My wh and i are trying to work at R.
we are only 5 weeks in from d day, we talk non stop about Everything.
the bad, the worse and the ugly.
We are trying to build foundations back up because we have our first baby due soon.So in some ways i guess its speeding it up a bit.
however we both know it will take a very long time to work it all out, but were making a start.i have hopes that we can get there one day.
He is fully remorseful and honest with me,tells me where and with who hes with, shows me phone etc.
ic started. he has depression and anxiety issues, mainly due to very high pressured job ( no excuse at all, but its true)
Im here with him because i want my husband back not the stranger he has been for 4months.
since hes told me about it all i can see the weight/ guilt has lifted.
during A he became cold and distant.
hes now very loving, sorry, answers all questions, holds me when i cry listens when i shout.
He tells me he loves me so much and hell be a good husband again that i can trust. hell never forgive himself for letting me down when i needed him.
my issue is i cant say i love him back, im holding off almost to stop myself getting hurt again.
this morning he went to work and said he loved me, i hugged him and said have a good day.
he looked at me with the sadddest eyes, and said please say something, im scared youll never love me again or want me.
i said i cared about him, but hes caused me so much hurt im not ready to say it. i kissed him and he left saying ok i understand.
why does that make me feel so bad?
after what hes done?
that i cant bring myself to tell him, when i know it would help him too.
waywards how did this make you feel when your bs couldnt say these things to you?
i do hug and cuddle him show him affection, this is just the part i cant say.
it seems to hurt him so much.
any opinion welcome thank you
me; bs 29yr
him; wh 35yr
Ive learnt i can be happy with or without you, but im choosing to be with you.
It was upsetting at first that my I love you's went unreturned but then I realised he didn't have to tell me. He was showing me every day by still being with me.
There's more to love than words. Waywards especially need to realise that very quickly.
Take your time, when you're ready the words will come.
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. We can do this.
Throughout our M, I said ILY a lot; she said it rarely - and it sounded right even more rarely.
I haven't said it more than 4 times since D-Day. She's said it a lot more than she used to, and it sounds right, but ... I just don't say it. I show it with my actions, but I hold myself back from saying the words.
I used to worry about this, but I guess I've concluded that the words didn't do much for us before, so there's no need for them now.
But R is going great without them.
[This message edited by sisoon at 7:37 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]
"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"
Five weeks out is not enough time to process the affair.
You are still in shock.
A good infidelity counselor can help him understand your perspective, if you can afford the fees.
I couldn't say I love you back to my WH for several months.
What I did when he said "i love you" was to say something else that was nice like "you are my sweetie" Or, you are a cutie" Or "you're my baby" That sort of thing or use whatever you are comfortable with.
I said those things because I couldn't stand seeing that sad hurt look on his face, and those words would brighten him a little.
If your husband is showing remorse and you want to work on the relationship, he needs to be reinforce by something positive that shows him you are all in and want to salvage the relationship too.
As for knowing not saying I love you hurts him. It's normal to want to hurt him a bit by withholding affection.
I wanted my husband to hurt as much as I did at five weeks out. It was an effort daily to NOT do things I knew would hurt him.
Still forgive yourself for wanting to hurt him back. It's so beyond normal.
[This message edited by seethelight at 3:14 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]
It's totally understandable that it makes you feel bad to not be able to say it. We all yearn for that time when we could say this without thought and really, really mean it. but you know what? This is a consequence of his behavior and he needs to suck it up. No poor me doe eyes. What he did had real and serious consequences, and no amount of saying "I'm sorry" is going to make it better. He needs to get that. And for you, it's painful because it's a real sign that things have really and truly changed. It's a before and after thing -- life just isn't the same. That's the horrible truth... gosh, I'm sounding so depressing and you probably don't need that!
He can show his love by figuring out how and why he let himself do this and what concrete steps he's taking to ensure this never happens again. (Not just saying "I'll be better!") And I hope to GOD he's waiting on you hand and foot.
What he did had real and serious consequences, and no amount of saying "I'm sorry" is going to make it better. He needs to get that. And for you, it's painful because it's a real sign that things have really and truly changed. It's a before and after thing -- life just isn't the same. That's the horrible truth.
I don't say I love you as often as I used to. I do say it because I do love him, so it's a true statement, but honestly at this point I am not sure that I am in love with him, anymore.
I was, but he uses as one excuse for the affair, that he thought I was no longer in love with him.
How did he draw that conclusion, and why didn't he discuss it.
Now the sad part is his affair has created the self fulfilling prophecy of me not being sure if I am "in love with him."
I love him like a family member, but I don't feel safe with him nor do I trust him and for me being in love means feeling safe, protected and special.
Of course that puts us in the ridiculous position of being cast as a person we don't want to be. In short, he can't blame you for not loving him enough. That's on him. As you say, if he really felt that way, he should have talked to you. The truth is, it's his own brokenness.
A part of me still loves her, but it is different. When the A first happened I basically buried all of my emotions and just attempted to get through one day at a time. I said the words because that was what I was supposed to do, but I haven't felt them for a long time. And my W tells me not to say them unless I really mean them. I stopped saying it about a year ago, and then tried saying it again when it felt like things were a little better, but I'm back to not saying them again.
I feel so guilty that I'm hurting her by not saying them. I wish I could say them. I wish it was in me, but it just isn't. I'm not even sure why sometimes... it's like it just doesn't feel right. The words get caught in my throat.
Maybe part of it is that the words are symbolic of being vulnerable to your WS again... and maybe part of it is that someone who can hurt you the way they did is hard to fall in love with again.
God this stuff sucks.
She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.