

Look for now try to just look after you (and the baby). Eat, hydrate and talk to people.

Pregnancy is an adventure and your hormones will be all over the place so be gentle with yourself and take it a day at a time.

My husband did the texting and e mailing throughout my pregnancy and I was devastated. I almost left him when I was 7 months pregnant but stayed as I felt I owed the baby a chance at having two parents present (in hindsight a mistake).

I did leave when the baby was 5 months old as I found a secret e mail account (but there were other issues too).

Like you I never thought I would be a single mum. Like you I never thought divorce would be something in my life. I remember wishing with all my heart that the pregnancy would go away. That I would find it was all just a bad dream.

But now 8 months on I am starting to accept this new reality and it's Ok. My parents have been incredibly supportive (although shocked by what has happened). You will be OK. Know this. Take time to think through what you want. Concentrate on you now.

Best thing I did? Got photos done of me and my bump- to celebrate being pregnant. Because despite the disaster of my marriage the pregnancy and the baby were the best thing to have happened to me. Don't let this taint your pregnancy. My little boy is a daily source of joy. Your little one will be too.

[This message edited by sadinscotland at 1:43 PM, May 26th (Monday)]

Awww Bravegirl, I'm so sorry for the cards you've been dealt. There's a special Hell for men who cheat on their pregnant wives.

I think you're very very smart to get a full STD screening. Unfortunately, not too long ago there was a post here by a new mother whose husband refused to be honest with her and kept lying, claiming he hadn't been physical with the OW. Only after giving birth to their baby did she find out she DID have an STD and she'd passed it onto the baby while giving birth. That is so damned unforgiveable and a whole new level of low, but cheaters will lie through their teeth and sacrifice anyone or anything in order to protect their sorry hides.

Don't believe a word he says and get yourself tested immediately.

I'm so very sorry for your pain.

Bravegirl19,

The things you saw will slowly start to fade away and you may not think about them as often...but the best thing to do is focus on you. Start staying active busy so you don't have time to think about it. We have two kids so I started finding things that the kids and I could..I started finding things that would enhance their learning which takes a lot of time...I started working out. So start putting yourself first and it will slowly start to get better. Sending you a hug. So sorry you are going through this.

(((bravegirl))

I'm so sorry that you are here, but you'll find lots of support. We've all been right where you are now.

It's good that you are with your parents where you can get lots of support. It's very important to eat, drink, get exercise and rest. Sleep is very important as you need good rest in order to make good decisions. Although your WS (wayward spouse) has denied sexual contact, the graphic text messages make that difficult to believe and often times a WS will not be fully truthful in te beginning so as not to hurt the betrayed spouse (BS) more. I agree you need to speak with your OB regarding STD testing. Although it can be embarassing to speak candidly with your physician, trust me, they've heard it all. Your safety and that of your baby is paramount.

Alot of what your WS is saying right now is textbook, but the take away for you right now is that this is not your fault. This is not your fault. He clearly has longstanding issues that he needs to resolve, but right now you need to keep repeating - this is not your fault.

First, is the girl from work married? If so, I would let the other spouse know what's going on. Exposure is can be helpful in ending an affair.

Second, in terms of getting your ducks in a row see an attorney. It doesn't mean you have to divorce, but it helps you to have as much information as possible. In particular, so that if necessary, you can be well informed about child support.

Third, I know you're staying with your folks, but I might recommend moving home. If he wants to cheat, then perhaps he should be the one to move out. In other words, you shouldn't be moving out in order to give him the space to cheat. Why should you be worrying about trying to find an apartment for your and the baby?

Finally, I know it feels like you don't have any power in this situation, but really you do. You need to sit him down, and tell him clearly, calmly and firmly that he cannot have both a wife and a girlfriend. He can have a girlfriend, but then he will not have a wife. Let him know that if he continues any contact with this girl, that you will simply not put up with that kind of treatment. It's not said as a threat, but rather as a statement of fact. You cannot have three people in a marriage. You have the power to decide on whether or not to be in this type of marriage.

Keep reading and posting.

Big hugs...I'm so sorry. :( I found out my husband was cheating on me when I was 7 months pregnant. :( I know the absolute devastation... We are trying to reconcile but its hard. I just want you to know that you're not alone and if you need to talk to someone, send me a pm. Sending you positive vibes. *hugs*

Dear Scared,

i can't believe how many men cheat on their pregnant wives.

honey i'm going through everything you're going through.... I know the intense pain of being betrayed by someone you love at a time when you're most vulnerable... when it's supposed to be the happiest time of your life. In fact, after my STD test, I found out that he did give me something : ( that i have to take medications for to prevent passing it to the baby. in my culture, they believe if you wronged a pregnant woman, it will come back to you multiple fold. There has to be a special hell for men like our husbands. it is the most difficult time I've had in all my life. i have to support the family on my own now. but the life inside you needs you. your baby needs you to be strong, and your baby will love you the very moment he sees you.... i'm praying for both of us, for healing, for hope, i'm praying for both of our babies, so they may grow to be healthy, happy, and loved.

I just wanted to say thank you to each of you that replied to my post. Words cannot express what your advice and encouragement have done for me these past couple days. I have never been this hurt, lost, confused, and pissed! But reading on this forum has brought me insight I didn't have and encouragement in a situation that I thought was hopeless.

An update on me: I have an appt tomorrow to get my full STD check done. I have had no contact with my WS. My mom and sister went to our house with me to get more of my stuff, and it felt good to take all of our framed pictures together throughout the house and dump them in the garbage. I thought going back there would make me sad, but instead I was so angry. Instead of picturing all of the wonderful memories we had in our home, I saw the opposite. Where we once snuggled up and watched countless movies, I saw the couch where he admitted his affair and wanted out of the marriage. In our bedroom, instead of seeing the bed we made love in so many times, I saw me crying alone on my side because he was so withdrawn and unaffectionate and cold with me these last 8 months or so.

