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Does It was just Sex = I was just Horny

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byefornow posted 5/27/2014 07:30 AM

I have had a hard weekend this past weekend. A lot of triggers, a lot of crying and a lot of pain.
My WH often tells me “it was just sex” when I talk to him about the affair. This weekend as I lay in bed alone thinking, I wondered does “it was just sex” translate to “I was just horny”.
So, my WH had an office affair – most of it (if not ALL of it) was done during office hours – normal office hours. They had sex in his office, cars at lunch time, breakfast time, etc. So incredibly classy...
When I stop and think on this it makes me physically ill. But, this weekend I stopped and thought does this just mean he couldn’t keep his pecker in his pants? like seriously, was he just horny as hell? Is that what he means/saying to me when he says “this was just sex”?

I asked him and he denied it. He said if he was horny, he would have ejaculated each time and he says there were a lot of times he couldn’t. I asked him if he was addicted to sex, and he denied it.
But now I am left with a really uneasy feeling and I wondered if anyone else has ever thought to themselves, If it was “just sex” does that mean he was “just too horny”?
Who is this man I have been married to over a quarter of a century? Is he truly that horny?
I hate the words “It was just sex”. Makes me cry so hard. I am just feeling so low today.

heartbroken2012 posted 5/27/2014 07:35 AM

I dont have any words of wisdom. I wish I had.

My WH and OW had sex at work on work time in the break room. She was so classy as to wear crotchless panties to work (they clean for a living) how weird and trashy is that?

WH told me that they "just couldnt help themselves".

I hate them both.

4everfaithful83 posted 5/27/2014 07:39 AM

Hey byefornow - sorry you are in pain today!

IMHO - "it was just sex" is a cop out. It's easier for your WH to say this, rather than get to the root of the real problem.

His actions are his, and they are not a reflection on you at all. He needs to do the work to find out the "why". It's not as simple as "it was just sex." If that was the case, why didn't he just have sex with his wife?

I'm really sorry you are hurting. Again, this is just my opinion, and I'm definitely no expert...

sending you strength today!

rachelc posted 5/27/2014 07:45 AM

It was just sex is a cruel way to minimize....
Don't accept that as a why or an answer.

deena04 posted 5/27/2014 08:22 AM

Do not accept this answer! It's a lame ass excuse!

LivinginLimbo posted 5/27/2014 08:24 AM

I heard "It was just sex. I always loved you and never meant to hurt you."

Sorry, but it's not that simplistic. I know that FWH thinks that this somehow makes it better as he never was "in love" with the APs. Still, he had two LTA's so there was some sort of sick relationship formed.

What bothers me the most with the whole "just sex" thing is that he was willing to risk everything for it. Do they delude themselves into thinking it's harmless? I think they do as a way to give themselves permission to cheat. It isn't until they see the impact it has on their marriage that they start to realize what's at stake.

I've shed many tears over this, and probably still will. I'm sorry that you're feeling down over this. Hopefully you'll have some bright spots today. ((((HUGS)))

byefornow posted 5/27/2014 08:24 AM

thanks everyone. I am just trying to make some sense of this whole stupid situation.
I will not think this way anymore.
thanks again.

Morhurt posted 5/27/2014 09:16 AM

I agree with others, he's attempting to minimize the hurt and damage, most likely to protect himself. There is no place for the word just post DDay.

Is he in IC? I know at the beginning my H had no clue why he did what he did and he thought it was due to "horniness" After many IC appointments he began to see the true why and realized that the "just sex" was an attempt at filling a hole that actually had nothing to do with sexuality. Anyway, everyone's why's are different but they need to be discovered and healed.

tired girl posted 5/27/2014 09:39 AM

I can tell you that this was something that I said to HL in the aftermath of what I did. Was it an attempt to minimize what I did? Yes. I was also attempting to tell him that what I did with that person in no way compared to what him and I had. That I gave that person no part of myself during sex. And that was exactly what I told HL. That during sex that person never touched any part of my soul or what made me who I am. That that part of me would always be reserved for him. I never expected that to make it any better for him, however I did want him to know that there was nothing shared on an intimacy level. Don't know if that helps you or not.

sunvalley posted 5/27/2014 09:44 AM

Just to put a bit of a different perspective on it, my H had affairs with old ugly women he wasn't attracted to. The 'it was just sex' comment is something I could see him thinking (although thankfully he's never said it to me) as a way of explaining that there was no emotional attachment. Hopefully that is the angle your H is trying to get at by saying this, but it's insensitive to your emotions. "Just sex" is very damaging, "just sex" can be life threatening and unsafe. He is minimizing the hurt and suffering he has caused you by saying that.

