1) IMO, feelings are in your body. You either process the strong ones when you have them, or you store them up, and if you store up anger, grief, and fear they tend to fester and come out in very unhealthy, unpleasant, and painful ways. It sounds like they started coming out in '09 and are coming out again.
2) You mention PTSD - that could come from your W's A, but is there more basis for PTSD than that (i.e. military experiences)?
3) If you're weighed down by your feelings, they are probably affecting your career performance. IC and resolving some of those feelings could payoff significantly in career advancement. (BTDT.)
4) What is your W's objection to IC? Sounds like she's stuffing her own feelings, and that's awfully hard to do in our culture; What if she blow? She's probably in awful psychological pain, too. In any case, I think she's refusing to take responsibility for herself.
5) But both you and she are letting her pain and her possible refusal to take responsibility to keep you from resolving your own pain. She dumped immense pain on you, and she's manipulating you into keeping it. That's very unfair, and it's not something one should do to one's partner.
6) IMO - JMO - you're faced with nasty choices. You can please her, but to do that you have to live in pain. Or you can do something to resolve your pain, but you have to risk her anger.
I think you'd be better off with less pain and an angry W or XW, but I don't know....
Very tough choice, titanfour.
You deserve better than this.