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Paranoias and insecurities are driving me crazy!

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needfriendshere posted 5/27/2014 10:14 AM

O.K. So it has "only" been 3 and 1/2 months and maybe it is normal to feel the way I do, but I really feel like my insecurities have led to paranoia, and my paranoia is making me crazy!

So my H hooked up with his "6-year" AP after she found him on LinkedIn. What started as a professional dialogue exploded into a romantic and very passionate relationship. So now my H is sending me copies of e-mails he is exchanging with a woman whose podcast he was inspired by about a month ago. He told her he was "moved" by what she had shared and now they are exchanging ideas. In fact, she is beginning her next podcast with a quote from her "friend" - him! He told me not to worry and reminded me that he is sending me copies of their e-mail exchanges, thus being completely transparent.

Am I crazy to be upset here? No, she does not live in our state. But neither did the other woman and that did not stop him from seeing her every other week during the last 6 months of their "A"! The thing is, my H travels A LOT on business - trips that take him all over the U.S. and other parts of the world So she could live in Timbuktu and, if he really wanted to, he could see her.

My H's relationship with his AP used to consume his time when he was not actually with her. They texted all day, every day. I see the potential for a nasty pattern here. I absolutely HATE that I feel this way. I was actually shaking inside when I read his e-mails - which right now are very professional - to this new friend. I was never like this before he turned my life upside down in February. Am I over-reacting? He is, after all, sending me the texts. Please help!

TheIrishGirl posted 5/27/2014 10:28 AM

You're not crazy. You're in the middle of a mess that he created. If he's committed to you and R, he needs to respect your feelings and wishes. Part of his penance is to make sure you feel safe in your relationship, and if that means cutting this woman off just to make you feel better he needs to do it. It also often means you get his passwords and logins to email, linked in, Facebook, what have you.

Maybe you should have a discussion regarding the boundaries you need him to operate within when dealing with the opposite sex. That doesn't mean that you get forwarded copies of their correspondence- he has control of what gets forwarded and what doesn't (or what gets edited before forwarding for that matter).

needfriendshere posted 5/27/2014 10:41 AM

TheIrishGirl, you touch on something that I have not done yet, partly out of fear, of all things. I do not have access to his cell phone password. And that's where it looks like most of his conversations take place. And you're right about our spouses editing texts before "sending" them to us. The last e-mail he sent me from this other woman had no closing remarks in it, which I found odd. It kind of broke off suddenly. Now, maybe she really did end it that way. But look where my mind goes!! Yes, TIG, he and I need to have another "fun" talk...Thanks so much for your input here!

woundedby2 posted 5/27/2014 23:44 PM


I do not have access to his cell phone password.

This needs to be corrected. You should have all of his passwords.

He told me not to worry

Well, that's BS. His poor choices have led you to feel insecure and to worry. Don't be afraid to state your needs. If he truly wants to save your M, then he will do what you are asking and be supportive of your emotional needs.

(((nfh)))

BreatheAgain10 posted 5/28/2014 00:24 AM

Nope! Needfriendshere, you are absolutely NOT crazy or paranoid! You have been crushed by your WS's actions and him being chummy with ANY other female is gonna absolutely make you feel uneasy. I, to this day, would NOT want my fWH getting chummy with ANY female outside our family... That's a privilege lost after too many DDays...
I used to be fine with him having plenty of female friends but now we only have mutual female friends and their only communication is when I'm around. No private friendships with women. And he's OK with that since he understands what it has lead him to do in the past. Out of respect for my marriage, I don't get chummy and txt other men.
Your fWH should be sensitive to the fact that you are waay too freshly hurt to be forced to watch him get close to ANY other female other than family. Your feelings are perfectly normal and HE'S causing them!
He needs to stop putting you thru ANY discomfort until YOU say it's ok.

needfriendshere posted 5/28/2014 13:46 PM

Breatheagain and all, thank you so much for helping me to realize that I am not losing my mind. Because it truly feels like it so much of the time. Not being able to stand my H texting ANY woman is just the tip of the iceberg. We were watching season 1 of the Sopranos this past week and I couldn't breathe watching some of the scenes between Tony and his OW. There are songs that make me cringe because I know my H began to like those bands because of his AP. My sleep has been poisoned by dreams of him with "her". I wake up and want to hit him. Or I wake up in tears. And here's a strange one that I can't wrap my head around: I can not stand being around his mother - at all. I feel like I am going to vomit or faint when we spend time with her. Yup, this whole things messes with us big time, doesn't it? Again, I thank you all for helping me to realize I am not alone...

tushnurse posted 5/29/2014 09:24 AM

TheIrishGirl, you touch on something that I have not done yet, partly out of fear, of all things. I do not have access to his cell phone password. And that's where it looks like most of his conversations take place. And you're right about our spouses editing texts before "sending" them to us. The last e-mail he sent me from this other woman had no closing remarks in it, which I found odd. It kind of broke off suddenly. Now, maybe she really did end it that way. But look where my mind goes!! Yes, TIG, he and I need to have another "fun" talk...Thanks so much for your input here!

Not OK YOU absolutely have the right to be in/on his phone, email, and any other form of possible communication. If he balks at that you have a red flag.

You also are not paranoid or insecure. You know he cheated by walking down a similar path, and you would be a fool to not feel that this path would not lead to the same result. It's actions that matter, words are just garbage from WS's at this point. They mean nothing.

He needs some firm boundaries, and you need to quit acting out of fear, and act from a place of asking for the respect you deserve. If you continue to act out of the fear of what can happen, then you will most assuredly get hurt again.

He needs to know that you don't have any trust in him, and that his words mean nothing. It's his job to earn that back by being completely and totally transparent in his actions. If he isn't then you have to instill some serious consequences, if you don't then he will continue to bend the rules a little more, a little more, a little more, until suddenly he is disregarding every boundary and hard stop that you have.

You deserve more, if you aren't getting it, demand it, if he can't give it, he isn't worth it. You should never allow yourself to be someones second choice.

(((and strength))))

needfriendshere posted 5/29/2014 11:12 AM

Tushnurse, there is wisdom in your words: "if you don't then he will continue to bend the rules a little more, a little more, a little more, until suddenly he is disregarding every boundary and hard stop that you have".

I read what you said here and realized you are 100% correct. I need access to that dreaded cell phone - the one frontier I have not yet explored. It is on his cell phone that my H texted her every day all day for 6 years, sent her pictures of himself when they could not be together, etc. He has been pretty transparent with everything else. I tell you though, I will definitely need a LOT of virtual hugs after seeing what has been going on there. Unless he has deleted it all. But still... He SAYS he has stopped all communication with the new Blog woman. We shall see...

Thanks for your advice - it is always welcome. BTW, I am so happy to see that you and your H are completely R'd and are very happy. This is so encouraging! {{{tushnurse}}}

Lionne posted 5/29/2014 11:22 AM

The others are right. And I'm adding this...

He's cultivating and nurturing a friendship with some STRANGER, getting and giving ego kibbles to her. He SHOULD be nurturing YOU, you, who he hurt and betrayed,

That's where his energy should be directed!!!!

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