SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Hi. I have been lurking on here for the past 3 months but have finally signed up and decided to post.

I found out that I had an STD on Feb 13th which ultimately to my shock lead to the discovery of my unfaithful husband. He claims he needed a boost and some attention so it started off by online dating sites, then flirting with collegues, then sending inappropriate messages to some "friendly" clients, and in between there one instance lead to a PA. When he got "caught" I found at least 2 OW he was inappropriately messaging. He tried to cover up where he could, he lied threw his teeth, the first bit was hell. I felt I had to pry truth out of him and at that, I think it was still sugar coated. He told me that our marriage is what he wants, that I am his soul mate, and he can't imagine life without me and has begun IC. I am also in IC to help deal with this pain.

He has broke the NC rule 2ce that I know of in the past 2 months, he has come clean and told me both times. He said it was strictly professional since these are clients and one is someone who was doing work for him (he runs his own company). I told him to show me proof then and he said it was via text and he deleted the message but promises and swears up and down that there was nothing there. I told him that the NC rule is NEVER to be broken again - I dont care if he loses clients and that other girl loses work...he has agreed and supposedly is now not in contact with them.

My question here that I am trying to get to is, what rules/conditions did you set up to provide yourself with a sense of security? What books did you read and share with your spouse?

The last thing I want to do is rug sweep, and my H seems to keep doing that. He keeps trying to go down the easy path... but I can't and won't. Did any of your H's do this and finally step it up at some point. We are 3 months from D-Day, and he sees his therapist biweekly.

For me, it was simple. I had deal-breakers, my lines in the sand.

1. Any contact between my husband and the OW that I was not informed about.

2. Another A or evidence of.

Either of those and I would pack my bags and leave.

Not deal-breakers so much, but I needed the following.

Access to all social media, phone, email.

Knowledge of where he was at all times.

No socializing with any former friends/people who were not friends of the marriage.

Open honest answers to my questions.

IC/MC

An understanding that he invited bat-shit-crazy into our lives and until it was conquered he would have to step up and put up with it. No defensive responses or attitude allowed.

They have to give themselves up completely to healing in order to produce a safe environment for the BS to heal.

We need to be able to feel our emotions, hurt, be angry, sad lonely....and know we are in a place that it's safe to do so.

So what you need today may not be what you need tomorrow. Your husband just needs to walk along side you and take each turn as you need it.

1. No contact with either OW. Ever. For any reason.
2. No friendships with people who were not also friends of our marriage.
3. No new female friendships period.
4. All access to all email and social networking passwords and his phone.