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I feel so messed up

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Dawn58 posted 5/26/2014 13:29 PM

Went to see my therapist on Friday. I feel so completely messed up. We uncovered a pattern, that I am repeating, again.

One of my core beliefs is that I am not lovable. I grew up in an abusive home, Mother was an alcoholic, my Dad was a wife beater.

I pick men who are unavailable. My first husband was an alcoholic. He got sober after we were married for five years, but had a horrible temper. Other things were always more important. Husband #2 - workaholic - he worked 16 hour days, his job always came first. Then he had the affair. I was tossed aside like yesterday's trash.

So now, I am in a relationship (?) with a guy who has fallen in love with somebody else. So, I get to relive all the rejection and feeling like I am not good enough again.

Why do I do this to myself? I feel like the moth drawn to the flame......

I don't need 2 x 4's now. I am already beating myself up enough.

I don't want this pain in my life anymore. I am starting to love myself and cherish myself. I have been separated from my cheating husband for 18 months. I filed for divorce because I don't want a man like him for a husband. We went to mediation over a month ago but he has yet to agree to the settlement. I have to sell my house, finish school, find a job and find a new home for myself. I am taking the steps to create a new life for myself.

I deserve more. I am a kind, loving, smart and caring woman. I did not deserve a husband that cheated on me. And I don't deserve a man in my life who wants to be with someone else. He tells me loves me, that he is attracted to me and it feels like gravity is putting me in. It's my dysfunction that is pulling me in. It's that old pattern, that somehow I'll get someone to love me. WTF!!!!

I need to let go of this relationship and walk through all the anxiety that produces in me. I have to remind myself that I am strong - remind myself of the hell I have walked through the past 18 months. I don't know what else to do........

FaithFool posted 5/26/2014 13:43 PM

I pick men who are unavailable.

You're not alone in that one. I think they also tend to seek out vulnerable women who will LET them remain unavailable emotionally.

You may want to give yourself more time to heal before getting into any more relationships. Getting divorced and retooling your life is enough work.


MovingUpward posted 5/26/2014 13:44 PM


You seem to understand the aspects of your past as well as what lies ahead of you to be successful.

fraeuken posted 5/26/2014 14:04 PM

Getting an understanding of what and why you did this in the past gives you the tools to make better decisions in the future. And while it seems difficult to believe now, you know that you can get through it and come out okay on the other side.

I know where you are coming from... have the same core belief that I am not lovable, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not whatever enough... And I believe this coming from a loving home but I learned this behavior from years of being put down by my narcissistic XH. I take huge steps forward and then out of the blue I take some steps back - when I am criticized for something at work, when I feel I don't live up to my own expectations, when I compare myself to other women, when I get lonely at times because I don't have a shoulder to lean on.

No more beating up yourself, you are learning from your mistakes and you are growing. Baby steps, slow and steady will get you there as it does with so many of us.


Kajem posted 5/26/2014 14:46 PM

I need to let go of this relationship and walk through all the anxiety that produces in me. I have to remind myself that I am strong - remind myself of the hell I have walked through the past 18 months. I don't know what else to do........

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other in the direction of your goals, you WILL get there!

Ashland13 posted 5/26/2014 17:49 PM

You can do it, Dawn58!

I too, learned from counseling that my pattern is to pick those who need something fixed or sometimes those who I feel bad for and want to "save".

And she said because my parents were so controlling, it may be why I chose Perv, but didn't even realize it.

I have the same trouble with not feeling lovable and I don't feel attractive, I feel like hiding in the closet and keeping the shades shut lately.

I hope you will be ok. Congrats on your school work, it's a major feat!

One thing about selling the house, is that maybe some money will come. And another part that happened for me is to not have the connection with Perv anymore. It was a little bit lighter every day after the closing, though I had panic attacks when I first contemplated leaving.

One thing that helps me is to think of every step as a small one. I started living solely for today and it really helps. The future is smaller and the past doesn't really matter in the daily living.

Also, when I had to admit I had to find a new place, I did that very slowly, too. I called one apartment a day and then put it away. Or worked on one paper for class a day.

And for the relationship, at least a void where he was may be more calm than the turbulence of the current situation? But is so hard to let go. It can be like withdrawal almost.

I'm sorry. I faced each piece, too.

Dawn58 posted 5/27/2014 10:32 AM

Thank you all for your support.

With my STBX, he blamed me for the end of the marriage, pointed out all my defects and told me what a horrible wife I was. This guy, tells me that he loves me, his biggest fear is that he is going to lose me, that he can't be alone with me because of the strong emotional connection we share and the strong physical attractions he feels for me.

It was easier to cut off contact with my STBX because he was being such an a-hole. I am having a hard time with this guy because I keep feeling the pull back. Like the Moth drawn to the flame. But I don't want this pain in my life anymore.

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