Feelings are real. Facts that generate and support them are often times in short supply when adultery is chosen but the feelings are real.
Feelings serve a valuable purpose. Feelings are indicators.....flags to alert us to things.
Feelings are not inherently good or bad. Assigning of value to them occurs after actions are chosen. A spouse FEELING isolated from their spouse is an indication something is not right. Choosing an affair (action) creates a FACT based on FEELINGS.
Feelings are NOT dictators. Treat them as such to your own detriment. When one acts on feelings alone, destructive choices often are made. Actions DO have good and bad associated with them. Seeking MC (or at least being honest with your spouse) is a healthy choice when feeling isolated. Drinking, porn, work, adultery.....are all unhealthy choices in how to respond to those feelings.
Adultery, like all sin, is singularly selfish at the core. The AP is a non-issue. My wife lied to herself when she said otherwise. She needed to lie to herself to generate false-facts so that her affair could continue and she could have sex with another man. Since lies are NOT fact based, she could have created the same relationship with the mail man, our pastor, neighbor, my brother, guy at a pub.......my wife's A, your husbands A, is not about the AP. Fact is, it is about them.....there brokenness....their response to their feelings....how they coped with the world.
Affairs are relationships largely devoid of facts. The first lie that is told in an A is the one the person engaged in the affair tells themselves.
Will your husband ever own that shit for the truth that it is? I don't know.
I know it took my wife over a year to really start to own that. It did NOT because her AP was "all that", it did because this is trauma to the WS. The complete realization just what they did for what they got. That shocking reality.....that they risked it all (M, family, health, soul, financial) for.........nothing. And THAT is not at all what they FELT they were doing at the time.
My wife is choosing differently now. Her AP found another woman to be into within 2 months of dumping her (how her A ended).
I know the pain you are in. I remember very clearly how my wife chose to act.....I watched her go through withdrawals over the loss of her AP. Even after he found another woman my wife was slow to accept she had built up quite a fantasy around what he was and what her affair was.
Keep posting. You are in a dark pit. Look up and reach out. This is too much for one person to handle. Right now I suspect your husband is NOT a partner in your healing. You don't need him to be right now. I had to move away from my wife........it hurts. It's scary. But it can be done. I am proof.
Saying a specific prayer for you both now.
God is with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:13 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]