I wanted to get inside it and be there, understand what and why and how and when. Some stuff still stings but it also gave me more insight to ask really detailed probing questions of my WBF.
I know some members here prefer not to know, we are all different. But I had to go with it when I felt the urge and now I feel the urge less frequently. To m e it did matter what they said to each other and there is a whole heap of stuff said on the phone that I only know if he tells me.
Maybe when your anger subsides you can read something different into them.
"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive" - CS Lewis
These are just my thoughts on my own personal journey, and they have formed slowly over the last 6 years. Given that, in summary, I'd say the words exchanged between my H and his AP let me see the A more clearly which helped me in the short-run, but began to hurt me in the long-run. It became important for me to find a way to incorporate them into my history without letting them sabotage my future. Early on it was necessary for me to see some of those messages between them, but I was later glad that I didn't need to see all of them to feel that I had gotten the truth about the A from my H. Those words were powerful and hurtful, but my H and I had to put them into context and eventually move beyond them.
I know I'm failing miserably to articulate my thoughts, but I guess it's along the lines of: while the words ended up being "just words," they were significant, powerful, hurtful, and had to be dealt with.
I am so thankful that my husbands cheating was sans social media, internet, cell phone, he used the old fashioned methods, you know calls to and from his workplace phone, or use a business' phone on his route and if that failed, she would drive until she found him and set up a hookup....
In fact to this day, he doesn't have a computer,tablet and still doesn't text.
I'm one who craves a deep understanding of a situation and I seriously doubt my H understands himself well enough to give that to me so I have to dig. These women may have believed every word he said to them but I was blessed with enough written evidence to see that it was mainly fantasy bullsh*t.
There's a fine line though between digging for understanding and digging for more pain. If you're not getting any comfort from reading the texts then it may be time to stop.
I have the nagging feeling that I'm missing something about their conversations. And that if I read it again, it'll finally become clear.
But I know that it's just me obsessing. While my FWW is remorseful and is going a fairly good job at R, she does not see the point in working on herself. She just promisses, really hard, never to do it again. That leaves me with the "other shoe is going to drop" feeling.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 10:24 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot
I can't say what I would do at this point if I was presented with the texts but I'm OK with not reading them.
We just deleted his FB account, we had it deactivated a while ago but I knew I could still log in and see the old messages and it was just too tempting. Having it gone for good is freeing for me.
The benefit of reading the texts was that I discovered the affair, and despite the nightmare of that, I'd rather know the truth than be lied to. The downside of having read them is that they frankly didn't help me understand the A any better - if anything, I probably give some of them more meaning than my H or the MOW ever intended.
And even now, a year later, the texts are imprinted on my brain. Even though my husband wrote things during the affair that he'd never write now, it's hard sometimes for me to separate what was past from what exists now. As Lostworld says, you have to put those words in context and eventually move beyond them, and that is hard work for me.
On the one hand, the texts HURT. I wish I'd never have to have seen my WH telling another woman "In my heart I wish you were mine."
On the other hand, WH DID text those words to another woman and ultimately that action, not the act of me reading those words, is what caused my hurt.
All I have access to are old texts from the first year of the A. What those texts gave me was the truth of what was going on in my life at a time when things weren't making sense for me.
They also helped me see WH with clear eyes and realize that he'd downplayed the severity of what he'd done, and I wasn't going to let him get away with minimizing like that anymore.
WH deleted the most recent texts right before D-Day so I never saw those. Sometimes he wishes I'd seen those when he was withdrawing from the A, but all I saw were the ones from when he was firmly in the fog.
The truth is that it happened, and it really doesn't matter what they said to each other. Right
I know a lot of people feel this way but I don't. What they said to each other does matter a lot to me. I wish it didn't but it does. Things started between them in August 2012 but I didn't catch on until late April 2013. So I couldn't recover any of the early texts, which in my opinion were the most important. The ones I did recover were incomplete. Even though I never recovered any texts of a sexual nature, it still makes me crazy! Especially when I see he sent her a text at 130 am saying
surprise :) but I have no idea what it was or meant because it didn't recover all of them. I go back and read them from time to time and it hurts but like you I feel like I'm searching for something. I don't know what it is though. Maybe trying to make sense of it all... I should burn them so I stop torturing myself but I can't bring myself to do it.
I want it back to search for so many things- my name, our children's names, his phone number, the words meet/see/love/wife, the name of our town. And to see the dates. He tells me of a few times that make sense when I look back over the years, but I'd like proof that those times are the only times.
So if it were texts, I'm not sure I'd be going over and over them. I really just want to know (without a doubt) the timeline and the extent, which if you've already seen the texts is established.
It could also be a way to bring the pain back so that it stays present for you and you don't move forward faster than you're ready to. I find my good days are when we are together and he's doing all the right things, and after them I need to shake myself and confirm it was a good day, but he's still the man who sent those emails. And one month of fabulous behavior hasn't yet proven he is changed.
"Nothing can come between God and the soul." --Julian of Norwich
I'm glad now. Honestly. Because I would have reread them over and over again. And I did enough to stall my healing along the way on my own.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
It's hard to absorb it all when you're in a state of complete shock. Even though it hurt, I needed to know exactly what I was dealing with.