Today I went with WH to a meeting he needs to go to to work on himself. I am so proud of him for taking this step on his journey. I told him so. But then the next thing I know I'm talking about the A again. I'm telling him he defended her (AP) and didn't bother thinking about me during a conversation this weekend.
He got upset. He told me he thought I was there to support him. I was! Really I was. But somehow, no matter how hard I try, it's always back to the A, always back to the AP.
He's in his meeting now. I'll pick him up in 25 more minutes and try to keep the peace for the rest of the night.
Well, in a way, YES I want him to be miserable. I am miserable, HIS fault, and he should suffer with me.
I think that when we act supportive sometimes we think that it is telling them what they did was okay (does that make sense??) So then we go back and "remind" them of the affair and the anger/resentment struggle starts all over.
For me personally, I am happy WH is going to counseling and trying to be a better man, but I choose to focus on ME right now (and my children of course). If he gets better, great, if he doesn't, then that is all on him.
Together 13 years, married for 8
This statement is exactly what goes on in our relationship. Things will be going well and he will seem 'happy', so I feel the need to revisit the A just to remind him that it is still an issue for me. I think this is all part of the roller coaster!!
I hope he understands that healing isn't a 1-2-3 and boom you're all better type of thing. Maybe if you try telling him how you feel this way or relate it to something else in your life, it might sink in more.
A few years back, I had knee surgery. The first few days were awful and filled with throbbing pain that I could not escape. My knee was so swollen that it didn't even look like it was part of me. It was unrecognizable. Sure I could walk...hobble, but it was different and with caution. As weeks passed, the swelling went down slowly, the pain changed from sharp to dull to weak. My knee supported me, but not the same way. The littlest wrong movement/bad weather/sometimes for no reason at all would make my knee get a dagger like pain. It would feel weak and I would mentally go back to the day of surgery. Sure, I could still function in those weeks and months after the surgery, but not the same. There were limits to what I could do. My knee needed support, care, therapy, love, etc... Even years out, it aches and becomes weak out of no where.
This takes time to heal from. You can support him, but I hope he keeps in mind that your "knee" will need support for a longtime. Sending you strength.
the whole we're both healing, but *I'm* healing from what *you* did to me, but I want to support you cause you're doing the right thing, but I'm pissed off at you cause you hurt me, but I see you making strides to get your shit together, but , but , but..... argggggh *head explodes*
it's a dance that's hard learned, and while you're learning, toes might get stepped on until you find your groove.
talk with him. let him know that even though you are, and will support him as long as he's making the effort, that in no terms means that your healing is finished. there may be days where you can't support him outwardly and need supporting as well. there will be days that you fail in supporting him because, well because this is fresh for you and it just plain hurts and pisses you off... talk with him about how you will handle those times together.
this dance is a constant (seemingly so) back and forth of who leads and who is led, who is supporting and who is being supported. it's admirable that this early on you can be supportive of him.
it's hard. don't beat yourself up.
In the end, he's responsible for his healing; you're responsible for your healing; and together you heal your M.
That's in the beginning, too.
You can't neglect your own healing and expect to R, and you can't heal yourself when you're attending to his needs.
How much of your energy goes to you? How much to him? How much of his energy goes to him? How much to you?
His A was all about him. It sounds like he wants the aftermath to be all about him, too.
If he wants to R, he needs to talk about what he did. In shutting you down, he's hurting you, he's hurting your M, and he's hurting himself.
Gently, it sounds like you're letting him do this. Only you can change this.
[This message edited by sisoon at 8:10 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]