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Please talk me down.

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GingerAle posted 5/27/2014 09:12 AM

Ok, first of all, I need a 2x4. My NPD STBXWH moved out 3 weeks ago doesn't realize that I know the password to his FB acct. Every once in a while, I give in to the urge and check it out. Bad idea, I know. Anyhow, some creepy guy he used to work with is very eager to set my STBX with his niece and last night my STBX set up a date with her. Of course he tells me how he misses me and has no desire to date and makes the kids feel sorry for him being alone.

So, my problem is, I want to tell him I know. I mean, he dated during our marriage so this doesn't surprise me, but it's just that urge to let him know that I know. But I realize I can't. What do I tell myself to stop this desire to tell him? And stop snooping?!

Also, over the weekend, I got both of my kids (13 & 15) back from him in tears because he made them feel sorry for him. He is sick and he absolutely loves pity. I cannot stand him!!

suckstobeme posted 5/27/2014 09:41 AM

Well, you tell yourself that you now have even more proof that he's a filthy, manipulative liar. Snooping is only going to give you more proof of that and, honestly, no good will come from it.

Don't tell him that you know the latest. It doesn't matter. You are divorcing and the A was a deal breaker long before this idiot and his niece ever came along. If there was a chance at R or you were talking about it, then you would have to somehow let him know that you know he's full of shit. Since I don't see where R is anywhere near the table, don't bother. Liars lie and cheaters cheat.

None of the stuff that happens after the fact matters. It only hurts if you keep looking. Remember how you feel right now - pissed off, sad, confused - and keep thinking of that the next time you want to log on to see what he's been up to.

As far as the kids go, get them into counseling - they will need help navigating through his manipulation and you will need guidance on how to handle their moods when they come home. That's the only thing to do now - don't look to him to help you with any of this. Look to the outside - friends, family, SI, and professionals - he will only make all of this worse.

I'm sorry you're upset. It sucks. But, stick to NC and the matter at hand. Who he dates is irrelevant now, just like his empty words.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/27/2014 10:32 AM

I know it's tempting to ask him to change his password or something, but DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SOURCES. You may get caught trying to snoop anyway. I set up my Facebook to log me out of everywhere, and it sent me an email when any new device tried to log on. Caught my ex doing that.

I think the snooping helps. You SEE that he's manipulating you. There's no more doubt that he's been lying to your face. But DO NOT tell him you know. IT DOESN'T MATTER and can only get you into trouble. You DO NOT want him back right now anyway, and so there is no reason to contact him. Just 180 and IGNORE him.

And try very hard not to look, and picture that he can see when you do. You've got better things to do than see what he's up to with his new flavor of the week. It is NOT a reflection on YOU. Don't let his actions depress you at all. HE'S A DOUCHE. Drop that guy like a hot potato and focus on you and your kids.

Gemini71 posted 5/27/2014 16:20 PM

I'd be awfully tempted to show up at his 'date' by 'accident'.

nowiknow23 posted 5/27/2014 16:26 PM

((((kiddos)))) I know the impulse to say, "I see what you really are." Unfortunately, it doesn't gain you anything. And honey? You know looking at his stuff doesn't gain you anything, either. When you're ready to stop, you'll stop. I hope for your sake that's soon.

GingerAle posted 5/27/2014 17:10 PM

Thank you all so much. I appreciate your advice and encouragement so much! Today has been horrible... I have felt depressed for the first time in 3 weeks. No more pain shopping for me. I don't need anymore proof of what he is, I've known for ages. I can't wait to go to bed and start fresh tomorrow

nowiknow23 posted 5/27/2014 17:19 PM

Sounds like a good plan, hon.

GingerAle posted 5/27/2014 21:37 PM

Decided I needed a good cry-out tonight. It just hurts so much to realize that you have never meant a thing to someone you loved for 18 years and had children with. That I am completely disposable to him.

Also wanted to thank everyone, again. I love all of you and am beyond thankful for SI.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/28/2014 10:18 AM

But you are NOT disposable to tons of people, including those kiddos.

Please don't let his opinion of you affect your opinion of yourself. Be strong and brave and proud of yourself.

Sending hugs..

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