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Ashland13 posted 5/27/2014 17:05 PM

Like a fool I felt driving "home", damn roller coaster got me again because of the results and shenanigans. Mostly snickering and just sniffles now. Tears are long dry. Anyway.

Some interesting results.

We all have to fight for what we want going forward and it really does come down to money, brass tacks. And standing up for what we believe in. See it through.

At the last minute, they sent a "fresh" agreement through and on it I caught some blips that Perv tried to get away with. They were huge, mega things in the lives of myself and two kids and squat for his daily life. This is in my head 24/7. The quality of daily life I can provide going forward.

So I am proud, though it caused another hearing, another bill and more babysitters.

I am also proud because I only cried once and they were very kind, the bailiff offering water and tissues. Wonder if they'll be on my bill, lol.

I come away mixed up because I am actually sad -not tons-for OW. She gets the "man" who is a shell of his former self and lying sack of ....

But you know what? In the eyes of the law, he calls her "roommate".

And...the child they live with does not exist on the forms or in the eyes of court and the law!!!

This made me sad for them because it's the rest of their lives, if they stay together, and I won't even care past signing the papers. I am "x" but he could take off from them at any time and he could claim they were never in his life to begin with, unless they get married, she makes a stink and so on...I know, I'm not sposed to think about it but it was kind of fun to rat her out and give her name and address.

They also lied, I guess this is common, but lied about money with showing less earned there. He had to put her income, which I did not see or want to, but they tried to defend her saying, "she should not be responsible for x kids." So the judge at least knows that OW is more than a roommate because it did come out and that's comforting in an odd way. That he could not hide it in the end-does that make any sense?

He also lied on some things about me and they think I should have a full time job with two kids-one a baby-all alone. I've been looking for a year and was able to produce ads I answered.

The defense lawyer -x has known locally for being a scheister and I could not help nodding or frowning at the list of items and the bailiff grinned when I disagreed. It was kinda funny.

If there is any, any advice I can give, for people going in, it's this:

1.) Don't talk at all unless the judge asks you. I would think in every state? Like while you're sitting and waiting or at the table listening.

2.) Most important-anything you want or try to prove, have as much proof as you possibly can.

3.) Be prepared to hear lies about your self. I was picturing the worst possible things about myself and none of it came up.

4.) Ask for more than you need and be prepared for trade, most especially with NPD x and lawyers. Lawyers who are NPD are really tricky.

5.) If you can have some space between ending marriage and going to court itself, this helped me tremendously to collect my emotions.

Can anyone else add anything? I also see lots of people posting about court. Maybe because I was a legal secretary for so long, I can be in the setting and am ok. Perv and his lawyer showed very evident signs of nerves. At times I had to look away when I couldn't stop snickering.

Thanks everybody. Becaus of the lies, it's been continued til next month. Pending no more surprise, I will be officially free in early June.

P.S. One of my favorite forms I saw today, especially because I was a stay at home mom for over 10 years, is a form to "hold me harmless" for debts he incurred without telling me. He kept sole control over the finances and had credit cards up the ying yang I never even knew about. He would take one out and pay another and have a trail like a chipmunk, all the while I did the mom thing, never said a word.

This also was good for sale of the house when he made a decision and bought stuff to get it ready for closing and didn't tell me ahead of time.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 9:06 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]

nowiknow23 posted 5/27/2014 17:10 PM

Sounds like you handled things beautifully, Ashland. Great advice for those who are facing court.

GingerAle posted 5/27/2014 17:25 PM

So the judge at least knows that OW is more than a roommate because it did come out and that's comforting in an odd way. That he could not hide it in the end-does that make any sense?

Absolutely! All these NPD's do is lie, and it is awesome to have them outed whenever possible. Enjoy the victory, Ashland!

dmari posted 5/27/2014 18:53 PM

OMG!! Thank you so much Ashland13!! Your post has helped me as I am going to court on Thursday. Thank you!

So it is true that they (stbx) do not think about what is best for the children in terms of financial support?

You also gave me a good idea of "household" income because stbx does live with his girlfriend. How did you get him to put her income?

And it's true that they lie about us? Ugh. I'm a big girl but I'm going to have to grow thicker skin by Thursday because I will go ape shit if he says ANYTHING about how I parent.

How long did yours last? What is the next step for you? Mines is "supposed" to be the FINAL court date. I should be divorced by the end of the day.

Thank you for sharing all your insight!! Super super helpful. I also agree that the more time from dday to court day is beneficial. For me, we are just finishing up the financial side of a deal. Don't want him, don't need him ... let's just move along.

yearsofpain25 posted 5/27/2014 19:04 PM

No advice but wanted to throw my support in behind team Ash. I know this day was not easy for you. Congrats on it going so well!!!

Hang in there Ash! You are doing very well.


Kajem posted 5/27/2014 19:29 PM

Ashland ,

All very good advice and I suspect you did well by keeping calm and exposing his lies.

Celebrate tonight! Grab your kids and have a goofy dance fest with lots of movement and laughter. You deserve it!


HoldFast posted 5/27/2014 19:33 PM

Way to stay strong, Ashland!

Thank you so much for this post. Gives us newbies a heads up.

Holly-Isis posted 5/28/2014 06:11 AM


Use that time to keep gathering evidence and maintaining the 180 so you don't re-engage your feelings. You're stronger than them not just because you've been in the atmosphere of a court before, but because you're doing it alone. They have to have each other and their lies to lean on.

So am I understanding this right? They tried to pass OW off as a roommate? One that is of the opposite sex and came to his court case against his XW? Doesn't pass the common sense test. I can think of very few people who would take time out of their day to sit in court with a person they had no emotional connection to. They really expected the judge to believe that lie?

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