Went to see my therapist on Friday. I feel so completely messed up. We uncovered a pattern, that I am repeating, again.
One of my core beliefs is that I am not lovable. I grew up in an abusive home, Mother was an alcoholic, my Dad was a wife beater.
I pick men who are unavailable. My first husband was an alcoholic. He got sober after we were married for five years, but had a horrible temper. Other things were always more important. Husband #2 - workaholic - he worked 16 hour days, his job always came first. Then he had the affair. I was tossed aside like yesterday's trash.
So now, I am in a relationship (?) with a guy who has fallen in love with somebody else. So, I get to relive all the rejection and feeling like I am not good enough again.
Why do I do this to myself? I feel like the moth drawn to the flame......
I don't need 2 x 4's now. I am already beating myself up enough.
I don't want this pain in my life anymore. I am starting to love myself and cherish myself. I have been separated from my cheating husband for 18 months. I filed for divorce because I don't want a man like him for a husband. We went to mediation over a month ago but he has yet to agree to the settlement. I have to sell my house, finish school, find a job and find a new home for myself. I am taking the steps to create a new life for myself.
I deserve more. I am a kind, loving, smart and caring woman. I did not deserve a husband that cheated on me. And I don't deserve a man in my life who wants to be with someone else. He tells me loves me, that he is attracted to me and it feels like gravity is putting me in. It's my dysfunction that is pulling me in. It's that old pattern, that somehow I'll get someone to love me. WTF!!!!
I need to let go of this relationship and walk through all the anxiety that produces in me. I have to remind myself that I am strong - remind myself of the hell I have walked through the past 18 months. I don't know what else to do........