We have been married for 14 years without children.
This has been an insanely difficult week. My WW is currently out of the country attending to her mother as she is fights stage IV cancer. She went to spend a few months with her as this might be the last time she gets to be with her.
This past Thursday--two weeks into my WW's trip-- my company said that they will be closing no later than the end of August. In the evening via Skype, I was discussing this with my WW and she--out of the blue--says she is not really sure about things in her life right now and that she might want to stay abroad. I know that before she left that she was torn about her work and we were trying to pursue options. I told that this might be a good time with my job and all for us to move out of the country. But she said she wasn't sure that that was what she wanted. I tried to get to the source of what was going on; however, she just said that she "needed to organize her thoughts".
She needed to go to the hospital for as her mother was going into surgery that day. Due to the time difference we decide to talk on Saturday morning. Needless to say my stress and anxiety levels shot through the roof that night and into the next day. Not being able to sleep the anxiety just festered. It was weird for me because I never get rattled and had trouble processing the emotions.
Saturday comes and we meet via Skype again. The first part of the conversation was 50 minutes long where there was very long periods of time with nothing said. She finally said that she had an A and wasn't sure that we should continue. I reacted without saying anything and tried to listen until I asked the normal BS questions looking for some understanding as this was the last thing that I thought was going to happen.
This Summer we have/had plans to go to a friends wedding (where she would come back) and then we would have a nice week long vacation ending up for two weeks in the country she is in for the Summer. She mentioned in this conversation that she was thinking to use the trip as a "trial" to see if she wants to still be together. And once again I was floored.
We have talked two other times since, this morning and tonight. I sent an email expressing my feelings about us and what she means and has meant to me and some other thoughts on what we might try to do. This was prior to the last two conversations; which was before I found this site and read about the 180.
The last two conversations could not have been more different. During the first, I tried to remain calm but was looking to establish myself as someone who would work hard to R and to save the M--again this was prior to the 180. The only regret was that at the end and out of no where I just began to crack and could stop crying.
The second conversation I made the concerted effort to reign everything in and calmly have a polite conversation about everything else going on there and here that seems to have gotten lost in the mix during this insanity. I could tell that she seemed taken aback by this and didn't know how or what to say. At the end of the talk she felt that she had to say something and said that she still isn't sure and that she still has to think about things. We left it at that.
I am still shattered and suffering from some tremendous anxiety...to the point of not really being able to do anything. I am trying to do other things like 180 says but it is incredibly difficult. At times it is even hard to breathe and I am even finding very difficult to work on job searches and resume updates. I don't even know what I should do about any and all of the trip in late June. I just feel lost and very alone. That's probably more than enough of my prattling.
Thanks for "listening".
It is hard to function when this is happening. Right now concentrate on drinking plenty of water, eating what you can (healthy) and try to rest. It is hard to concentrate on any thing else. The 180 will help you with that. In the mean time, look for any evidence you can find to keep should you need it. Telephone/text records, if you have access to her email accounts, credit cards etc.
Consider finances if you have shared accounts. If she is going through this you are not sure what you can trust her with. I split our account 50/50 because he was not longer the man I used to know.
Keep reading, and keep posting. It does get easier, but it is one of the hardest things you will ever go through.
K, couple of things. Are you funding her in any way? Time to stop. Yes, I full well realize that she's over there to deal with a sick/dying mother. Let the OM take care of that now. You only have 3 months of employment left. Start conserving funds. Let WW figure out a way to pay for it.
Please, you're married, this
This Summer we have/had plans to go to a friends wedding (where she would come back) and then we would have a nice week long vacation ending up for two weeks in the country she is in for the Summer. She mentioned in this conversation that she was thinking to use the trip as a "trial" to see if she wants to still be together.
doesn't even come up on the radar. She is in another country, with another man. Use the trip as a *trial*? Nope, use the trip home as a time to see the judge. File for D. None of this is *real* to her. Make it so. Start focusing on yourself. Pick up some hobbies. Start working out, build your resume. Apply for one of those 100k+ oil jobs in ND. Anything but beg her.
The second conversation I made the concerted effort to reign everything in and calmly have a polite conversation about everything else going on there and here that seems to have gotten lost in the mix during this insanity. I could tell that she seemed taken aback by this and didn't know how or what to say. At the end of the talk she felt that she had to say something and said that she still isn't sure and that she still has to think about things.
What do you think her response will be when she has to operate without a safety net?
There is a phrase that gets used regularly on SI - "you can't 'nice' your WS back". By being nice (and caring and understanding) all you will do is show her that you're okay with being her doormat. She has made a decision to step out of your marriage and that means that she has left the safety and security of the M behind and the 180 will show her this. She needs to see the gravity of the decision she is trying to make so that she can make an informed decision.
Her mother's illness must be really tough on her but don't feel that you are abandoning her in her time of need - she's taken the liberty of making that decision for you by having an A. You are not abandoning her, she has pushed you away and shown you, by her actions, that she doesn't need/want your support. I know that this is really tough to do but she needs to see that all the good stuff is tied into the marriage and is only available to her when she is totally committed to the marriage. When you step out of your marriage you're on your own!
You have been married for 14 years - a two week vacation 'trial' isn't even worth your consideration right now. What could she possibly gain in those two weeks, without the strains and stresses of day-to-day life, that would change her current perspective on your marriage? Remember that all of the good stuff is tied into the marriage, no commitment = no good stuff. She needs to understand exactly what she's leaving behind.
I would go hard 180, cancel the vacation (or let her know that you will go by yourself) and start talking to lawyers about filing (remember that you can change your mind at any time after you've filed).
[This message edited by Credence at 3:15 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)]
Sending you strength.