"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Dadtryingtocope posted 5/27/2014 14:56 PM

Thanks for all the input on my earlier post today. In the end it didn't matter. She bailed on me. Sent me an email this morning breaking up with me and stating I had hurt her too much too many times. Like some of you said it was her not me. I still feel like I failed her in some ways. I suppose a reaction to me feeling like I failed in my marriage too. It's knee jerk reaction and when I sit and reflect I know it's not the case. I just need to continue being me.

I am probably better off. There are some things that probably would of been problems later anyways. I was living under my one day at a time theory.

Her reason for breaking things off today was I was not getting her. I didn't do the little things. In this case she had bought me a watch for Valentines Day. A link on it broke a couple of weeks ago. Two weeks ago we took it to the mall to get it fixed but had an argument in the car and she wanted to go home. So I haven't been to the mall since to have a chance to fix it (there's my schedule again). I love the watch and I appreciate all the thought that went in to it.

She also ran out of perfume she like about 3 weeks ago. She hinted about that and I get it. I'll pick it up at the mall when yup you guessed it, bring my watch in.

Sunday was my birthday and she had a dinner for me and all the kids. It was nice and thoughtful and I appreciate it. She tells me in the email she was hurt when I showed up without the watch on. Even hinted that she still had not gotten her perfume. She was sad she had nothing from me.

So I reminded her. She has a drum stick, sitting on her dresser. From a Foreigner concert (oops dating myself)that I took her to. She caught a drumstick at the show because we were in the third row. Perhaps she forgot that little momento. I also took her ballroom dancing. She really wanted to do that and enjoyed it. I learned to dance with my ex. I love ballroom dancing but I was really concerned the triggers I would get going to the same teacher that tought my ex and I. But I did enjoy it. So I told her about how she learned to do 4-5 new dances she never knew before with me. I guess that didn't count as something she would remember with me.

I even took her to extra classes on a separate session that our teacher did on an opposing night. Those classes were held at the same location I had my wedding reception. I did not tell her that but imagine my insides going into a place where I had last been with my ex dancing our wedding song. I fought through some tough triggers and never told her (because discussing anything like that would set her onto a discussion blaming me for not being over my marriage). I was actually pretty good there, I enjoyed the moment.

This is like the 4th time she has wanted to break up. Each time I talked to her and we discussed her feelings, my feelings etc etc. This time I just let her go. I went through one major relationship where my spouse didn't fight for me and threw me away like garbage. I can't live with on the fence. Either you are in and want to work on it or you aren't.

Oh and one major thing I was willing to overlook with her was the fact she cheated on her husband. She was very unhappy, should of never married him. A story we have all heard about. She returned from a weekend and pleaded on her hands and knees for forgiveness. Actually showed remorse (which I never saw) and to this day still says she lives with that guilt. So I accepted her for her. I overlooked this obvious trigger for me.

Look I get some things. I'm not always the best at seeing the obvious. I'm super busy and the person I'm with has to understand that. I don't hide any of that. I think I'm pretty romantic and I will buy gifts and flowers. I'm not insensitive. But at least let me do it on my terms. I don't ask for anything special in return. Just love me for me and what I bring to the table. I think I do pretty well as a father. I coach kids of all ages and I take pride in helping them become better. I take care of myself and at 46 I'm in better shape then most guys in their 30s. And when we have our time together it's our time. I'm respectful of quality time.

Somebody here told me my picker is off. Maybe so. I can't help physical attractions, they are what they are. But I truly thought I had a better mental state here then what I am hearing. She was not ready for my life. She has other plans. Her 5 year plan is to get out of town and move West. I represent something that would screw up that plan. That's what I think this is really about. She wants me, but she wants me on her terms and that is not fair. I have two kids to raise and a career to do (so I can pay for two households - don't get me started on that).

So I'm out. I'm not going back in the ring for another round. It's not fair to me. Sorry for the rant my friends. This door is closing.

lieshurt posted 5/27/2014 15:11 PM

I can't help physical attractions, they are what they are

If this is your priority, then you are going to keep having issues with the women you select. I understand needing to be attracted to somebody, but it can't be primarily based on physical appeal. Looks fade, wrinkles take over and yes, sometimes weight is gained. The most attractive men I've ever known weren't always physically the most handsome/fit, but their personalities were amazing. It appears that physical attractiveness equals needy when it comes to the women you choose. Maybe open your mind a bit and broaden your horizons when it comes to the women you select?

nowiknow23 posted 5/27/2014 15:26 PM

Just love me for me and what I bring to the table.

Excactly right, DTTC. Sounds like the relationship had run its course and it's for the best that you let it go.

