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fww pissed about IC

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titanfour posted 5/27/2014 23:34 PM

My FWW got very upset when I told her I would see IC about all this past shit. She literally said if I go she doesn't want to know about, and doesn't want to see it on our bank statements.

I said fine. I went and she found out (I really didn't hide it) and she got even more upset. Then she finally calmed down and saw me resolved to it. The IC wanted me to bring her in and she refused (which I get, she probably felt like she would be ganged up on).

Eventually she agreed to talk to me about stuff, and lots of rewriting of history mixed in with probably more facts. IOW, some details were denied even though she said them back then. But to get this I basically agreed I would not continue IC. I don't know how much I was getting there anyway without talking with W, so I was conflicted. This was three years ago. I started some anti-anxiety meds which I thought worked, and when she discovered that, she really freaked. Honestly though I feel like the pain helps me FEEL what I tried so hard not to when I needed to. But at that time I was becoming non-functional. So I am better now, but feel like I am in a descent.

I got caught up in this thinking that my PTSD thing was having her feel pain and I just didn't want her to have to go through it. Then she says we are married, why am I not telling her about it. I am like WHAT? Seriously? SHE told me she didn't even want to know. I have some concerns that she is a little manic.

I don't know if my story is very similar to anyone (the way I handled it I mean), but the emotions and posts I see tell me that the feelings are all there, just very detached form the events. Its really screwing me up now, I don't understand it. But I do see my life and choices all of a sudden (well, over the last few years) differently than I thought when I was living it.

We have ok times and then awful times. I am very afraid we will end up D when kids are all out of school. Seems like a huge waste after all this time, and mostly due to my inability to process her A. I feel like an idiot.

kansas1968 posted 5/28/2014 01:33 AM

I think your post will make a lot of people understand that they have got to deal with an affair when it happens. I think you are exactly right to feel that because your wife's affair was not dealt with at the time that it is causing you problems now. You feelings of anger and betrayal were never addressed.

If she has been a great wife since, maybe you guys can set down and talk about it now. She may not be as defensive as she was then.

If it wasn't for this web site and the many great books that are out now about infidelity, no one would know how to handle it and how to heal it.

I feel so bad for you. Your pain is coming through loud and clear.

jo2love posted 5/28/2014 07:46 AM


I'm so sorry you are struggling. Working through this will help you move forward. I think going to an IC or start seeing a MC would help. You can tell her my example if you think it would help. It took a while for my WS to agree to meet my IC. He was nervous and looked like he was on the defense. My IC started the session asking him to talk about his life, his work, FOO, etc... Almost like a recap of his life and feelings minus anything A related. It helped calm him before she brought up the A. Maybe try explaining that to her. It isn't a 2 against 1 boxing match. It's 3 people working toward a common goal of healing, strength, and happiness.

eta - It took me years to work up the nerve to ask and then get him to say yes to going to the IC.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:47 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 5/28/2014 07:57 AM

1) IMO, feelings are in your body. You either process the strong ones when you have them, or you store them up, and if you store up anger, grief, and fear they tend to fester and come out in very unhealthy, unpleasant, and painful ways. It sounds like they started coming out in '09 and are coming out again.

2) You mention PTSD - that could come from your W's A, but is there more basis for PTSD than that (i.e. military experiences)?

3) If you're weighed down by your feelings, they are probably affecting your career performance. IC and resolving some of those feelings could payoff significantly in career advancement. (BTDT.)

4) What is your W's objection to IC? Sounds like she's stuffing her own feelings, and that's awfully hard to do in our culture; What if she blow? She's probably in awful psychological pain, too. In any case, I think she's refusing to take responsibility for herself.

5) But both you and she are letting her pain and her possible refusal to take responsibility to keep you from resolving your own pain. She dumped immense pain on you, and she's manipulating you into keeping it. That's very unfair, and it's not something one should do to one's partner.

6) IMO - JMO - you're faced with nasty choices. You can please her, but to do that you have to live in pain. Or you can do something to resolve your pain, but you have to risk her anger.

I think you'd be better off with less pain and an angry W or XW, but I don't know....

Very tough choice, titanfour.

You deserve better than this.

titanfour posted 5/29/2014 23:05 PM

Thanks for the thoughts.

We had a "chat" the night I wrote this. I figured at this point nothing really to lose. I let her know I am mostly beyond blame or judging her. Just so many mysteries for me, things that I think/wonder about now that plague me. I am obsessive about puzzles and this one has started to consume me.

I was disappointed that she completely denies any opposition that I do IC. Its not the kind of thing you misinterpret. She has been to IC over the years (but way past DD), I don't know details of what she discussed, I let her alone. In those days this whole thing was not on my mind. I think my going to IC just was a huge guilt thing laid on her.

The talk was very productive, but needs to continue. We came away with the understanding really I just want some help with my feelings, I think we are so disconnected and I am worried our M will just collapse over this which seems insane at this point. She agreed.

I have trouble making demands because I KNOW she was faithful afterwards. Its history now. I realize that this is me trying to work out confusion and emotions that are only a problem now because I never dealt with them. And a lot of what she told me then and now doesn't add up. I think that's what's been driving me so mad since this all came back out of the shadows of my brain. There are probably lies she let me believe all these years that she is afraid will perhaps expand from where we were. It was worse in some ways, but I suspect its not in other ways.

My PTSD is centered on her A. I didn't even think that was possible before talking with IC, but the symptoms are all there.

We've made this level of progress a few times over the last 4-5 years. This time I have let go of any guilt I feel and just work it through. She isn't the same person as then really so its not really fair, but she sees I really need this, and rug sweeping just won't make it anymore.

Big answers still to come, but I think we are ready to finally face head on.

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