I don't believe it means he was just horny either though. I remember reading studies about how often men think about sex compared to women and it's astonishing, but if that's the case they're not all running around cheating either so just being horny is a lame excuse. My H had sex at home all the time, yet still whored himself to these people because he wanted attention and to hear how great he was....ego boosting and validation addiction, he wanted escape from reality more than he wanted sex. He didn't care who they were or if he was attracted to them, he was too numb and emotionless about himself at the time to give a damn. He wasn't after the sex, so much as to fill this feeling of being a lowlife by acting like one. Anyways, point being that the there can be so many factors as to their why and I think just being horny is too simplistic, I would hope it's something deeper and he's not just that entitled but there certainly are cases of that too.

It could be the 'high' of sneaking around, doing something you shouldn't, getting the ego boost from someone could be bigger factors than the sex itself. But if it was just about the sex itself I think what he's telling you is that there was no emotion attached and he thinks that makes it better doesn't. You need to explain to him how damaging his words are to you. Maybe he genuinely just doesn't get it. I would say something to my H (everyone is different though) about how when he says it's just sex he is downplaying the damage and betrayal. That just sex was something we agreed would be between us only for the rest of our lives. That if he is saying it because there was no emotional connection, then say 'there was nothing there emotionally' instead of saying it was 'just' anything...the word Just attempts to minimalize the pain and suffering he has caused. Hopefully it's just how he's describing the lack of emotional connection that is the issue, but I have read stories on here where the WS seemed to feel that sex is something that can be done outside the M as long as there's no emotion attached...if that is his point of view it's important you know that. I've had to steer the communication of my H a few times as well. He tells me he's just not good with words as I am and he says things in a way I misunderstand. Hoping for your sake it's something along these lines and he just means there was no emotion.

byefornow posted 5/27/2014 20:51 PM

I had a pretty crappy day today. I just came in tonight and read the responses again and they all make sense. And thank younsunvalley for words to help me express what I was thinking. He is trying to say "no emotions attached" but keeps saying it the wrong way. He knows how I am hurting. And in all honesty he is trying. I am not sure we are anywhere near figuring this whole mess out at 8 months post DDay. How incredibly sad...

titanfour posted 5/27/2014 21:46 PM


This resonated with me, as My W's A was at the office too. Just sex? Horny? Both major copouts. IMO, both mean NO REMORSE. He is trying to minimize, which is normal. Unfortunately, it minimizes the commitment he had not the offense. Tell him he just needs to take full ownership and stop telling you those words which are meaningless to you. Saying it was just this or that is him NOT taking responsibility. What if he needs "just sex" again? Call him to the carpet, you don't deserve this treatment.

Sorry you are going through this. I have low days too. Recently many. Please know that there will be better days ahead.

KatieG posted 5/28/2014 06:26 AM

I'm so sorry he is doing that. He is trying to minimise it and sweep it away. My WBF justified his A by saying he had fallen in love, no excuses help - the only way is to explore the WHY.

Why did he choose to "just have sex" in the first place? Its the same as saying it was a "mistake", "I didn't mean to hurt you" - all those things.

devasted30 posted 5/28/2014 06:34 AM

Perhaps they should just say, "it was just illicit sex" because isn't that what is was? The fun of it being "naughty" of "getting away with it" I believe in a lot of cases, it was just sex. But, they are too afraid to tell us that it was all the excitement of the planning, the hiding, the illicitness of it all. That's what they craved. And the can't/won't admit that because it proves how disgusting they really were. IMHO

roseglasses posted 5/28/2014 08:44 AM

I also didn't understand this statement my WH told me, until we had another heart to heart talk. Sometimes when we keep digging for answers, they will eventually emerge. My WH finally told me that with the other woman, he could think dirty thoughts with her because she meant nothing to him and he could do as he pleases. He said that he could not be with me sexually the way he wants to sometimes because his fantasies are perverted. Being his wife, and mother of his son blocks him from being with me like this. I told him that I thought we had great sex, and he said yes, for most of the time, but there are times when he needs this other fulfillment. I guess this is an insight into the minds of some men and their deep perversions. Maybe your WH has this same issue, I don't know the answers, Im still crying too.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/28/2014 10:36 AM

ByeForNow, having quickies in the car at lunchtime or on someone's desk before everyone else gets in the office is about as far away from 'love' as I can imagine. It sounds like this OW was stupid enough and desperate enough to provide the opportunity to him so he took it. And yes, there are plenty of men who'll take it if it's available to them - and it doesn't have anything to do with 'love.'

PS: the day I ever have to sink so low as to meet some married guy in his backseat at lunchtime so he can use me for a receptical is the day I pray someone takes me behind the freakin barn and shoots me. Right between the eyes.

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