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Newest Member: wtal (61163)

User Topic: All Wrong
♀ 42986
Member # 42986
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I can't do anything right anymore. I'm just so angry at WH and so hurt by everything he has done and has hidden from me for years. I try to hold my tongue, I try to be supportive of him as he faces his issues and works to fix himself, but I keep failing. The angry, the bitter, the "what about me?" keeps taking over even the best of my intentions.

Today I went with WH to a meeting he needs to go to to work on himself. I am so proud of him for taking this step on his journey. I told him so. But then the next thing I know I'm talking about the A again. I'm telling him he defended her (AP) and didn't bother thinking about me during a conversation this weekend.

He got upset. He told me he thought I was there to support him. I was! Really I was. But somehow, no matter how hard I try, it's always back to the A, always back to the AP.

He's in his meeting now. I'll pick him up in 25 more minutes and try to keep the peace for the rest of the night.

Me: BW 43
Him: SA(?)WH 43 (FlawedBroken)
Together half our lives.
D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 8/2015
Details in Profile.

Posts: 979 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Sweet Tea in the Shade
♀ 42553
Member # 42553
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the same boat. My WH said "I feel like you want me to be miserable."

Well, in a way, YES I want him to be miserable. I am miserable, HIS fault, and he should suffer with me.

I think that when we act supportive sometimes we think that it is telling them what they did was okay (does that make sense??) So then we go back and "remind" them of the affair and the anger/resentment struggle starts all over.

For me personally, I am happy WH is going to counseling and trying to be a better man, but I choose to focus on ME right now (and my children of course). If he gets better, great, if he doesn't, then that is all on him.

WH 42
BS (me) 33
3 kids- 6. 4, infant

Together 13 years, married for 8

DDAY 2/21/14

Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ 40301
Member # 40301
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I think that when we act supportive sometimes we think that it is telling them what they did was okay (does that make sense??) So then we go back and "remind" them of the affair and the anger/resentment struggle starts all over."

This statement is exactly what goes on in our relationship. Things will be going well and he will seem 'happy', so I feel the need to revisit the A just to remind him that it is still an issue for me. I think this is all part of the roller coaster!!

BW (me) 34
WH (him) 36
Together 13yrs
Married 8years
4 Beautiful children
DD - 6th May 2013
Status - Trying to R, but fuck it's hard!

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I hope he understands that healing isn't a 1-2-3 and boom you're all better type of thing. Maybe if you try telling him how you feel this way or relate it to something else in your life, it might sink in more.

A few years back, I had knee surgery. The first few days were awful and filled with throbbing pain that I could not escape. My knee was so swollen that it didn't even look like it was part of me. It was unrecognizable. Sure I could walk...hobble, but it was different and with caution. As weeks passed, the swelling went down slowly, the pain changed from sharp to dull to weak. My knee supported me, but not the same way. The littlest wrong movement/bad weather/sometimes for no reason at all would make my knee get a dagger like pain. It would feel weak and I would mentally go back to the day of surgery. Sure, I could still function in those weeks and months after the surgery, but not the same. There were limits to what I could do. My knee needed support, care, therapy, love, etc... Even years out, it aches and becomes weak out of no where.

This takes time to heal from. You can support him, but I hope he keeps in mind that your "knee" will need support for a longtime. Sending you strength.

Posts: 50575 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it.

the whole we're both healing, but *I'm* healing from what *you* did to me, but I want to support you cause you're doing the right thing, but I'm pissed off at you cause you hurt me, but I see you making strides to get your shit together, but , but , but..... argggggh *head explodes*

it's a dance that's hard learned, and while you're learning, toes might get stepped on until you find your groove.

talk with him. let him know that even though you are, and will support him as long as he's making the effort, that in no terms means that your healing is finished. there may be days where you can't support him outwardly and need supporting as well. there will be days that you fail in supporting him because, well because this is fresh for you and it just plain hurts and pisses you off... talk with him about how you will handle those times together.

this dance is a constant (seemingly so) back and forth of who leads and who is led, who is supporting and who is being supported. it's admirable that this early on you can be supportive of him.

it's hard. don't beat yourself up.

Kids on the playground can be so cruel. “Get off the swings you’re like 50, and stop talking about Soundgarden, we don't even know what that is."

Posts: 14938 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, this sounds All Wrong to me, too.

In the end, he's responsible for his healing; you're responsible for your healing; and together you heal your M.

That's in the beginning, too.

You can't neglect your own healing and expect to R, and you can't heal yourself when you're attending to his needs.

How much of your energy goes to you? How much to him? How much of his energy goes to him? How much to you?

His A was all about him. It sounds like he wants the aftermath to be all about him, too.

If he wants to R, he needs to talk about what he did. In shutting you down, he's hurting you, he's hurting your M, and he's hurting himself.

Gently, it sounds like you're letting him do this. Only you can change this.

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:10 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16591 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 41886
Member # 41886
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for this post. I feel the same in the midst of this crazy dance.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
♀ 37672
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So these guys that screw around and then whine & cry because the wives are angry, want to talk about the affair behaviors, and attack the ap...are they SERIOUS? In what life would anyone feel sorry for the cheating asshole? IF YOU SCREW AROUND YOU ARE THE PERPETRATOR AND BS IS YOUR YOUR YOUR VICTIM!!!!!!


sorry...rant over.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 8

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