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PurpleLilac posted 5/27/2014 09:15 AM

I don't post a lot, staying off radar, but I read daily.

WH left in Jan because I gave the ultimatium. He chose her "friendship". All these months have been a horrific roller coaster of learning additional hurts (same relationship) and surviving. I've finally disengaged and am doing pretty awesome. Ready to move on. NOW he is ready for commitment to us again. "he is at my mercy" according to him. I find I'm not interested. I'm ready to be independent. He is putting the pressure on in a big way. Days of crying for me. I have been trained to accommodate and fix his problems. So the pressure and guilt are immense. F'ed up, right? He wants me to try to see how he's changed. Then leave if I still want to. I'm ready now, don't want to babysit him and certainly dont trust.

Any thoughts, experiences you can share would be so appreciated. Thanks..

Dreamboat posted 5/27/2014 09:21 AM

I'm not interested.

Tell him "Too little, too late. You had your chance and you blew it. I have moved on. buh-bye!"

nowiknow23 posted 5/27/2014 09:42 AM

Have you read up on hoovering, honey? There's a thread about it in General. I'll look for it and bump if I can find it.

Long story short, he's putting the pressure on PRECISELY because he can feel that you've disengaged. He's trying to pull you back into his orbit again. It's textbook hoovering.

You don't owe him any explanation. "No" is a complete sentence. So is "Fuck off."


ETA: I bumped a thread on Hoovering in the General forum for you.

[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 9:44 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)]

GingerAle posted 5/27/2014 11:01 AM

When you're done, you're done. You don't owe him anything. Enjoy your independence!

one2ndchance posted 5/27/2014 13:03 PM

Why his change of heart? OW not all he thought she was?

He wants me to try to see how he's changed. Then leave if I still want to.

This would be laughable if it weren't so transparent. Of course, he'll be on his best behavior.
I have been trained to accommodate and fix his problems.

My STBX was wonderful for the first 7 years of R. Then when the marriage hit a rough spot, he goes out looking. This is what happens when your H is weak, lacks introspection, and is used to having his problems fixed for him.

I blame myself for giving him a second chance. After d-day #1, I realized deep in my heart that he did not share the same moral values as I did. Does yours?

ButterflyGirl posted 5/27/2014 13:17 PM

My ex tried hoovering a few months after we separated and I filed for divorce. Sent me flowers on Valentine's Day.

I kept the flowers a day before learning he was still talking to her. I told him the complete sentence of "Fuck off."

There's no use laying down the rules again when they aren't doing the basics on their own.

Like you, babysitting and playing detective were not worth it to me to "see" if he was finally telling the truth THIS time.. Not interested.. Fool me twice, shame on me..

I got better things to do..

IrishGirlVA posted 5/27/2014 14:43 PM

Yup, I had a similar conversation with my ex. When he came back asking for another shot I said, "When you did what you did, you forced me to get used to you not being around. And guess what? I GOT USED TO IT!".

Honestly, these men did us a favor. It took us a while to realize it but with distance comes clarity. It sounds to me as if you have found your clarity and know that you do not need him. I imagine you may also feel relief sometimes that he is out of your life.

He may be at your mercy now but will you be at his again one day?

I understand the feelings of pressure and guilt. However, when you start feeling them, remember how he left you crying for days. What did he do for you then? Turn those feelings into anger and remember that you do not owe him anything at this point.

In my experience, I think back on my ex and am thankful things turned out the way they did. I'm a happier person because of it and I wouldn't trade my independence in for anything right now!

SBB posted 5/27/2014 15:31 PM

If my some miracle he has pulled his head out of his arse he'll do the work whether or not R is on the table. I say miracle because it is rarer than hens teeth.

Keep up the 180/NC. Don't give him a chance to speak to you. Don't even let him plant these little parasites in your head. You are destabilised because it is destabilising.

I was Hoovered and fell for it hook, line and sinker. I now realise he laid it on thick because DDOW dumped him and he didn't have a viable back up at that point. He was alone and afraid. FTG.

Here's the Hoovering thread NIK mentions. This act is straight out of the Cheaters Handbook. Follow through is zero to none.

Ignore his pretty words - watch his actions. Remind yourself that there is nothing stopping him from taking action - if it is contingent on R then he's only doing it to win you back, not to fix WTFever is wrong with him.

caregiver9000 posted 5/27/2014 15:52 PM

Actions meet consequences...

Classic wayward move of hoovering. He is losing your attention and he doesn't like it.

Keep moving forward!!

Pass posted 5/27/2014 16:01 PM

I'm not a priest, so I may be overstepping my authority, but I absolve you of all guilt. You don't owe him a second chance. You don't owe him fuck-all.

Does that help?

PurpleLilac posted 5/27/2014 21:13 PM


Thank you all for the replies and the link. It's just the support I needed.

one2ndchance: why now? Don't know what's going on with OW, he can tell I've disengaged, I guess he's panicked the long term plan is crumbling.

Xanaxvictim posted 5/27/2014 22:31 PM

My WH is doing the same thing. It's amazing how similar WS all act when we are ready to move on. I like to think my WH is different and maybe he is really changing. But I know deep down its a Hail Mary.

I'm sending strength your way. I know how hard it can be to resist the urge to give them another chance. I told my WH my heart cannot handle being broke again, if I give him another chance and he blows it.

My BFF told me the other day to keep a rubber band on my wrist. Whenever I think off giving in, snap it, HARD. To remind myself how he hurt me.

dmari posted 5/27/2014 23:28 PM

Honestly, these men did us a favor. It took us a while to realize it but with distance comes clarity.
IrishGirlVA said it perfectly but we don't need to thank them for the favor.

I have been trained to accommodate and fix his problems.
You can join me in codependency 101 class. He KNOWS this about you which is why he is using this tactic.

Let's just say hens have teeth (shout out to SBB ), then you will SEE the change regardless if you separate, divorce or reconcile. It sounds like you have worked on your healing and you should continue to focus on what is best and healthy for YOU.

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