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How important is mc to recovery?

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CantBeUndone posted 5/27/2014 11:36 AM

I'm nearly 5 months from dd and my bh isn't interested in mc. We did go once days from dd but it was a disaster. It was too soon amd we saw my ic who I had been seeing for 6ish months. We should've seen someone new and impartial. Anyway, since then we haven't seen anyone because my bh doesn't think therapy is useful. He's honestly been amazing since dd, much better than I deserve. But it's a struggle and I think he just feels stuck with me. He made a comment today that going forward he's either stuck with a cheating wife or a broken family and both are depressing. There's nothing I can really say to that, he's right but I don't believe that the future has to be miserable.

I don't see him changing his mind but feel like we're struggling with communication. And I don't know what to do or how to help him. Can we get through this without counseling?

tfkeel posted 5/27/2014 12:10 PM

Counseling only helps those who want to go. And, if your BH doesn't believe it will help, it won't.

Besides, there are many forms of "counseling", self-help, support groups, just talking to friends, etc.

I can remember how I felt about 6 months out from DD. It wasn't largely different than your H feels.

It was a choice between being a failure as a man and a failure as a husband and father. The future looked pretty bleak, from my perspective.

And, to answer your question, we went to MC following DD. It didn't help. There was no reconciliation. We continued to live in the same house but were "roommates" only.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 12:15 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/27/2014 12:44 PM

ITA with tfkeel.

I don't believe that the future has to be miserable.

Do you think that's what BH was saying? Because what I heard was, "R or D, recovering from infidelity is a big bowl of suck soup." Pass me a spoon.

we're struggling with communication

"We" are, or you are? If you'd communicated effectively with BH before your A, there would've been no A, would you agree? Maybe BH believes this is your mess, so you need to take the lead in fixing it, and he's not going near MC again until he's convinced the likelihood of recidivism is closer to zero. That could take awhile.

He's honestly been amazing since dd, much better than I deserve.

It's not inevitable, but around 6 months many BP hit an anger phase. So if BH blows a gasket in several weeks, drop your defenses and bear it as gracefully as you can.

Sal1995 posted 5/27/2014 12:54 PM

I occasionally see posts on here where one or both partners thinks it's too soon for MC, and find this hard to understand. To me that's like saying that although a person is badly injured and dying, it's too soon to go to the ER. The marriage is trying to overcome a severe (sometimes fatal) blow.

I think MC is crucial after an A. I hope your BH changes his mind about that.

seethelight posted 5/27/2014 13:06 PM

I think an unskilled infidelity counselor is worse than no counselor.

Depending on where you live it may not be possible to find a truly skilled infidelity counselor.

It took us quite some time to find a truly skilled infidelity counselor.

The first three I saw were too eager to blame the BS too quickly, to rugsweep the affair, and offered no suggestions to my husband on things that he should NOT do or say if he wants to save the marrieage.

Finally we found one who spoke of dealing with the affair FIRST before any other marital issues, so that the BS would not feel attacked and be re-injured.

He also pulled my husband aside and talked of transparency and its importance and all sorts of other things the other counselors never mentioned.

It really helped.

I have, however, met people who could not find a good infidelity counselor but who have reconciled and seem happy simply by reading self help books and going to forums to educate themselves on recovery after an affair.

[This message edited by seethelight at 1:07 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]

anothermoron posted 5/27/2014 13:25 PM

We had a bad MC in the immediate aftermath and it was extremely counterproductive. The MC has to be entirely objective, or ideally on the side of the BS. The WS has to be at a point where he/she can be 100pc honest about every tiny awful detail. If you dont have that, it's going to be counterproductive. If you do, and you struggle to talk constructively at home, then it could be pretty important...

CantBeUndone posted 5/27/2014 14:39 PM

I don't believe that the future has to be miserable.

Do you think that's what BH was saying? Because what I heard was, "R or D, recovering from infidelity is a big bowl of suck soup." Pass me a spoon.

He's actually said this before. I think at this moment he feels like, no matter what choice he makes, that his life is ruined and that he'll never be happy again. This is why I question whether we can make it without some sort of counseling. I feel like it would be helpful to have someone help him sort this out. I don't want him to be miserable, he deserves better. And if being with me is something that's inherently unhappy for him for the rest of his life, well, that's just a heartbreaking thought. I think at some point (and I don't mean soon, I'm fine waiting as long as it takes) he's going to have to make a choice, stay and work or end it. In the meantime it might be helpful to have someone help him work through the emotions.

"We" are, or you are? If you'd communicated effectively with BH before your A, there would've been no A, would you agree? Maybe BH believes this is your mess, so you need to take the lead in fixing it, and he's not going near MC again until he's convinced the likelihood of recidivism is closer to zero. That could take awhile.

We both agree that we've had a hard time communicating from almost the beginning of the relationship. But yes, I wish I had communicated better and made different decisions.

I just want to help him in any way I can. I know he's miserable right now. He told me I'm an inherently different person than he thought I was. I honestly don't know if he can get past that. I'm doing everything I can think of to do but I know it's not enough and it may never be. I just feel helpless and like there's something I should be doing or saying that I'm not. I want to make sure that I'm putting 110% in right now and doing every possible thing I could be doing to help him heal. It's a process I know and I can't control the outcome now. All I can do is be the person I should've been before.

numb&dumb posted 5/27/2014 16:16 PM

I think at this moment he feels like, no matter what choice he makes, that his life is ruined and that he'll never be happy again.

He i wallowing in the hurt. Wears it like a blanket that keeps him warm on cold winter nights. BTDT.

Mc for me was completely worthless and honestly pissed me of to the point I told my W I wanted a D. She took the MC talking about improving the M as de facto way of saying, the M made me cheat."

I walked and told her she can go, but I'd had enough of paying someone to tell me how bad of a husband I was while she sat there and gained some resolve to remind me of that.

IC was good for me, really good. MC is for the M. If one of the two parts are broken, MC isn't going to work too well. MC are people and people are sometimes not good at what they do

FWIW- Sometimes when I went down," the rest of my life is going to suck no matter what happens street," I was looking for my W to be a sort of cheerleader. To try and talk me out of it.

Remind me that it doesn't have to be that way. She was willing to do whatever she could to make the M one I wanted, etc. She would ask me about something. Point out how it could be different and work really hard to show me that it could be better.

The love languages were helpful as it helped her address things I thought I had lost.

Have you tried showing him logically that goods things outside of your control happen too.

It may not immediately raise him to the level he is like the Stan Claus on Prozac, but it might lighten his mood some. Sometimes just a nudge in a positive direction can be helpful.

He has to look his entire life, together and see the good parts. Not just the fact that he is a betrayed spouse.

My W once told me that while her EA/PA showed her the worst parts of her while my attempts at R showed the absolute best parts of me.

Remind him that people can change, circumstances can change and it isn't always bad. It can be good, even great.

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