Of course it is because of his unattractive past behaviors.
Only him behaving attractive toward you will those feeling come back. Does he?
And it takes a long time. Months or years of near stellar behaviors. If not, then you will stay in that mode of feelings...
I think you can look at all this is a couple ways.. do things You can control.. yourself.. or try to do things to control your H. But I will say, you cannot control others.
Love is patient, Love is kind.. always hopes, always perseveres... So if you can just hold these thoughts.. as you be wise to see his behaviors.. perhaps come at this from a loving perspective.. in time.. good feelings will come.
If he is not behaving in the most loving way to you.. then you will never get to good feelings.
Words of affirmation..
But love is also..
love of touch, love of gifts, love of service, love of quality time.. and each one of those things means hundreds of things. Only you can decided if YOU want to love... by choice.
Feelings are something you can get when someone loves you.. or sometimes you get when you love someone..
So the words.. "I love you" should be viewed as just so minor in the overall picture of love..
[This message edited by trynhard at 12:20 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]
It takes a while for the words ILY not to feel like a slap in the face, but it is totally possible to appreciate them again.
It's funny how sometimes the people you'd take a bullet for,are the ones behind the trigger.
I have stopped thinking in terms of him not loving me enough during to the affair to not have had it, because the affair truly, truly wasn't about me, or our relationship. Or love. It had so little to do with love. More to do with hurt, insecurity, emotional immaturity, hopelessness and built up resentment. I see this with a lot more clarity at nearly a year out.
And now, he makes me feel loved, far better than he did before. And you know, I am getting better too. So, it can be better. More love.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 12:50 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]
He asks me what he can do to help me heal. He is often at a loss. Trouble is that I can't pinpoint it either, it just feels like he is not doing enough. The question I put to him this afternoon was:
If I had been stabbed in the heart by a stranger, what would you do? How would you behave? What would you do to help me recover?
Trynhard - he does try to do loving things for me (helping with the kids, buying me things, spending more time with me). He is transparent, we are in MC, he has found his "why", is NC with AP etc. He does, however, still get sucked into selfish behavior patterns sometimes and that sets me back and terrifies me.
He has to sort out his selfish tendencies of his own volition, but how when he doesn't usually recognize them? I don't want the job of pointing it out to him.
Bionicgal - thank you for the sick person analogy. He probably was that or else he lost his mind during that 2 year span I understand that his A had nothing to do with me or our relationship intellectually but my heart is slow to catch on. Logically I can see that it had to do with insecurity, low self esteem, emotional immaturity and a good dose of selfishness. I am just not in a good space emotionally these days. Bad dreams don't help either.
There isn't anything here but time and consistent healing actions. If you get that, you'll likely get the fuzzies back. Keep working the process.
[This message edited by mbbd at 8:36 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]