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Why You Chose Your BS

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IAteTheApple posted 5/27/2014 14:28 PM

I'm struggling (yes, after a year if anyone recognizes my name) with choosing my BH over my AP. My marriage was in a horrible state when the affair started. AP keeps sending me why messages and while I'm not responding it is weighing on me.

Deeply Scared posted 5/27/2014 14:50 PM

WHy are you not blocking the AP? Does your wife know that she's still contacting you?

MissesJai posted 5/27/2014 15:11 PM

Why are you asking us why we chose our spouses? Why aren't you asking yourself why you need a pros & cons list?

My marriage was in a horrible state when the affair started.
If your marriage was TRULY that bad, then leave your husband. Call it oversimplifying, but honestly, it's that simple. Clearly, you've taken the A underground because you are still in contact with your AP, which is why you're so torn.

Be honest with yourself - just how horrible was your marriage when the A started? When you say horrible, what do you mean? Abuse? Multiple affairs on both sides? Financial infidelity? Porn addiction? I'm curious to know how you define horrible.

IAteTheApple posted 5/27/2014 15:18 PM

All of the above, pretty much. Substance abuse that led to verbal abuse, multiple affairs by him, porn addiction, major financial infidelity.

He's sober now, but it's scary and I don't feel the same way that I did before everything happened. I want to, I suppose.

MissesJai posted 5/27/2014 15:19 PM

He's sober now, but it's scary and I don't feel the same way that I did before everything happened. I want to, I suppose.
Does he know about your A?

IAteTheApple posted 5/27/2014 15:21 PM

Yes.

sunnyrain posted 5/27/2014 15:40 PM

Have you ever been successful with NC? If so, for how long?

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 12:41 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

MissesJai posted 5/27/2014 15:41 PM

and how has he responded to this knowledge?

IAteTheApple posted 5/27/2014 15:53 PM

Never been successful. For more than, like, 3 days at a time.

MissesJai posted 5/27/2014 16:00 PM

How has your husband reacted to the affair?

Jovie posted 5/27/2014 16:06 PM

Yikes what a tough situation.

My M was pretty horrible when my A started, and I place a lot of blame on my H's drug addiction for the M problems. After DDay, BH confessed his addiction to me and vowed to stay clean, which he mostly has so far. If I was going to have to go back to the pre-Dday M, I'm not sure I could stay.

BUT, I never had any feelings for my AP, so it wasn't a matter of choosing between the two, it was between H and nothing. I think that is how you should try to look at it. Your AP is just clouding up your feelings and your judgement. If you want to leave your BH, you should leave for YOU, not for your AP.

sunnyrain posted 5/27/2014 16:07 PM

Never been successful. For more than, like, 3 days at a time.

You should try it for 6 months, at a minimum.

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 12:42 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

IAteTheApple posted 5/27/2014 16:27 PM

BH and I split up immediately after I came clean. We were separated for a few months. He feels very responsible for the affair, even though I know it is 100% on me and have told him such. We've been in MC. He does not know I'm still in contact with AP.

remorsefulww posted 5/27/2014 17:20 PM

You need to choose and its not fair to your BH for you to still be in contact with your AP. why torture yourself more? With doing that you're still having an EA. You said you both are in mc, but are you in IC? What do you want?

sunnyrain posted 5/27/2014 17:37 PM

He does not know I'm still in contact with AP.

Personally, I don't care if your H knows or not. You know.

If you truly want to give your M a try, you need to stop contact with AP. If, on the other hand, you can't wrap your mind around giving NC an honest try, then at least be honest with yourself and leave the M.

Or, I guess you could continue to straddle the fence. But aren't you tired of continually having only one foot in either yard? Trust me when I say that it feels soooo good to have both feet planted solidly in ONE place.

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 5:38 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]

MissesJai posted 5/27/2014 17:41 PM

what sunnyrain said - word for word.

It's no wonder you can't choose. You're still in the A.

What do you want?

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