I asked him and he denied it. He said if he was horny, he would have ejaculated each time and he says there were a lot of times he couldn’t. I asked him if he was addicted to sex, and he denied it.
But now I am left with a really uneasy feeling and I wondered if anyone else has ever thought to themselves, If it was “just sex” does that mean he was “just too horny”?
Who is this man I have been married to over a quarter of a century? Is he truly that horny?
I hate the words “It was just sex”. Makes me cry so hard. I am just feeling so low today.
My WH and OW had sex at work on work time in the break room. She was so classy as to wear crotchless panties to work (they clean for a living) how weird and trashy is that?
WH told me that they "just couldnt help themselves".
I hate them both.
IMHO - "it was just sex" is a cop out. It's easier for your WH to say this, rather than get to the root of the real problem.
His actions are his, and they are not a reflection on you at all. He needs to do the work to find out the "why". It's not as simple as "it was just sex." If that was the case, why didn't he just have sex with his wife?
I'm really sorry you are hurting. Again, this is just my opinion, and I'm definitely no expert...
sending you strength today!
Together 8 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
Sorry, but it's not that simplistic. I know that FWH thinks that this somehow makes it better as he never was "in love" with the APs. Still, he had two LTA's so there was some sort of sick relationship formed.
What bothers me the most with the whole "just sex" thing is that he was willing to risk everything for it. Do they delude themselves into thinking it's harmless? I think they do as a way to give themselves permission to cheat. It isn't until they see the impact it has on their marriage that they start to realize what's at stake.
I've shed many tears over this, and probably still will. I'm sorry that you're feeling down over this. Hopefully you'll have some bright spots today. ((((HUGS)))
Is he in IC? I know at the beginning my H had no clue why he did what he did and he thought it was due to "horniness" After many IC appointments he began to see the true why and realized that the "just sex" was an attempt at filling a hole that actually had nothing to do with sexuality. Anyway, everyone's why's are different but they need to be discovered and healed.
I don't believe it means he was just horny either though. I remember reading studies about how often men think about sex compared to women and it's astonishing, but if that's the case they're not all running around cheating either so just being horny is a lame excuse. My H had sex at home all the time, yet still whored himself to these people because he wanted attention and to hear how great he was....ego boosting and validation addiction, he wanted escape from reality more than he wanted sex. He didn't care who they were or if he was attracted to them, he was too numb and emotionless about himself at the time to give a damn. He wasn't after the sex, so much as to fill this feeling of being a lowlife by acting like one. Anyways, point being that the there can be so many factors as to their why and I think just being horny is too simplistic, I would hope it's something deeper and he's not just that entitled but there certainly are cases of that too.
It could be the 'high' of sneaking around, doing something you shouldn't, getting the ego boost from someone could be bigger factors than the sex itself. But if it was just about the sex itself I think what he's telling you is that there was no emotion attached and he thinks that makes it better somehow....it doesn't. You need to explain to him how damaging his words are to you. Maybe he genuinely just doesn't get it. I would say something to my H (everyone is different though) about how when he says it's just sex he is downplaying the damage and betrayal. That just sex was something we agreed would be between us only for the rest of our lives. That if he is saying it because there was no emotional connection, then say 'there was nothing there emotionally' instead of saying it was 'just' anything...the word Just attempts to minimalize the pain and suffering he has caused. Hopefully it's just how he's describing the lack of emotional connection that is the issue, but I have read stories on here where the WS seemed to feel that sex is something that can be done outside the M as long as there's no emotion attached...if that is his point of view it's important you know that. I've had to steer the communication of my H a few times as well. He tells me he's just not good with words as I am and he says things in a way I misunderstand. Hoping for your sake it's something along these lines and he just means there was no emotion.
This resonated with me, as My W's A was at the office too. Just sex? Horny? Both major copouts. IMO, both mean NO REMORSE. He is trying to minimize, which is normal. Unfortunately, it minimizes the commitment he had not the offense. Tell him he just needs to take full ownership and stop telling you those words which are meaningless to you. Saying it was just this or that is him NOT taking responsibility. What if he needs "just sex" again? Call him to the carpet, you don't deserve this treatment.
Sorry you are going through this. I have low days too. Recently many. Please know that there will be better days ahead.
Reconciled; Sometimes still have hard days, but getting by. Still dealing with feelings I buried,but finally getting them out.
Why did he choose to "just have sex" in the first place? Its the same as saying it was a "mistake", "I didn't mean to hurt you" - all those things.
"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive" - CS Lewis
PS: the day I ever have to sink so low as to meet some married guy in his backseat at lunchtime so he can use me for a receptical is the day I pray someone takes me behind the freakin barn and shoots me. Right between the eyes.