Crescita posted 5/27/2014 15:54 PM

You were still in the exploratory phase of this relationship, don't beat yourself up too much about your picker being broken. Not all relationships are meant to be, and you were discovering multiple issues which you ultimately decided not to ignore.

If you do think you are making bad choices in partners, consider what else you liked about her and previous partners. Physical appearance is just one aspect of attraction, and it's not the broken picker issue. Vanity, narcissism, or low self-esteem might be a common thread, but how people look on the outside is just a coincidence, it isn't character defining.

Williesmom posted 5/27/2014 16:06 PM

You know, not every ending has to be with napalm. Some thing just end, and that's ok. If you learned something from it, consider that a win and move on.

Look back on the good things that you got from your time with her.

cmego posted 5/27/2014 17:28 PM

DTTC~

She sounds a LOT like your ex.

You gotta work on your picker. You keep picking the same woman over and over and over. You pick the same type of woman and keep hoping for a different outcome. It isn't going to happen.

You overlooked that she was a WS. RED FLAG.
You overlooked that she tried to end it with you multiple times and you had to pull her back in. RED FLAG.
You overlooked that she was very controlling and superficial about a watch and perfume and your schedule. RED FLAG.
You overlooked that she had you running after her, trying to make her happy. RED FLAG.

With my current guy, I notice all of the little things he does, like opening my doors, or carrying my bag, or…putting my watch on me when I take it off, sitting outside and stargazing with me. It is the little things I look for, not the big gestures.

(((((DTTC))))) I'm sure you are hurting. Take some time to heal, then try again. Do some soul searching. Next time, try for a different type of woman.

phmh posted 5/27/2014 19:13 PM

Ditto what cmego said. This lady was a hot mess of high maintenance and trouble. You've already escaped from that once. You don't want to wind up there again, even if that's comfortable because it's what you know.

Please take some time for yourself -- no dating -- and work on your picker.

I can't imagine treating anyone -- much less a SO -- the way she treated you. She's probably going to try to suck you back in, but stay strong. There is a good lady out there who will treat you nicely. And even one that you will be attracted to! But you can't find her if you're stuck with someone who wants you around so she can blame you for all of her problems.

I could go on and on, and I know that you're hurting. But I promise you that someday in the future, you will realize how lucky you were to escape from her relatively unscathed. Take it as a lesson, a narrow escape, and go on with your fantastic life!

Dadtryingtocope posted 5/27/2014 19:49 PM

Thanks all. Definitely going to take a break for a bit. Dating at 46 is much harder than at 26. Sooo much more to consider.

I don't want to completely bad mouth her. She was funny and we were good together. But time apart was a problem for her. So when I was not with her that was when we had issues most of the time. So she needs someone with more time I think.

I didn't just pick her based on looks. Actually she picked me. She had a lot of qualities that I like in attraction. But she was smart, wrote her own book, funny, likes same music, she's a good mom, a lot of good qualities. She's had some really bad relationships (talk about a bad picker). But she is also very emotional and has some high maintenance issues. The stuff she gets upset with me about I just don't get it. Once I felt like I was walking on eggshells with what I said and how I said it I kind of knew there was probably trouble.

I didn't even bring up she doesn't like some of my friends. I have a couple that have been with me since the A. The wife was bf with my ex but chose my side. My GF thought this was weird and inappropriate. The wife of this couple had been a BS as well and during her bad time my ex had helped her out. But this also led to my ex's A since she would go out and hang out with her (and eventually did not hang out with her but told me that was what she was doing). So the wife took my side, she couldn't stand by someone who had an A. I don't see how it's so hard to believe. Anyways the GF just doesn't like it. So she doesn't want to hang out with her. So just another reason I guess. Just sad and unfortunate.

persevere posted 5/27/2014 23:17 PM

I'm sorry it didn't work out but it sounds like it was for the best. We learn from each relationship.

finallymefirst posted 5/28/2014 04:47 AM

It's probably for the best. She seems really insecure, something she really needs to work on. My ex was very busy and it made me feel like I didn't matter, but one of the many issues I had to work on was my insecurity. I am much better, but when and if I ever couple up again, it will be with someone a little more of a homebody than what I previously experienced.

It seems like you have a very full plate. More than enough to occupy your time. Maybe a long break is what's in order. There is a thread about "not dating being part of your NB", something like that, well maybe your like the many posters there. Reading that thread made me sad though, because I'm a relationship type person at heart, but I really enjoy being single. Conflicted emotions.

NaiveAgain posted 5/28/2014 07:17 AM

Also sounds like you two spoke different love languages. It sounds like her love language is material things, something to hold onto, and your love language is acts of service; doing things for the other person/creating memories.

Sometimes if you don't speak the same love language, you are both going to feel terribly misunderstood.