His sisters have started calling me saying that WS informed his side of the family...but he did not tell them of his affair or that he is the one ending it. He is only telling them that we talked late on Sunday night, that we're separated and that I moved out. When they ask me what happened, I had no hesitation telling them the real story. They were shocked. Does he think no one will find out of his despicable behavior? He is such a coward.

Thank you again for your replies and posts. This forum is such a blessing for us newbies...especially since I don't know anyone who's been through this.

Add me to the "cheated on while pregnant" club. I horrible, terrible club that none of us ever wanted to be a part of.

Every situation is different and in yours he is admitting he is done with the marriage.

I wouldn't believe him about not having sex with her, they call it "trickle truth" around here.

As others have said, take care of yourself. Your baby needs you to be strong.

Please seek counseling. I am three months out and I am seeing my first counselor this week. I wish I would've called sooner.

(((hugs))) you will get through this!

Take the hurt that you feel and use it as energy. I'm telling you...a man who cheats on his pregnant wife is an unforgivable pig that does not deserve the opportunity to do it to you again.

Keep up the no contact. It's the only thing that will work to get him to see the damage he's done!! Not that you should EVER take him back but I assure you...he will come back.

I am part of the pregnant and betrayed club too, girl! I am so sorry you have to go through this too. You have found the right place for support. I know of at least 3 of us that are going through it and we can all help each other out as well as the numerous others who have such great advice! I am going through the roller coaster of emotions (and hormones (32 weeks pregnant here). First there is anger, then hurt and you want to be able to hate them and move on but you can't help but love them and the memories fade in and out. I am glad you are with family! Best advice I can give is to lean on all the support you can get. Don't be ashamed to tell people what is going on. They will most likely do anything they can to help you. My WH tried to tell me not to "tell anyone" and to just keep the "drama to myself" but honestly it's because they don't want anyone to know what a horrible thing they are doing. You need to be surrounded by support to get you through this.

Bravegirl, how are you?

I am so sorry you are here :(

You will go through many stages of grief.

Just remember that you chose the right path and he didn't! You were faithful and he chose to lie and cheat when you are carring his child, he is lower than low.

You have your child to worry about and you have been put in a horrible spot. Eat and drink and control what you can. I am glad you are getting checked for STD's.

I wish I could give you some great advice. I would talk to a lawyer. I think you should have left the jerk a plate, spoon and fork!!

((hugs))

You have gotten great advice so far. Take care of yourself. Go to IC, focus on healing you first. Forget about the M. You can't save it till he gets his head out of his ass. When he is playing house with the AP, the real world will cave in.

Your story is like many here. Man cheats 6 to 8 years into the marriage. He is depressed, loose boundaries already, mid-life crisis. Wants out...blah...blah...blah. Classic seven year itch. I am going to have an A with my co-worker who I see all day long and always in good light with her best foot forward. I believe the marriage is over...you are no fun...blah...blah...blah.

Then everything changes when I get my head out of my ass and my wife wants to leave me 6-7 months into recovery.

Big difference with you is that you are pregnant and he is an even bigger ass and how the Hell any woman would want to cheat with a man who cheats on a pregnant woman just shocks the Hell out of me.

Don't give up yet. They all talk about how they aren't happy. They are going after attention right now. From anywhere they can get it. 19months out and in R and I still don't understand this need for attention. Their lack of self-confidence and esteem. These broken spouses that act like children. Just view him as an overgrown child throwing a temper tantrum for negative attention.

The key: Do NOT Give it to him. Hard 180. Go see a lawyer. You may not feel it, but show him that if he wants to leave-then leave. I have never seen a BS yet, that has niced their WS back to the marriage.

Out the AP at work. Make her feel ashamed (she may back off). Part of the A allure is the secretive nature of it. It will no longer be fantasy land when everyone finds out that she is after a man that is married and his wife is pregnant. Some may disagree with me, but I am a big fan of the dirty laundry being aired to burst the fantasy bubble. Yeah...reputations are ruined, but others will be aware that you know and may offer support and help in stopping it.

They don't talk because they are broken. Weak and selfish. They feel entitled to their destructive fun. They prefer to take the easy way out. They find someone else that is just as needy as them and build each other up (though in reality they are destroying everything good about each other and themselves). Poor coping skills and as you said bad communication skills with everything else and you have the "perfect storm".

He has been with you so long...he has taken you for granted and taken advantage of your fidelity. At this point, he doesn't see you as a friend, lover, or spouse. He treats you like a parent. Just like a teenager rebelling. He/she will bend to peer pressure and seek outside validation to the dismay of the parents that they will treat like shit, because they take the parents love (which is why he does love you in his own way still)for granted. (Get the difference, they love but don't treat or act like love?) They know that no matter what...that parent will always be there for them.

YOU need to stop being there for him. You need to stop being his parent and make him see you as the spouse that is fed up and doesn't give a shit if he wants to self-destruct his life for an easy selfish woman.

BTW:

I saw me crying alone on my side because he was so withdrawn and unaffectionate and cold with me these last 8 months or so.

That is how long you can expect the A has really been going on for at the very least. Not to mention the months it took just for the pre-flirting and teasing before he made you feel isolated. It has been going on for some time, for a man to abandon his pregnant wife, let alone his M for a girlfriend "he just starting seeing". Even when you guys were going to MC.

I agree with another poster there is a special Hell for men and the women that will cheat on a pregnant woman.