In July of 2012 I went from flirting once and awhile to a PA. I realize recently I have looked in the mirror or at ex and tears come to my eyes. The thought that come into my head is you fool. AP's name comes unbidden and immediately my heart clenches, my stomach turns and I think about my whys and what I was thinking at the time. I think did you really think that your life would be better? I realize I didn't I never believed that. I never believed it to the point that when AP suggested being together I cringed and felt sick. The idea of a future with him and not my future with xSO made me that way. I felt in that moment I had already lost everything but I sure as hell didn't want him and that made me even more disgusted by my actions.
These thoughts happened last year as well. This is going to be my second day antiversary and I am going into my 3rd year. I prayed for a long time I would be on the 2 year time line for my A and his. Im not. I will still be healing and growing going into year 3. There are days I feel broken by my actions and days where I burst into tears thinking of his. Just felt like sharing.
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss