I filed today. This was very big for me. It was a very unpleasant experience to say the least. But, I did it and am one step closer to never allowing back into my life the woman who discarded me like a piece of trash and emotionally abused me for so long.
I was in a VERY weak and low state last night and sent her a message out a lack of self control. I asked her if she was happier now and how she was doing. I was struggling a lot with wondering if I was the problem and if she truly was better off without me; if the grass was really greener. I know, it was foolish to even allow myself to doubt this. But, I am actually glad I did send that message.
I got back a message of such honesty from my stbxww. The kind of honesty I have not had from her in years. You have to keep in mind that my wife had been keeping me under a cloud of lies and dishonesty for so long and to such an extent that I actually lost touch with reality. She went on to say how she is not happy, how the grass was not greener, how embarrassed and ashamed she is for everything she has done. How she knows divorce is the healthy thing for the both of us, but especially me being that she sees how I deserve far more than who she is right now, and in light of all the horrible things she has done to me and our marriage.
It brings my heart pain knowing she is feeling the real pain of the consequences of her actions and the hurt and pain she caused with her selfishness and complete late of caring for the one man who was always in her corner, loved, and cared for her immensely. I knew this day was going to come. I knew it the moment she told me with such disdain that she was "in love" with him and didn't love me, and how she wants a divorce and for me out of her life. I saw the disaster she was about to walk into and it broke my heart. I knew there was nothing I could do to keep her from walking into her own nightmare. I left her to her own choices. But now, now she is starting to feel the gravity o f what she's done and the carelessness she had for our marriage. The kindest thing I could have done was force the divorce and file. We all need to face the consequences of our actions and lack there of. Hell knows I have faced and been facing my own consequences. But, the failure of our marriage, the splitting up of our little family, the pain of being truly alone, and the state of being undeserving of a good person's love are NOT my consequences to face. These are hers. Loving your spouse also means allowing them to face their actions and the ramifications they bring. She now has the choice to be a better person for it or allow the continued path of destruction.
For me, it is final. Her countless chances to turn back and run to the safety and care of my love has ceased to exist. The door for my heart to her is sealed shut.
I read a post by a woman earlier who talked about the OW being a "cumdumpster" and how the roughness and ugliness of what a WS brings to the marriage, and how it forever tarnishes the sanctity of our love. There is nothing my stbxww can now do to earn back my love. The images I have now of her will forever be present. I could have gotten passed the ugliness of her affair 3 months ago. But, she chose to stop caring and throw me aside as if I am just some piece of trash, and then continue on her selfish path while seeing me ripped apart in the gutter, soaked in pain, and eventually washed away in betrayal.
There is no room in my life for a person who abuses me, let alone a woman who treats the enormous amount of love and energy I give them with such disregard and carelessness.
Like the posters before me have articulately said, "fuck off"... I am done; you wanted me to learn what it was like to be without you, and I did just that. I've been down in the gutter long enough. The time of licking my wounds and being on my knees is over. Now it's time to stand back up, stronger than before and better than ever. From trials to honors. Today marks the end of the beginning.