I was in a VERY weak and low state last night and sent her a message out a lack of self control. I asked her if she was happier now and how she was doing. I was struggling a lot with wondering if I was the problem and if she truly was better off without me; if the grass was really greener. I know, it was foolish to even allow myself to doubt this. But, I am actually glad I did send that message.
I got back a message of such honesty from my stbxww. The kind of honesty I have not had from her in years. You have to keep in mind that my wife had been keeping me under a cloud of lies and dishonesty for so long and to such an extent that I actually lost touch with reality. She went on to say how she is not happy, how the grass was not greener, how embarrassed and ashamed she is for everything she has done. How she knows divorce is the healthy thing for the both of us, but especially me being that she sees how I deserve far more than who she is right now, and in light of all the horrible things she has done to me and our marriage.
It brings my heart pain knowing she is feeling the real pain of the consequences of her actions and the hurt and pain she caused with her selfishness and complete late of caring for the one man who was always in her corner, loved, and cared for her immensely. I knew this day was going to come. I knew it the moment she told me with such disdain that she was "in love" with him and didn't love me, and how she wants a divorce and for me out of her life. I saw the disaster she was about to walk into and it broke my heart. I knew there was nothing I could do to keep her from walking into her own nightmare. I left her to her own choices. But now, now she is starting to feel the gravity o f what she's done and the carelessness she had for our marriage. The kindest thing I could have done was force the divorce and file. We all need to face the consequences of our actions and lack there of. Hell knows I have faced and been facing my own consequences. But, the failure of our marriage, the splitting up of our little family, the pain of being truly alone, and the state of being undeserving of a good person's love are NOT my consequences to face. These are hers. Loving your spouse also means allowing them to face their actions and the ramifications they bring. She now has the choice to be a better person for it or allow the continued path of destruction.
For me, it is final. Her countless chances to turn back and run to the safety and care of my love has ceased to exist. The door for my heart to her is sealed shut.
I read a post by a woman earlier who talked about the OW being a "cumdumpster" and how the roughness and ugliness of what a WS brings to the marriage, and how it forever tarnishes the sanctity of our love. There is nothing my stbxww can now do to earn back my love. The images I have now of her will forever be present. I could have gotten passed the ugliness of her affair 3 months ago. But, she chose to stop caring and throw me aside as if I am just some piece of trash, and then continue on her selfish path while seeing me ripped apart in the gutter, soaked in pain, and eventually washed away in betrayal.
There is no room in my life for a person who abuses me, let alone a woman who treats the enormous amount of love and energy I give them with such disregard and carelessness.
Like the posters before me have articulately said, "fuck off"... I am done; you wanted me to learn what it was like to be without you, and I did just that. I've been down in the gutter long enough. The time of licking my wounds and being on my knees is over. Now it's time to stand back up, stronger than before and better than ever. From trials to honors. Today marks the end of the beginning.
[This message edited by justme1264 at 4:25 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” ― Pema Chödrön
I could have gotten passed the ugliness of her affair 3 months ago. But, she chose to stop caring and throw me aside as if I am just some piece of trash, and then continue on her selfish path while seeing me ripped apart in the gutter, soaked in pain, and eventually washed away in betrayal.
THIS. The betrayals were dealbreakers for me but the betrayals beyond infidelity were/are unforgivable. That is when he truly lost me forever. It was also when I found the strength to turn away and never look back.
We all reach DONE at different times for different reasons. It's like the BS fog lifts and we finally see exactly what we've been fighting so hard for and we find them lacking.
I can't say you won't have dips as well as peaks on this rollercoaster but I can say the intensity of the dips lessen and they get further and further apart.
I think of my future now and I feel hopeful - I'm feeling the sunshine again.
A quote I read here helped me get through some rough days: "Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve."
"A unicorn isn't a unicorn. It's a donkey with a plunger stuck to it's face."
It's very confusing at times because on one hand she was so quick and easy to throw me aside like a piece of trash in March to go be "single," showing just how little she cared about me and our marriage, and on the other hand she is now showing how she actually does care by realizing the necessity of the divorce and how trying to come back would be a disservice to me. Maybe there is something I am still not seeing?
It would have been nice if she could have realized all this out BEFORE she chose to throw our marriage away. The unforgivable part about all this isn't the affair, but the CHOICE she made to toss our marriage aside while she went off to see her idea of how green the grass was on the other side, only to find out that it lasted for 5 minutes, and it was actually nothing but dirt and mud. Now that she sees how much I worked to keep our grass green and vibrant is when she realizes how much she fucked up; it's too late now. The fence she jumped over is a one way thing. I have no room in my life for someone who can't appreciate who and what they had with me. I am not, and never will be anyone's learning experience. I appreciate the fact she isn't trying to come back though. But, I have to wonder if she isn't trying to come back because she knows I would turn her away. I can honestly say having filed for divorce yesterday that it shut the R door for our marriage. At least her staying away, remaining single, and going to IC shows me she's dealing with her problems and facing her consequences. But, I am beginning to reach the point of not caring anymore if her "new" life comes crashing down because I wasn't invited to it anyway.
The dips you are talking about SUUUUUUCK. It's nice to hear the intensity of them gets less and less. That is very reassuring.
