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Science of Trust

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rachelc posted 5/28/2014 07:55 AM

by Gottman.... I have a lot of his books and didn't own this one. Someone here suggested it too. Me not trusting hubby enough is one of his biggest issues with me.

There is a passage about healing from betrayal starting on page 378 that is very focused on how we must go from step to step to heal and stay in the relationship.

He also states that some things are too big to forgive and that forgiving would be detrimental to a person's soul.

This guy's work is very scientific, and at times, hard to read. But his research on marriage is probably the most in depth and current.

So, I got this book and told hubby about it. Turned up his nose at it.

The hard thing about some of our communication is that he would be so much further along if he read or spent time at places like SI. We could actually talk about some of these things that come up. But he won't. And that is his choice. And I can't do it for him. But the fixer, co-dependent part of me thinks we could be so much further along if he did this.

Well, at least I will have more knowledge under my belt, which will help me heal. And ya know, be a walking encyclopedia on infidelity.

KatieG posted 5/28/2014 08:32 AM

I think I am like you too, just got a Gottman book, different one and is also quite scientific - game theory and all that.

My WBF is not so big on self-help books but I am, seems not so big on forums either. I was frustrated at this, but really if you think about the Love Language thing, different people learn in different ways. I will always read books and stuff online to help - but he doesn't.

That's the generous side of me - the other side is that he's not interested in healing and learning from others. Disappointing.

rachelc posted 5/28/2014 08:45 AM

the thing is, if a person doesn't understand how trust works after two betrayals, then find out more about it. It's not a choice, in this case, it's a careful rebuilding of a new foundation. It's a testing and prodding and time gone by thing that I occasionally dip my foot into. Hell by now my entire foot is in. But my whole body - um no.

IT WILL TAKE YEARS. And he would know that if he spent some time learning about it. But that's his problem.

I do enjoying reading Gottman's work. This one is pretty thick.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:46 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

bionicgal posted 5/28/2014 08:51 AM

Just ordered the book - I like Gottman. He makes me think.

brokensmile322 posted 5/28/2014 08:54 AM

But he won't. And that is his choice. And I can't do it for him. But the fixer, co-dependent part of me thinks we could be so much further along if he did this.

This is a really healthy post Rachel. And I am right there with you. I am changing and I am not sure my WH is changing as much as I am or with me. I am learning I cannot control the outcome. I can't drag him where he doesn't want to go. He has to do it on his own. Sadly, that might ultimately mean we won't be together, but I can't control that either.

Hugs! I get it!

tired girl posted 5/28/2014 09:10 AM

Have you asked him if he trusts you?

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