FaithFool posted 5/28/2014 08:08 AM

Row 3 at Foreigner is pulling out the stops IMO. I know what concert tickets cost. Add in dinner and parking and that's a big gesture.

Now then, about that watch...

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:09 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

lieshurt posted 5/28/2014 08:40 AM

Just love me for me and what I bring to the table.

Remember this. You are a good man and a good father. You need to find somebody who appreciates that.

SpecialK posted 5/28/2014 09:57 AM

Also sounds like you two spoke different love languages. It sounds like her love language is material things, something to hold onto, and your love language is acts of service; doing things for the other person/creating memories.
Sometimes if you don't speak the same love language, you are both going to feel terribly misunderstood.

This!

Dadtryingtocope posted 5/28/2014 10:17 AM

Also sounds like you two spoke different love languages. It sounds like her love language is material things, something to hold onto, and your love language is acts of service; doing things for the other person/creating memories.
Sometimes if you don't speak the same love language, you are both going to feel terribly misunderstood.

I think I agree as well. Not sure you can fix that. Or I guess you have to realize that and have to work to speak the other language.

In the end I also think the real deal breakers for her are showing up. I did send an email today. After yesterday's storm passed I feel I needed to retract the unkind things that were said in the heat of the moment. I then did put on the table the things I felt she had told me were issues for her. In my mind these were her deal breakers. Things she didn't feel she should have to deal with or didn't feel I should be bringing along into our relationship. I explained these are certainly fair feelings for her and I cannot change them. Likewise these are things in my life that are here primarily for the benefit of my kids.

I understand anyone that doesn't want to live with my - let's call it baggage for lack of a better term - although it's really just my life.

At the end of the day like I said to her, there are only two things I ever ask of anyone that wants to be with me. I ask you love me for me and all the crazy shit attached to me and to be true to me. Everything else, just background noise imo.

LearningToRun posted 5/28/2014 10:48 AM

I was thinking the exact same thing about love languages. Her's are quality time and gifts, obviously.

And you can bring up all you want the things you did, that just doesn't cut it in the insecure mind. It has a constant need for reassurance. OR, like i like to think of it, a black hole of need that can never be filled. Not by another anyhow.

I have a sight I refer to often to calm the insecure raging beast in my soul. Maybe this part will help you understand that it IS her, and not you

Overcoming relationship insecurity is partly about becoming less controlling. This may sound strange, but feeling that: "This relationship must be exactly as I think it should be!" is a form of over-control. A sign of insecurity in relationships is when the desire for certainty becomes too strong.

Having to know whether your partner really loves you, having to know this or having to know that puts a lot of unnecessary strain and tension into the relationship. The fact is, we all have to live with uncertainty. Insecure people can still feel insecure even when they are told they are loved. Wanting what is not possible (complete and utter certainty in all and everything forever) is not possible because imagination can still make up doubts. So stop looking for certainty where it doesn't apply.

Self-assurance comes from starting to relax with uncertainty. Wanting to know for certain that someone will be with you forever prevents you enjoying the here and now. Nothing in life is certain.
- See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/overcoming-insecurity-in-relationships/#sthash.O0xndVNc.dpuf

Artemisia posted 5/28/2014 11:19 AM

Sorry that this is tough, DTC. The whole things sounds like one continuous horrible awful triggerfest. Not speaking from experience (not dating), but I just don't think it has to be that way. You're on the right path. From phmh:

I can't imagine treating anyone -- much less a SO -- the way she treated you.

I was thinking the exact same thing as I read your post. There are folks out there who operate in a very different way. In fact, some great woman(en) better watch out - you're heading towards their future!

Please try to be nice to yourself as you work your way through this. Based on everything you've written, I really don't think you are too busy, not thoughtful, etc etc etc. That seems like a a little crazymaking to me. You just haven't found your next match. Stay strong!

cmego posted 5/28/2014 13:12 PM

DTTC~

Not sure, but I think you are justifying at this point. You are trying to come up with a reason that it didn't work, when you haven't seen the point that the only person that will work with her is someone that will…be EVERYTHING to her. She needs constant attention and constant showering of gifts and the relationship has to look like SHE wants it (not understanding your exIL's, not liking your friends, not happy with your schedule, not happy with minor things (watch, perfume). That is some major insecurity that you cannot "fix" or "love away".

You shouldn't have had to constantly pull her back into you. Don't you want someone that is just going to be there? You gotta ask yourself why you were willing to put up with all of this poor behavior on her part. Yes, I'm sure there were good parts, but there are yellow and red flags waving here.

You deserve someone who does like you just for YOU. Not the image they want you to be. Or have you change to soothe their insecurities.

How many things did you ask HER to change? Think about it.