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mamazen posted 5/26/2014 20:07 PM

…then I put it in reverse and ran into him again! LOL

I was at Costco today, and I saw the douche, absorbed in something. So I approached him and parked my cart very close to him, so he couldn't miss me (didn't want to surprise him). He backed up, his butt hit the cart, he barely looked at me and started walking away. (Actually he accused me of running into him). Now this behaviour is a HUGE trigger for me. He could have looked surprised and said hello (I have a feeling he saw me first and was avoiding me). I followed him, and he continued to walk away, gathering meat and things. I began to berate him, asking him how the whore was (I know, I know…I was triggered. ) I told him to call security since tattle-telling is his way of dealing with me. Eventually I insisted we sit on a patio swing, and we (well, I) talked---settlement is imminent, summer scheduling has to be done. I was not nice (understatement). He kept looking for an escape route. When he finally got up, he ---literally--- ran away down an aisle. (This behaviour was common in all our arguments).

One of the things I told him was that had he addressed me, looked at me, I wouldn't have been so nasty. He could have looked me in the eye and said he didn't want to talk to me now. He made me invisible the entire marriage, and I see now that I don't have to tolerate it. I deserve better.

He is classic passive-aggressive; it's not called "crazy-making behaviour" for nothing. We are textbook.

I hyperventilated on the way out, and had a breakdown in the car. I'm still recovering. I've got classic PTSD/PISD; not triggered as often anymore but when it comes, wow...

It's nice to be reminded of how better off I am; how horrible the marriage was. His true colors have truly been front-and-center through this whole thing.

And Saturday our son has a music recital we'll both be at. God help me.

StillLivin posted 5/26/2014 20:29 PM

I'm sorry, it is painful and provoking when they treat us like we are a nonentity.
However, I'm lmao at the picture in my head of you running him over with a shopping cart and chasing him down!
Now it's time to go back to 180.

southsidecali posted 5/27/2014 11:18 AM

That sounds painful. Have you done any work on your healing, figuring out how to change your reaction to him?

I understand it is somewhat soon, but you really need to focus on changing the dynamic of your interactions. Your only hurting yourself when you react that way.

I know it is hard but try and start working on YOU, dealing with the pain, rejection, hurt-running him down only temporarily releases that pent up hurt but ends up causing more damage.

suckstobeme posted 5/27/2014 12:59 PM

Wow. That sounds brutal.

That said, you have to try to learn from this and understand that he's not the guy who is going to give you what you want, ever, especially not in terms of an honest conversation. Passive-aggressive, conflict avoidant people are impossible nuts to crack and are best left to their own devices.

I know how you feel. My ex is just like that. In the early days, I used to just shout at him, "I MATTER", because he did his best to make me feel like I didn't anymore. I wanted to still have my spot at the top of his priority list and he made it real clear that I got knocked down in his mind to the very bottom. He never told the truth or apologized for destroying our family. He just blocked out my rants and stepped over me to get to what he wanted.

After a few times of struggling to get him to talk to me or even admit the A or show an emotion or say something about the state of our marriage, I stopped. Silence became golden. It's been almost 4 years and I've never spoken another word to him about what he did since I finally got confirmation that he was with OW and I told him he was dead to me. I now only talk about the kids when I have to. I filed for D and never told him it was coming. Trust me when I tell you, with people like this, your silence is your power.

Chasing this dude around Costco, smashing his cart with yours, and demanding that he sit and listen - that will never work. That's like smashing your hand in the car door every day and expecting that one day it will no longer hurt. It's insane. It's what is causing you to trigger and have more of a panic attack than you should because his behavior is reminding you that he's no longer the guy you married. You keep looking for that guy and he's just not there.

Listen, I understand that seeing him causes a lot of pain and a lot of anxiety. I rarely see my ex, but when I do, I take off my glasses so he's nothing more than a blurry blob. If you don't have that luxury, you have to find ways to cope to calm yourself down, focus on something else, and pretend that he's not there.

This is all about you and your healing now. Property settlements and summer scheduling should go through the attorneys if the D is in progress. If you don't have a lawyer, think about trying to hire one to finish this off. You're not in the right state of mind to have to negotiate or deal with him on these issues. Every conversation will revert back to the "relationship" and to OW and that's just not good for you.

NC is your best friend. If you can't handle seeing him at Costco, walk out and go again later. I don't find any shame whatsoever in avoiding those things that cause pain. There are some things, like your kid's concert, that you can't avoid and that sucks out loud, but you have to be there for your kid. Shopping with that douche in the same store - entirely avoidable and something you should avoid until you are much more removed from this situation and the dust has had a lot of time to settle.

NC = no new hurts. Repeat that until it sticks.

mamazen posted 5/27/2014 19:12 PM

Thanks for the wise words, everyone. I have been working on myself forever. I have an IC as well as a family therapist I see with the kids and sometimes alone. This speaking up for myself (admittedly, crazily), is actually progress for me. I swallowed so much passive-aggressive abuse, invisibility, during the marriage. I now see him for who he really is, and always was. But my need for a family, attachment, kept me in the M far longer than was good for me. I have told him that now we're apart I don't have to swallow it, and he's gonna hear what was buried for so long. I know it's not in my best interests; I'm get it. But the triggering is so powerful that I honestly have no capacity to step outside myself and filter---things just come out. It's a classic hyperarousal reaction of PTSD. I do avoid situations where I know this is possible. But seeing him unexpectedly just whammied me.

Maybe if I believed, knew, I mattered, I wouldn't have to scream it to him. It's giving him too much power.

You guys are da bomb. Thanks.

GingerAle posted 5/27/2014 19:30 PM

((((mamazen))))